Why write this blog

My photo
It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

22 December, 2009

The world is upside down

People are strange, I'm sure that's the name of a song by The Doors. Old Jim Morrison knew what he was on about in the moments of lucidity he had amongst his drugs fueled life.

Indeed they are, people are strange. We do not do things that are logical or that make sense. We tend to make decisions based on emotions, which is not so bad if truth be told. Unfortunately, more often than not we are governed by negative emotions and negative experiences than positive ones.

We live ouf of fear, of the unwknown, of commitment, of change.

We let jealousy and anger and pride get in the way of our lives, often getting in the way of happiness.

We are conditioned by our past, in a way our past experiences has made us into who we are, but we tend to dwell on the past and that makes it difficult to live in the present let alone imagine a future.

Oh, we dream. And we hope. And we long.

But between what we want and desire and what we actually do and get can be a million miles of difference.

We break up with people we love out of pride. We quarrel over nothing. We don't get together with people we love or fancy or desire because we are scared or insecure or unsure.

Everyone has experienced these things in one form or another yet we do not change. True, it is difficult to get in a positive and open mindset, especially when all around you, you see other people commiting those same mistakes and going through the same dilemas.

It is our society that is wrong. It's the taboos and preconceptions and pre-judgments. We have come far as a species but there is a lot more growth to be go through.

Who I am to assume I know it all and know it better? Don't know, no one special, simply someone that observes the world with a different view. Someone who has looked deep inside and discovered that despite knowing all along that things are not quite right with the world and the majority of society we all have the power to change and effect change. It's that open mindset, that change in attitude, reinforcing positiveness.

I think. I guess.

The world is upside down. Some people are together that should never be together. People seek refuge in what they know if that is the wrong thing or the wrong person. People are alone that should not be alone.

Maybe we are in a Matrix, in a dreamworld, and the reality is out there somewhere else.

Or maybe we just need to be more open, more forgiving, more tolerant, more confident, more trustworthy.

14 December, 2009

The Last Week

Little have I written this past week. And the little I have down were in the form of emails to a couple of distant friends.

There are several reasons for this. Some positive ones and others maybe not so positive.

Given my new found sense of self and desire to find and express my real me I have been trying real hard to banish negative thoughts and have a more general positive attitude to life.

As a consequence I have been more social, more open and more relaxed. I would venture to say even happier. I have gone out where previously I would have stayed at home and that has been very good. I love spending time with people and making friends or strengthening friendships. I have enjoyed the time I have spent in easy bonomie with good people.This has left me less time than I would normally have sitting on my own at home.

These are all good reasons. I have also got a new phone, with internet, where I can check my emails online, read other blogs etc which means I am at my computer less and less. Also a good thing probably, I'm not sure.

I also have had nothing much to write about if I'm to be truthful. Anguish and despair and loneliness will always lend themselves to a more propitious state of mind for writing and creativity. Especially in my case where I have used writing, in the last few months, as a way of exorcising demons and working things out. Once these "things", ideas and emotions and frustrations change and start to make sense the need for writing becomes, not necessarily less, but more subdued and less urgent.

On the negative side, the only real negative reason is that the one thing I would like to write about, and indeed, still have something to say, I cannot do so freely. And that is annoying and a little frustrating but it does not occupy my mind all that much. All I can say is that there is a strange situation arising, where I am feeling happier with a more jovial attitude and healthier outlook on life following my holiday, elsewhere the opposite seems to be happening. And whilst I am not supposed to be the recipient of any friendliness I find myself, unwittingly, being the receptacle for the result of those emotions and feelings and anxiety states.

I do apologise if it sounds cryptic but I really cannot elaborate. I mean, I could, it probably doesn't matter anymore as no one will be reading that will care, but I will continue to be circumspect nonetheless out of respect and because I gave my word.

So yes, I have been writing infrequently. But maybe in the long run the posts will carry more meaning and quality. I still desire to carry on writing, and it still interests me that other people from random places of the world read it, mostly by accident, and I enjoy reading other people's blogs. It is an extra way of communicating, and we all need to communicate, and I enjoy it, I feel like a sense of responsibility to carry on now that I have started it.

On a final note, life really is a funny old thing (there's that word again thing! I'll write a post about it sometime soon). I find myself going through this process of self-improvement and change following weeks of self-awareness, analysis and with a little help from friends. But all around me, sadly, I am seeing the opposite. Relationships breaking down, family ties unraveling, personal lives thrown into chaos and uncertainty. It makes me a little upset and also a little guilty. Like I cannot fully express this new found energy and spirit because people I care about are unable to share it with me. And here's the irony, all I can do is to be the self I have been in the last few years, quiet and understanding and in the background.

I don't want to be in the background any longer. Luckily though, there are other people, and other friends, and it is with them I have been attempting to realise myself. But, somehow, it feels a little hollow at times.

If only we could all see and truly understand the fickleness of life we would all live it much more profoundly.

07 December, 2009

A night alone


Tonight is the night after.
The day after my relapse.
Yesterday I relapsed into despair.
I'm not sure how it happened. All I know is that I felt the anger, the frustration and the hurt again. It was a flood of feelings I wasn't expecting. I thought I would cry, mentally and consciously I wanted to cry. Unlike the feelings however the tears did not come.
I was surprised as it had been such a good day, much like today. Sunny day spent in a quiet and beautiful beach. I was even happy that Benfica had won. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it had been one of the happiest days I'd had in a few weeks.
Maybe that's why. Happiness and sadness feelings originate in the same areas of the brain. Maybe it was my unconscious trying to tell me something, reminding me that maybe I shouldn't be all that happy when so much hurt and doubt is still inside. Writing it down like this somehow makes it sound wrong. But I did feel bad, I kept reliving those moments over and over again. I blamed it on the beers, the alcohol making me vulnerable and sad. But I have drunk just as much today if not more and I'm not the same at all.
Speaking to Manuela today helped, of course it did. It made me realise...what? I don't even know... that I need to move on? That I should stop doubting? That it is all normal after all? All of them really.
So today is the day after.
The last day I'll be on my own for a while. And I should use it to write, if that really is what I love, and what I use as an escape. Drinking as fun as it is does not do it for me. TV bores me. Reading, I love, always will, but it only distracts me, it does not resolve anything. Talking, yes, talking helps. Talking to someone that encourages and reassures you helps a lot. I have gained a new friend. And I have always needed my friends. And I always will, without a shadow of a doubt. But I also need to work it out for myself. Writing down my thoughts makes it all so much more permanent and in a way real. 
Looking and thinking back, I remember that in fact I have always resorted to writing down what my feelings were when I was in turmoil. At least during the majority of my adult life in the last few years I have been "divorced" from writing, what does that say? That I had given up? That I had no feelings? No inner turmoil?
But at the end of the day it is feelings of turmoil and the whole range of other feelings that makes us feel alive in a way. I have denied myself over these last few years. Really, I have been. Ever since returning to Portugal back in 2002, I have denied myself. Funnily enough, 2/3 of my worst ever years have been during that seven year period. Not that all was roses before them but at least I was still trying to find a way rather than just accepting it. 
That's not entirely true though. The difference is that I have accepted the circumstances and I stopped dreaming and stopped hoping. That has been the difference over the last seven years.
I was trying to think back at the last time I was really positive and confident and that was when I was still at uni, between my first and second year especially. That Summer of 1998, has it really been 11 years ago? I dared to hope then, not only that, I was convinced that things in life would be very good. Last year for example, was so anonymous that i can't even recall even if I have been back to Portugal or not.
I think falling in love now has kind of reawaken me and made me re-evaluate things. Re-evaluate my life. And now, even more so. With my dad opening up and with Manuela encouraging me to change things around with my mum over here, which of course, changes my financial situation , and that will undoubtedly have an effect on how I can conduct my life. On top of all the other resolutions I had already made regardless. Manuela can be the, not spring, but the person that pushes me as I've never been pushed. And I do need that push, I always have. It is one of my failings, complacency.
So really, things will change. I have already started to change a few. I don't care about TV all that much anymore. Or computer games. I'm enjoying the running and the exercise, I must keep that up, I can't let my frustration let me drag down into the same old routine of life of the past four/five years.
I have also decided to be more social. Spend time with people. This where the financial side of things will come into play. Going out with people. Going to concerts and festivals and parties. And as Manuela says, dress better and look better. Of course people look at that, how can you not? It's how you make first impressions. Even if I'm genuine and deep and meaningful I'll still need to cause a good first impression to be able to show people what I'm like at that more personal level and show myself and get people to know who I really am. 
Of course, by then I will need to know who the real Me is! I don't think I'm too far from that though, I'm too self-analytical and self-critical not to know that already. But, to be fair, is getting to a stage where I can share that inner me with other people in the first place. It's that confidence and those opportunities that I do not have and that I will need to show.
Those are the changes.
Change starts inside, I have always said it, I just have to, not only believe it, but act on it!

04 December, 2009

An image of God

Even though I am an atheist I thought this description of God by Umberto Eco in his book Bauolino too good to pass up:

"God is lamp without flame, a flame without fire, a fire without heat, a dark light, a silent rumble, a blind flash, a luminous soot, a ray of his own darkness, a circle that expands concentrating on its own center, a solitary multiplicity, he is a space that is not, in which you and I are the same thing, as we are today in this time that doesn't flow".

Beautiful, I could be converted to this God, and I suspect maybe even Richard Dawkins!!

02 December, 2009

Me Time


I was going to title it Algarve or Portugal or Home but in fact today it was about Me. Me enjoying myself and enjoying the day.

A glorious day it was at that as well, it started with the most beautiful light, the Sun was shining in a clear blue sky. Lying in the beach looking at the Sun's rays reflected in the sea among the sound of waves reminded me of how great life can be.

Follow that up with some great Portuguese traditional food in the form of grilled sardines and bifanas (sandwich of grilled pork cutlets) eaten in a restaurant by the sea, the background of Praia da Rocha...

All in all, a good day.



Am I allowed to re-start?
Can I find myself?

A new self, that can be expressed through actions and aattitude and behaviour, fully, rather than just partially as I have so far.

A self that shares himself through his actions and behaviour and attitude his inner beliefs and feelings, with everyone, something that only a select a few have experienced, I have thus far reserved that me to my innermost circle of trusted friends.

Can I translate my inner person and self into an extrovert and confident individual?

All I've ever wanted was to feel not only the love of someone but also someone that can push and support me positively and pro-actively, if there is one thing I know I am guilty of is of a certain amount of jadedness and apathy...