The other side of the coin

And now I feel different
It's the sand and the sun and the wind
Now I feel eager and ready
It's the weather and the company and the rest
I feel that I can
Arrest your heart and furtively catch a glance of you and casually touch your arm
Look into your eyes and hold your gaze
I feel a flutter of excitement
At possibilities and disappointments, hopes and fears, passion and despair
I feel ready to feel
With or without you
I feel stronger and determined and passionate
To steal your soul and run away to the moon with it without looking back
To sweep you off your feet and carry you in my arms
And to dare to go further and give you my heart

Not now, today or tomorrow
Not never either
But when you can
When
You
Want

My heart can be yours should we dare to allow ourselves the chance to let it happen
It
Dare I say it...?


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Anti-Social Robot

My friend told me a few months ago after a particularly self-deprecating post that sometimes I look like an anti-social robot, always rationalizing everything, completely emotionless.

I agree partly with him. I don't think I'm emotionless, but I guess I am most of the time fairly clueless at knowing what to do with those emotions, or rather what I think or believe or contend is the right course of action tends to swiftly blow in my face and prove otherwise.

But I do indeed rationalize everything, that much is true for sure. I can't explain why, but I do obsess over every detail and every memory and every action and consequence. Is it the case that I can't see the forest for the trees because I'm looking into too much detail and missing the big picture?

Damn, that was like some kind of short-lived epiphany right there. Over-thinking can be a mistake and keeping it simple is what works the best in most situations. I like it simple, I do, but my mind betrays me, constantly thinking, constantly going over things.

Is that what makes me a bona fide flesh and bone robot?

This is not the post I wanted to write. I wanted to write about me being saddened today. For no apparent reason. Well, that's not true, for no acceptable and discernible "true" reason. I know why I'm saddened. I just shouldn't be at all. Maybe it's the tiredness. But I saw my friends old comment and it set me thinking.

Thinking on why it is that I over-analyse things. Which, ironically, is precisely what I'm doing right now, by writing this post.

Regardless, I am saddened because I can see far ahead, one of the things I am good at (or am I?) is at looking at patterns and imagine how things will unfold.

And when I see the seeds being planted on the ground I can't help myself but to see the field in two years time, covered with flowers and trees and birds and bees and rabbitts and squirrels. I can't help myself seeing and imagining how beautiful it would be when the sun shines on it in an end of day afternoon. And not do anything about it, to do nothing, to choose inaction, makes me anxious, it saddens me thinking that field will never exist but I really want it to come alive.

I guess they're nothing but dreams of an overactive brain, too much imagination of a lonely soul looking for its mate, looking for happiness.

Looking. Continually.

Forever looking...

Paranoid

Resistance is key
Must not pressurise
Head before heart
Can not idealise

Stop it Cabral, stop it, stop it stop it stop it!

Stop projecting scenarios, stop over-thinking and over-analysing
Stop agonising, stop imagining what does not exist
You cannot summon something into being that's not yours to control
You cannot force something that has not started and does not currently exist

Too much obsession will corrode you
And it will kill it before it began
Too much indecision will gnaw at your soul
And leave you an empty shell that's useless to anyone

Let it happen
Let time run its course
Let the currents of life take you hither
And do not worry

Let it be
Let serendipity take care of circumstances
Let the feelings inside come forth
And be patient

Let it go
Let loose the shackles of anxiety
Let yourself be shown
And she will find you

I hope she will.
I hope we will, find each other.
I want to take action, I want it now, I want to do something, inaction drives me insane, I must act, do something!
But, rush is the enemy of perfection, how often have I learnt that?
So, no.
I'll stay my eager heart and my anxious mind
And I shall hope
That when we find each other there'll be something there
Something that can grow

I'd like that.



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Wisp

Clouds and dreams and feelings are nothing but ungraspable illusions
Illusions that you create out of thoughts and expectations and hope
Hope that nothing may turn to something and something may come to mean more, at some point, in the future
Future is, alas, as ungraspable as a wisp of cloud in the distant sky

You turn your eyes to the sky and your hopes to the future
Hoping that connections and feelings will become true
You grasp for the intangible
Hoping to reach the impossible
Because therein lies a promise of happiness and companionship
Because perhaps, just maybe, something pure can come out of nothing

Is the impossible possible?
Sometimes it is or you live in hope that one day it will be

Are feelings and thoughts and hopes nothing but constructs of an over eager mind and a lonely soul?
Desperate to beat loneliness and jadedness
Is impatience enemy or instrument of passion?
Are these feelings emergent? Or are thoughts and hopes artificially creating them?
Can they be one and the same?
Do these questions and doubts and anxieties have an answer?
Can their meaning be sought deep inside?
Where no one has touched before and it eagers for a chance to realise its full intensity?

Or is it as pointless and fatidic as trying to reach a wisp of cloud?



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You

You're in my thoughts, you're on my mind
You've come from left field and left me lost for words
I'm not indifferent but nor am head over heels
Which is most likely a good thing but as always I over thought it and postponed things
Still you're on mind
You've stolen yourself onto my mind and I don't know what to feel
I think I feel kinda of anxious kinda hopeful and kinda scared
I feel attraction and I feel empathy
But I don't know you and you don't know me
I guess we'll just have discover each other together
On long nights and bright days as the Summer approaches
On the cover of raincloud and the sound of thunder
We shall find ourselves in a Summer lightening storm
Together me and you in each others arms...
I hope to find you soon and I will let you find me when you're ready
Who knows what the future holds and that's as it should be

To you, babe, cause you're on my mind.

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Ways things could be worse

List of things that would mean life would be worse, much worse:

I could have lost a son or a daughter
I could have lost a limb
I could have lost the ability to walk
I could have lost the ability to see
I could be unemployed
I could live in a war zone
I could have cancer
I could be homeless
I could be stranded after a plane crash

I think all these are all pretty grim possibilities, and not that unfathomable

So, I guess things aren't too bad.


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