Why write this blog

My photo
It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

31 May, 2010

Work Marathon

I'm still alive!!!
I've now worked ten days straight without a break, including fourteen hours last Friday! Surprisingly, I'm ok, a little bit more tired than usual but not too bad at all. I do have several aches here and there but I think they are leftovers from the last football match, when I say match it was more of a kick-about in the park following an afternoon of beer drinking in a beer garden in the rare English sunshine.

I think more than anything I like being busy and even though I'm getting weary I feel strangely refreshed, because I've been in so many days on a row things at work are running like I want them to and I feel I've got more control.
I might as well admit it, maybe I am a bit of a control freak, a little touch of OCD...!
Well, I still have three more days of craziness to take it to fifteen days straight! I don't think I'll know what to do with myself on my next day off!!!

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11 May, 2010

Right handside

I sleep on the right handside of the bed. I sleep on a double bed, but I don't sleep in the middle of it. I didn't mean to, I've just realised that I do. Is it because it's closer to the bedside lamp so I it's easier to turn it off and read my books?

I have two pillows in my double bed. I only use one. Well, sometimes I use both if I'm watching a film in my room but I only sleep on one.

The one on the right handside of the bed.

My room is my inner sanctum, it's where I can listen to music quite loud, where I play my computer games, browse the Internet, chat to my friends around the world, sleep. It is a testament to a batchelor, posters on the wall etc. It's a desperately lonely place.

Though most places feel lonely these days. England especially is making me feel quite alone these days. A lack of real friends does not help with that, people I know here and are friendly with can be quite good company, others however not so much. Although I seem to be quite good at sabotaging current relationships anyway due to my propensity to alienate people with my stupid pride and big mouth.

I have real friends, I know real friendship, I know I can be one, I'm lucky in this I know, others are not so fortunate as I. But I left them all behind, many many miles away. It was my decision, it was my choice, I stand by it, it's just hard at times when I have no one like that here, at least in Leicester, not necessarily the whole of England.

But the truth of the matter is that regardless if where I am or whom I am with or nearby, it'd make no difference. People have got their own lives, they're busy living it.

They've got somebody that sleeps on the left handside of their bed...

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10 May, 2010

I'm ok, seriously

It was a good day today. Some good sport on tv, the sun shining, a proper lazy Sunday afternoon (finished late last night had a bit of a lie-in). Watched the formula 1 got bored with that, watched Leicester on the play-offs against Cardiff for a bit got bored with that as well so watched an episode of Fringe instead. Was going to watch premiership football at four o'clock but both games were boring so I gave that up. Later on I listened to Benfica's match on the radio (Portuguese football, Benfica is the team I've always supported), last game of the season could be crowned champions after five years ifbthey won. And they did, they won!!! Benfica are champions again, I almost cried with emotion listening to the fans in the stadium and the players, fantastic achievement! Brilliant I'm well pleased.

Then went out for a drink with a friend, ended up in this bar that serves the best nachos with chilli beans ever!! Got home and got a call from my best friend in Portugal, she has recently given birth to a little girl called Maria João, so sad I can't be there with them but such is life hey? Then later on her husband (also one of my best friends, in fact I've known him the longest) called me as well, he was out celebrating Benfica's victory, you can't imagine what it must have been like in Lisbon, the whole city must have come out on the streets, all I could hear were car horns and people cheering! Benfica are huge, there were Portuguese people celebrating in France as well, Paris I think.

Happy times, it's these moments we live for! The little things people, the little things...

04 May, 2010

Unsung hero

I think Unsung Hero would be a good title for a book.
It's got so much potential. It could be a story about somebody who is always underrated, overlooked, underestimated, forgotten, ignored. It could be a book of poems about how he feels, thinks, acts. A one-liners collection of pronouns and adverbs, expressing his thoughts ideas and dreams.

It could be my autobiography. I'm feeling close to descending into self-pity once again. I can see how people say that that is the easier route to take. It is so much harder to deny one's emergent feelings than submerge them and try to look and feel positive, even if those feelings are somehow selfish and presumptuous and prepotent. The truth is that they are probably a blanket of protection, a self-fulfilling comfort zone of emotions and feelings to compensate for the otherwise stronger destructive effects of frustration and hurt, disappointment and deception. When that blanket fails, the next available avenue is the self-depecrating attention seeking attitude, calling out to someone for the comfort which you cannot find within yourself.

Or you simply don't, don't let yourself fall under, slip up, regress. Sometimes you can, if you've got the strength, other times you cannot. Sometimes the hurt is too great or the will too little.

I guess it's all a matter of proportion, a metaphorical mathematical formulae of mental and emotional states: the amount of will to overcome is equal to the hurt times the severity divided by the comfort required. Or some such...

Is the ability to self-analyse sufficient to halt the expected forthcoming paralysis?

Is writing an effective enough mode of self-analysis?

Is the hope of love one day enough to hold the loneliness at bay?

Is it? The hope of love one day enough...?

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01 May, 2010


Need to really keep this blogging going again. It's strange I miss the writing and the feedback but somehow I have been unwiling, or better still, strangely apathic.
That probably sums up my mood of late.
Bloggingwise, ever since Sang passed away I kinda haven't felt strongly about writing again because it would just remind me if him, and this new situation of missing somebody that I only knew through the Internet "ether".
Otherwise my mood has been apathic, without any specific reason for it. Having said that I can think of several small reasons for it. Maybe it was the holiday in Portugal in February. I enjoyed seeing all my friends again, immensely so, and it was hard to leave them behind. I enjoyed the sunshine and the Algarve, Carvoeiro and Vale de Centianes. I enjoyed going out in Lisbon. I enjoyed the weddings and the stag do. But at the same time it all depressed me somewhat. Spending time in the Algarve, resting, physically and mentally was great, being on my own was not however. And seeing all my friends either married or about to be married, all happy with a partner deepened my frustration. People asking me when I'm going to get a girlfriend helps even less, that depresses me even more (sorry Manuela, been meaning to tell you but it just never comes out, not that you are the only one mind!), guess I've been feeling a little bit lonely and I'm not enjoying the pressure at all.
Then there's work. I was happy to be back fir the above mentioned reasons and keen to be busy again. Which I have, that's for sure, it's just... not going very well for me at the moment but I'm trying not to let it get to me, so hard, but it's draining, it's difficult for me not to show what I feel.
Then there's moving, I quite enjoyed living in Birstall, but at the same time wanted to move closer to town and friends, so I didn't have to drive all the time. I just found it a bit stressful and strange, I had this profound feeling of life's fickleness and fragility, how quickly things change, how easy we move into new situations, the mutability of everything, whilst I'm not opposed or unfamiliar with change this time I felt weird, it was eerie like I was floating above it all seeing my life happenning before me.
I know, I'm strange. Which in itself is not a bad thing, depends how you think of it, my friend Magda dislikes me saying that.
Oh I nearly forgot, then there's my Friends Magda and Ricardo. Married. Young. Living life to the full, concerts, travelling etc. Magda was pregnant, I was so happy for them. The baby was born last week, Maria João. But I'm not gonna get to see her. Or be with my friends and embrace them and wish them happiness in person. This saddens me also. I also forgot to mention that one of the weddings I went to was that of my great Friend Telmo. He's been together with Irina for years, nobody thought or expected them to get married, in this day and age what difference does it make? But they did, and they were so happy, so good together, it was visible in their faces, it was practically palpable, it made me glad... and slightly depressed, when will I get that?
When indeed. Thus, apathy...

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