What a strange day it's been.
A very meh day indeed.
I've felt tired, I've not slept properly in weeks and the last few days have been no exception even though I fall asleep quickly.
But I've also felt a bit sick, a tightness in my chest, can't tell if it's physical due to the drinking the unhealthy food or the tiredness; or whether it's psychological.
The last few days have been odd: I've never been in a relationship so I don't know how it feels when you're away and separated from a loved one. To compound matters the circumstances have been particular so there has been plenty of contact.
I've felt her pain and I've missed not being near her to comfort her, but I know I have helped somewhat by being present and available and giving emotional support.
The thing is she can be very hot and cold, vulnerable and eager to talk then completely independent and distant. I know she copes differently but it's difficult to get used to it. That's one thing we're very different about, which is probably good because I over analyse things too much.
I don't know if today has been a meh day because I've missed frequent and sincere contact with her or whether the whole thing has made me reflect in my own life and the loss of my own grandfather who I have never mourned properly, and te fact my other grandfather has been very I'll also.
Or simply I've just been tired.
I do ascribe things to where there is nothing sometime. I know I know, happiness is a choice but today I do feel very meh there's no other word.
Perhaps my idea of fun is different from the others and I've just lost interest a little bit today as well. I can't tell.
It's good to just sit here by the sea and listen to the wind blow and the waves slowly crashing by. They are sounds like nothing else and if it wasn't for the biting cold I could sit here for hours, probably not writing but simply listening. It's such an awareness of the force of the sea, it's not a loud crashing noise but a low key sound of waves and win on waves, relentlessly and timelessly coming together in these shores. One looks ahead and see nothing but water. The ocean here is a dark grey-blue and it meets the light blue of the sky in the horizon with the grey, low clouds, above mirroring the water below. It's a special kind of beauty. It inspires me, it never fails to. Wether it's here in the cold northern country or further down in the warmer southern foreign lands.