Why write this blog

My photo
It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

18 September, 2010

Resisted the urge

No text no call no nothing.

Oh the usual suspects did, sooner or later, in one form or another, as I knew they would.

It was a strange affair. Not the worst, I know that, of course not the best but certainly surreal. Having to go in for a review was not desired. An unexpected visit and associated act of kindness was very nice and much appreciated.

Boredom quickly settled in. Some friends came to the rescue which salvaged most of the night.

Right at the very end though my thoughts turned south yet again. Will I not be free of this non-sense? Regardless, the feeling was very strong, and an idea formed to send a last minute text. The contents of this to be written text were also pretty much concluded, in my head.

I struggled. Should I? Maybe if I changed the content. Should I, really? What purpose would it serve other than perpetuating said non-sensicalness? Yet I wanted to.

Porque queria, queria falar contigo. Neste dia de dias. Apesar de recentemente não o querer fazer, mas isso era apenas a mágoa a ressurgir. Queria ouvir a tua voz. Ou pelo menos saber que estavas a pensar em mim. Eu sei que me mandaste a mensagem no dia errado há dias antes, mas não sabias ter descoberto o dia certo?

Yet, I did not. I resisted. Resisted the urge to go back and carry on acting down a futile path. I did nothing. Did I feel better? I felt resolve, certainly.

Almost 24 hours have passed. Do I think differently now? No, I do not. But how do I feel? I feel I did the right thing.

Yet, why am I writing about it?

Yet, why?... After all this time, events, words, circumstances, distance etc. Why?...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

All these years...

Why? I was asked today.
Why is it that after thirty three years I am still single?
Is it that I'm a cold person? I consider myself affectionate but do I keep people at bay because I do not show it?
Do I project an image of someone cold?
Is it that I'm just socially inept?
What is it?
Why am I still single?
I wish I knew the answer because if I did I would most certainly not be.
If I know something for sure is that it is not by choice.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

16 September, 2010

What if tomorrow was the last day of your life? Part III

What indeed?

I have tried to think about what my answer would be, and there's several scenarios I can conjure up, although these seem to be dependent on what mood I'm in.

If we take it at face value and assume on a full day, say, you found out at 8am that you had 24 hours to live at best.

There's two ways I think it would go for me. I would go and visit the people dearest to me and I would go and do something I wouldn't normally do or that I have always afraid to do.

Starting with the latter there's two things that spring to mind, bunjee jumping and parachuting. Swimming with sharks sounds suitably dangerous but I don't think I'd be able to find a place within a day.

On the former, visiting people, a quick trip to Huddersfield to see Darren and to Bristol/Gloucester to see Alex. I would then borrow money to get airplane tickets to go to Lisbon to visit Magda & Ricardo followed by a quick journey to Povoa and VFX for dad and Telmo. I'm undecided on Alverca but I think in the end I would stop by for a quick wander around.

Finally I would borrow even more money and get plane tickets to New York, as my passion for the Big Apple has been re-ignited of late.

Nevertheless, I do believe that one of the first things I would do though, would be to go down south and say something to someone in person that I have ever only told by way of online or text message. Although I have not been certain of this in the last couple if weeks.

Maybe if I stopped in Alverca I would visit A and plant a great big kiss on her, married or not.

Another thing I'd still like to do is to track down Sonia, she has disappeared of my life and that had always disappointed me.

Who really knows until you are in that position?
You would just act out of impulse surely.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

07 September, 2010

What's not to love

What indeed
Don't know what I love most
Being taken for granted or being always the one having to give in

I think I may be bipolar, mood swings extreme states of heightened emotions punctuated by extended periods of solid boredom
Or maybe that's just harsh on people on people that are genuinely bipolar

Is it the passion that's gone?
Is it that I cannot hold on a straight line?
Is it that the fire has burnt out and the fuel is no more?
Is it the anxiety?
Or is that just another euphemism for frustration?

Could I?
Would I?
Should I?
Be strong?
Brave and fearless?
Leave all emotions feelings and other baggage behind?
Without looking back...?

What's not to love?
When there's no one to love
When loneliness beats boredom
What's not to love?
When there's no one loving you
When even the thoughts in you head are louder than the wind outside
What's not to love?
When your life is less than your work
When you rather not call visit travel than confront the reality if misery abandonment and disgrace

And yet, what is that compared to nuclear war?
World famine?


What's not to love?

About this life...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

04 September, 2010


Oh where art thou?
I miss thee.

Despite all my best efforts time has not erased you from my memory, from me!

Oh where art thou hast?
I miss the times we didn't spend... Isn't that a song by someone?

Despite all my determination the joke is on me and them crazy things do not leave me, I think they're called feelings or something.

Oh where art thou?

Sinto falta de ti, sinto falta das nossas conversas parvas, das idiotices. Tu eras aquela, uma de muito poucas, muitíssimo poucas mesmo. Sinto falta do teu riso inebriante, da tua presença e da tua disposição contagiante. Porquê? Não conseguia explicar. Porque mereces? Perguntaste-me, não te consegui convencer. Mas sabia-o. Soube-o. Não sei bem como nem como o explicar mas mesmo passado este tempo todo que apesar de apenas 6 meses parece 6 anos continuo a sabê-lo apesar de o ter tentado negar e desejar que nunca tivesse existido,

Oh, onde estás?

Amei-te. Será possível que ainda assim...

Continue a amar-te?

Apesar da distância
Apesar das desavenças
Apesar das intrigas
Apesar da mágoa
Apesar da ira
Mesmo assim, apesar de tudo...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone (Tuesday, 10th August)



And yet...

I cannot talk to you
I can't
I thought I could
I wanted to

But it's too painful
There's too many memories
Too much hurt leftover
From the debris you left my heart in

I thought it was healed
I thought I could forget
Ignore, separate
I thought I could be the better man

It worked, for a while
Maybe it'll work again
But it's difficult

And your kind and nice words now come too late
Too late for comfort

I'm just emotionally unstable
Socially incapable
Hopelessly unable

And yet...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone