And so it is...

And so it is...

That I sit here on my own
by choice, by want, by complete apathy

That I have chosen to be alone
I laughed and I distracted myself

But so it is
It has come to this
Somehow somewhen in my mind

How when why
Have I become so sombre
Unsocial, boring and apathetic

Yet, in the midst of all the stupidity and loneliness and incoherence unexplainable I still managed a tiny glimpse of inspiration, however meagre and lacking on quality:

"Together in the abyss of boredom
We shall know no fear nor fear no doom
Together in mind and spirit
We shall live forever in the wings of eternity"

That was me. It came out of thin air, in conversation with a friend.

Which just reinforces the dichotomy of what it is to be me, a true oddball.

Yes, I am so odd... But that, for me, is a compliment!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Perspective

Sometimes things happen that make you look at life and people and stuff around you differently.

A change in perspective, a kick up the arse you could say, an ever so slight but fundamental shift in your mindset.

With me is caring about somebody else. Caring and thinking about someone else's wellbeing changes my outlook on things, my normal chain of thoughts even my feelings.

When I do, I don't have time to look or worry or feel sorry about myself. Yet that makes me happy, makes me feel alive.

And I'm a changed person then. Why, I wonder, have I not pursued it further. Looked into it, really seriously.

Maybe there's still time. Perhaps...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Resisted the urge

No text no call no nothing.

Oh the usual suspects did, sooner or later, in one form or another, as I knew they would.

It was a strange affair. Not the worst, I know that, of course not the best but certainly surreal. Having to go in for a review was not desired. An unexpected visit and associated act of kindness was very nice and much appreciated.

Boredom quickly settled in. Some friends came to the rescue which salvaged most of the night.

Right at the very end though my thoughts turned south yet again. Will I not be free of this non-sense? Regardless, the feeling was very strong, and an idea formed to send a last minute text. The contents of this to be written text were also pretty much concluded, in my head.

I struggled. Should I? Maybe if I changed the content. Should I, really? What purpose would it serve other than perpetuating said non-sensicalness? Yet I wanted to.

Porque queria, queria falar contigo. Neste dia de dias. Apesar de recentemente não o querer fazer, mas isso era apenas a mágoa a ressurgir. Queria ouvir a tua voz. Ou pelo menos saber que estavas a pensar em mim. Eu sei que me mandaste a mensagem no dia errado há dias antes, mas não sabias ter descoberto o dia certo?

Yet, I did not. I resisted. Resisted the urge to go back and carry on acting down a futile path. I did nothing. Did I feel better? I felt resolve, certainly.

Almost 24 hours have passed. Do I think differently now? No, I do not. But how do I feel? I feel I did the right thing.

Yet, why am I writing about it?

Yet, why?... After all this time, events, words, circumstances, distance etc. Why?...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

All these years...

Why? I was asked today.
Why is it that after thirty three years I am still single?
Is it that I'm a cold person? I consider myself affectionate but do I keep people at bay because I do not show it?
Do I project an image of someone cold?
Is it that I'm just socially inept?
What is it?
Why am I still single?
I wish I knew the answer because if I did I would most certainly not be.
If I know something for sure is that it is not by choice.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone