Why write this blog

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It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

05 July, 2014

Finito...?

Today. Today may be the day I say it's over.

It has been over in reality well over a year, but I mean over over. In my head, in my mind. In my heart?

I want to be positive again, or, attempt it.

I am feeling determined. I always am in the face of adversity, money adversity especially, I can cope with that, I havey whole life an what that does is focus the mind on the minutae of daily life.

The prospect of living alone is interesting also and we'll see how I'll cope but it focus my mind on gettin the house how I want it. 

The trouble is (and I hate using the phrase because it instantly reminds me of something she used to say to me) that I'm afraid that all this focusing is simply another strategy to stop feeling...

And that is why I don't want to stop going to see you altogether Dr. RB.

But I want to change, I want it to hurt less. I'm almost there I think, I can remember and hear most songs now without the tears coming.

Today, today may be the day. I will certainly try it.

16 April, 2014

How is it that you can look at someone without seeing them?

I read that today. A Facebook post from a wonderfully gifted young poet about normal people and empaths. I always knew I wasn't normal, I am ok with that, but am I an empath? Is that why I can't understand certain attitudes and things?

My friend asked me today how I am, what's going with me. I didn't want to answer and launch into a tirade but I did answer with the truth: that it was an interesting but difficult to answer question. It's complicated. 

My colleague said something today that stuck with me as well, she's very perceptive, she told me that if I was taking so long in deciding how to reply to this woman that I may potentially be going on a date with, maybe I'm not ready, of course that's true, I know it, but I can't put my life on hold.

So how am I exactly? I'm dealing with it as best as I can I guess, and by it I mean getting over L.. I've had a chance to speak to two of the most important people in my life recently and it helped somewhat, it made feel better, but to real deal with it I went ahead and went to a psychologist. He has been helping me, by looking at things differently and looking at me. Since the last session I have felt better. If because of the session or if because I've been so busy at work I don't know but I have.

Work has been great, really have enjoyed having my own project. People at work have been great and my boss and some ex-colleagues are trying to set me up with this woman, I'm not wholly indifferent to her and I'm willing to give it a go. Is it a mistake? Is it too soon? I shall ask my psychologist when I next see him.

I've been worried about money but, not much I can do in the immediate, apart from just tough it out, work hard and repay shit to get back on my feet.

I've been okay I think, better, but then I've not been able to get back to having the strength I had last year and I'm reverting to comfortable old paulo, sitting and watching TV a lot, bingeing on series. It annoys me that I don't seem to gather the strength in me consistently to avoid this, I know what I need to do but it's like I have a block stopping me. I know I'm the block. Myself, it's about me it's always been. 

Sigh. I almost had the desire the other day to write again but without my laptop... I kinda use that as an excuse not to I suppose, I could use my phone if I really wanted to. 

It's just around the corner that desire, that willingness to change and really be me? positive, fully positive me? but it seems just out of reach somehow. 

I need to find it within me again... Will I only find it once I lose L for the last time, once and forever?

Oh tears there you are...

18 March, 2014

Words read on a lost day in March

"Havendo amor, tudo se torna num prazer ou numa preparação para ele. Fazermos as coisas juntos torna-se numa extensão de fazermos amor", MEC.

If you have love, everything you do is a pleasure or a preparation for it. Doing things together becomes an extension of lovemaking.