Why write this blog

My photo
It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

13 December, 2011

A most random piece...

Minute's come and gone
As the wind outside
Time wears on and on
In this life
Where we are too busy
And boredom takes control of our senses
We do not listen
We do not hear
We do not think
Barely have room to feel
Time wears on and on
In this life
Where minutes come and go
Like the wind rustling the leaves outside


There is an emptiness in me tonight. An emptiness I didn't know was there.
Maybe that's not the right word.
I'm unfocused, unable to concentrate, things that usually distract me seem pointless and shallow and I have no patience for them.
I'm unhinged somewhat. Feelings were resurrected that I thought buried for good, after all, it had taken me more than a year.
No, it's not the same intensity, the same utter anguish.
It's more refined, more suspicious, cautious. More afraid to trust.
But not indifferent, never that.

To have that sort of effect on someone is a huge boost to your ego. To have that sort of effect on someone you have once loved... sigh It's confusing to say the least.

And as it comes it's untenable regardless. Timing and distance and circumstances conspire against its fulfilment. Willingness and personal history are also stumbling blocks.

Que sera sera. Are there wiser words than this? The very essence of serendipity in three short words.

11 December, 2011


And so I return.
After what must have been about 6 months or so.
During which I have been sacked, unjustly so in my opinion, and I I have fought it and I got some measure of validation shall we say (cannot elaborate for legal reasons).
Been unemployed for roughly four months, and was fortunate enough to return to work within 5 or so, which in the current climate is not bad going. It's been hard work, long hours and a lot of driving.
Anyways, I'm somewhat settling in even though the plan was to move to a completely different city miles away there is now the opportunity to stay right where I am, in good ol' Leicester. I still have a weeks to make that decision thankfully, and I'm pleased I've been given the choice, though one though.
Anyways, today's post is inevitably about her, N. In a way, it's also also being out, with friends, and a group of people, it's been a while!
But moving on, she has come to visit. It hasn't been long since we've been communicating again, largely due to her, her decisions, her honesty and a lot of bravery. That was my main condition, absolute and unconditional honesty, and I got that, I think, but O believe it.
It's been odd seeing her, for real, and talk besides text messages. Albeit somewhat limited, nightclubs and pubs with a large group of people are not ideal grounds for conversations.
But general thoughts/impressions ate that a lot of hurt and grief has been gone through, a lot of bravery (again that expression!) and a willingness to move forward.
Which is fantastic, the best characteristics of her personality seem to be in evidence, whether they are a mask or not are in the current context neither here nor there.
The laugh is there. The smile. The general easygoingness (it's that a new word I just made up again ?! ;) Regardless it's been cool. :)