Why write this blog

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It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

14 September, 2014

These damn feelings...

Feelings are a bugger.

I always thought I felt more than other people, then I discovered that most of the time I think I know what I feel instead of actually 'feeling it', physically, in me, in my body. 

When I discovered I then thought that maybe not only do I not feel more than other people I feel less! Because it all seems to be in my head.

But of course I do feel it like everyone else does, I just don't frigging notice it, only when it reaches such an extreme that I can't help but notice it which is why I've always thought (that word again, think not feel) I was more intense, or just simply intense.

I'm learning how to recognise it, different feelings, small everyday things but it's so ingrained in me, this practically unconscious repression that I have to remind me to pay attention to what I'm feeling and consciously force myself to see what I'm feeling, the trouble is I don't know what the signs in my body mean, it's difficult to translate them into feelings...

It's all very confusing. For example, right now there's a multitude of things swimming around in my head after what was a glorious weekend. But what do I feel about it? And what do I feel about each of them separately?

Because lots happened in a way. Friday for example... I cried, I did, I hadn't for a while, a simple line in a movie set me off. But unlike before I do feel stronger and I'm so very lucky that I had a little chat with a friend and it helped. And I was able to get up and go as it were, in this case literally. Because I then went out to meet my friends, after that little lonely episode, and it turned out to be a brilliant night and I had so much fun. I feel happy about it I think (scratch that) I do feel happy about it and elated it was such a good night. Which after the mini-breakdown was pretty incredible, I didn't let it own me.

Then yesterday all of us out, the birthday dinner/night out for all four of us was really cool. It was somewhat more formal because there was more people and I wasn't as comfortable with everyone because I don't know them as well but that's how you get to know people and it was still pretty cool.

Still a couple of things 'happened'. First I'm getting really close to a friend of mine who I respect immensely and I love her and her boyfriend dearly, we have forged a very new but already strong friendship the seven of us, but somehow deeper with her. And seemingly from her either, which is great. In so many ways she reminds of M, but the lines are becoming blurred and I don't want that, it's making me feel apprehensive and a little bit anxious.

Then I saw someone I hadn't seen in a long time, H. Out of the blue and it was incredible, she was so affectionate and it was so good to see her. I was very struck by her reaction and what she said, it was lovely to hold her. We promised to catch up and see each other this week. Again that is confusing. The whole thing with H was before L and all that business occured and whilst it is true I've thought about H at times I had moved on because of how our relationship had kind of died but yesterday when I did mention to her what I felt her reaction was very engaging, almost apologetic, sorrowful one could say and I believed that she did miss me, whether that was just the drink in both of us I don't know. But we agreed to meet Wednesday, which incidentally is my birthday. And now I'm really looking forward to Wednesday. Too much though? I'm confused, I'm thinking too much again, I'm thinking whether we can rekindle something, or what might happen but I don't even know where she is right now or what she wants from our meet. I shouldn't have expectations but knowing me I do this. And I want to text and be in touch with her but at the same time I don't know where we are so I'm not doing that, where what when que?! Am I right in leaving her alone and see what happens Wednesday? Or once again am I putting someone's needs ahead of my own and repressing my own feelings and desires? In the end, to focus, how do I feel about meeting H Wednesday? A bit nervous actually, I think that's what that is. Because of the unexpected.

Then of course, there's next weeks' potential house party, the mix of my Portuguese and English friends which ought be good, IF the numbers even up. More to the point yesterday I did invite T to the party as well and she said she'd come. Which despite all my grumblings about the age difference I can't help but feel a connection there, I love her voice and her eyes and her beautiful smile. I reckon she has so much about her, so much to tell it would be great to get to speak to her properly. So what do I feel about all that? Also a bit nervous but maybe more excited. I don't know (oh shit I still say that a lot). Hmm

On the one hand I don't know, T is a blank canvas and we might not even get on and she is very young and it might all be in my head anyway. Now H suddenly turns up in my life again, at this point in time, on my birthday, and I was so moved by her reaction I can't stop thinking about her and of course we have a little bit of a history and she must know I like her and I already know her and she is older, year and a half for her may be more than for me but of course she may have a boyfriend.

Fuck knows, it's all very confusing, nothing ever seems to be easy with me but then, I am complicated so I suppose I'm bound to get involved in complicated situations.

Sigh. Interesting times one could say..,

05 July, 2014


Today. Today may be the day I say it's over.

It has been over in reality well over a year, but I mean over over. In my head, in my mind. In my heart?

I want to be positive again, or, attempt it.

I am feeling determined. I always am in the face of adversity, money adversity especially, I can cope with that, I havey whole life an what that does is focus the mind on the minutae of daily life.

The prospect of living alone is interesting also and we'll see how I'll cope but it focus my mind on gettin the house how I want it. 

The trouble is (and I hate using the phrase because it instantly reminds me of something she used to say to me) that I'm afraid that all this focusing is simply another strategy to stop feeling...

And that is why I don't want to stop going to see you altogether Dr. RB.

But I want to change, I want it to hurt less. I'm almost there I think, I can remember and hear most songs now without the tears coming.

Today, today may be the day. I will certainly try it.

16 April, 2014

How is it that you can look at someone without seeing them?

I read that today. A Facebook post from a wonderfully gifted young poet about normal people and empaths. I always knew I wasn't normal, I am ok with that, but am I an empath? Is that why I can't understand certain attitudes and things?

My friend asked me today how I am, what's going with me. I didn't want to answer and launch into a tirade but I did answer with the truth: that it was an interesting but difficult to answer question. It's complicated. 

My colleague said something today that stuck with me as well, she's very perceptive, she told me that if I was taking so long in deciding how to reply to this woman that I may potentially be going on a date with, maybe I'm not ready, of course that's true, I know it, but I can't put my life on hold.

So how am I exactly? I'm dealing with it as best as I can I guess, and by it I mean getting over L.. I've had a chance to speak to two of the most important people in my life recently and it helped somewhat, it made feel better, but to real deal with it I went ahead and went to a psychologist. He has been helping me, by looking at things differently and looking at me. Since the last session I have felt better. If because of the session or if because I've been so busy at work I don't know but I have.

Work has been great, really have enjoyed having my own project. People at work have been great and my boss and some ex-colleagues are trying to set me up with this woman, I'm not wholly indifferent to her and I'm willing to give it a go. Is it a mistake? Is it too soon? I shall ask my psychologist when I next see him.

I've been worried about money but, not much I can do in the immediate, apart from just tough it out, work hard and repay shit to get back on my feet.

I've been okay I think, better, but then I've not been able to get back to having the strength I had last year and I'm reverting to comfortable old paulo, sitting and watching TV a lot, bingeing on series. It annoys me that I don't seem to gather the strength in me consistently to avoid this, I know what I need to do but it's like I have a block stopping me. I know I'm the block. Myself, it's about me it's always been. 

Sigh. I almost had the desire the other day to write again but without my laptop... I kinda use that as an excuse not to I suppose, I could use my phone if I really wanted to. 

It's just around the corner that desire, that willingness to change and really be me? positive, fully positive me? but it seems just out of reach somehow. 

I need to find it within me again... Will I only find it once I lose L for the last time, once and forever?

Oh tears there you are...