I always thought I felt more than other people, then I discovered that most of the time I think I know what I feel instead of actually 'feeling it', physically, in me, in my body.
When I discovered I then thought that maybe not only do I not feel more than other people I feel less! Because it all seems to be in my head.
But of course I do feel it like everyone else does, I just don't frigging notice it, only when it reaches such an extreme that I can't help but notice it which is why I've always thought (that word again, think not feel) I was more intense, or just simply intense.
I'm learning how to recognise it, different feelings, small everyday things but it's so ingrained in me, this practically unconscious repression that I have to remind me to pay attention to what I'm feeling and consciously force myself to see what I'm feeling, the trouble is I don't know what the signs in my body mean, it's difficult to translate them into feelings...
It's all very confusing. For example, right now there's a multitude of things swimming around in my head after what was a glorious weekend. But what do I feel about it? And what do I feel about each of them separately?
Because lots happened in a way. Friday for example... I cried, I did, I hadn't for a while, a simple line in a movie set me off. But unlike before I do feel stronger and I'm so very lucky that I had a little chat with a friend and it helped. And I was able to get up and go as it were, in this case literally. Because I then went out to meet my friends, after that little lonely episode, and it turned out to be a brilliant night and I had so much fun. I feel happy about it I think (scratch that) I do feel happy about it and elated it was such a good night. Which after the mini-breakdown was pretty incredible, I didn't let it own me.
Then yesterday all of us out, the birthday dinner/night out for all four of us was really cool. It was somewhat more formal because there was more people and I wasn't as comfortable with everyone because I don't know them as well but that's how you get to know people and it was still pretty cool.
Still a couple of things 'happened'. First I'm getting really close to a friend of mine who I respect immensely and I love her and her boyfriend dearly, we have forged a very new but already strong friendship the seven of us, but somehow deeper with her. And seemingly from her either, which is great. In so many ways she reminds of M, but the lines are becoming blurred and I don't want that, it's making me feel apprehensive and a little bit anxious.
Then I saw someone I hadn't seen in a long time, H. Out of the blue and it was incredible, she was so affectionate and it was so good to see her. I was very struck by her reaction and what she said, it was lovely to hold her. We promised to catch up and see each other this week. Again that is confusing. The whole thing with H was before L and all that business occured and whilst it is true I've thought about H at times I had moved on because of how our relationship had kind of died but yesterday when I did mention to her what I felt her reaction was very engaging, almost apologetic, sorrowful one could say and I believed that she did miss me, whether that was just the drink in both of us I don't know. But we agreed to meet Wednesday, which incidentally is my birthday. And now I'm really looking forward to Wednesday. Too much though? I'm confused, I'm thinking too much again, I'm thinking whether we can rekindle something, or what might happen but I don't even know where she is right now or what she wants from our meet. I shouldn't have expectations but knowing me I do this. And I want to text and be in touch with her but at the same time I don't know where we are so I'm not doing that, where what when que?! Am I right in leaving her alone and see what happens Wednesday? Or once again am I putting someone's needs ahead of my own and repressing my own feelings and desires? In the end, to focus, how do I feel about meeting H Wednesday? A bit nervous actually, I think that's what that is. Because of the unexpected.
Then of course, there's next weeks' potential house party, the mix of my Portuguese and English friends which ought be good, IF the numbers even up. More to the point yesterday I did invite T to the party as well and she said she'd come. Which despite all my grumblings about the age difference I can't help but feel a connection there, I love her voice and her eyes and her beautiful smile. I reckon she has so much about her, so much to tell it would be great to get to speak to her properly. So what do I feel about all that? Also a bit nervous but maybe more excited. I don't know (oh shit I still say that a lot). Hmm
On the one hand I don't know, T is a blank canvas and we might not even get on and she is very young and it might all be in my head anyway. Now H suddenly turns up in my life again, at this point in time, on my birthday, and I was so moved by her reaction I can't stop thinking about her and of course we have a little bit of a history and she must know I like her and I already know her and she is older, year and a half for her may be more than for me but of course she may have a boyfriend.
Fuck knows, it's all very confusing, nothing ever seems to be easy with me but then, I am complicated so I suppose I'm bound to get involved in complicated situations.
Sigh. Interesting times one could say..,