Why write this blog

My photo
It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

13 December, 2011

A most random piece...

Minute's come and gone
As the wind outside
Time wears on and on
In this life
Where we are too busy
And boredom takes control of our senses
We do not listen
We do not hear
We do not think
Barely have room to feel
Time wears on and on
In this life
Where minutes come and go
Like the wind rustling the leaves outside


There is an emptiness in me tonight. An emptiness I didn't know was there.
Maybe that's not the right word.
I'm unfocused, unable to concentrate, things that usually distract me seem pointless and shallow and I have no patience for them.
I'm unhinged somewhat. Feelings were resurrected that I thought buried for good, after all, it had taken me more than a year.
No, it's not the same intensity, the same utter anguish.
It's more refined, more suspicious, cautious. More afraid to trust.
But not indifferent, never that.

To have that sort of effect on someone is a huge boost to your ego. To have that sort of effect on someone you have once loved... sigh It's confusing to say the least.

And as it comes it's untenable regardless. Timing and distance and circumstances conspire against its fulfilment. Willingness and personal history are also stumbling blocks.

Que sera sera. Are there wiser words than this? The very essence of serendipity in three short words.

11 December, 2011


And so I return.
After what must have been about 6 months or so.
During which I have been sacked, unjustly so in my opinion, and I I have fought it and I got some measure of validation shall we say (cannot elaborate for legal reasons).
Been unemployed for roughly four months, and was fortunate enough to return to work within 5 or so, which in the current climate is not bad going. It's been hard work, long hours and a lot of driving.
Anyways, I'm somewhat settling in even though the plan was to move to a completely different city miles away there is now the opportunity to stay right where I am, in good ol' Leicester. I still have a weeks to make that decision thankfully, and I'm pleased I've been given the choice, though one though.
Anyways, today's post is inevitably about her, N. In a way, it's also also being out, with friends, and a group of people, it's been a while!
But moving on, she has come to visit. It hasn't been long since we've been communicating again, largely due to her, her decisions, her honesty and a lot of bravery. That was my main condition, absolute and unconditional honesty, and I got that, I think, but O believe it.
It's been odd seeing her, for real, and talk besides text messages. Albeit somewhat limited, nightclubs and pubs with a large group of people are not ideal grounds for conversations.
But general thoughts/impressions ate that a lot of hurt and grief has been gone through, a lot of bravery (again that expression!) and a willingness to move forward.
Which is fantastic, the best characteristics of her personality seem to be in evidence, whether they are a mask or not are in the current context neither here nor there.
The laugh is there. The smile. The general easygoingness (it's that a new word I just made up again ?! ;) Regardless it's been cool. :)

21 October, 2011

I had a daydream

I did, I've had it for some time actually, but it came to me again, today.
It wasn't a revelation earth-shattering and awe-inspiring Martin Luther King kind of dream.
No, it was very basic, very personal and very vague.

I had this daydream.
About a girl.
She makes me feel...
I would drive miles to see her.
She wouldn't know, it had to be a surprise.
She makes me laugh...
I would go into a shop and buy her something special.
Flowers is the obvious one but it wouldn't work.
She makes me wonder...
It'd be something else, bought impulsively and on the spur of the moment.
Because I wouldn't go to her.
She makes me doubt...
No, I would wait for her.
See her from a distance.
She makes me irrational...
Wait for her to notice me.
See her reaction.
She makes me cautious...
A furtive glance at first.
Then, confusion, disbelief maybe.
She makes me feel impulsive...
A proper look then, acknowledging my presence.
She would come over.
She makes me feel insecure...
I would look into her eyes.
Hers would meet mine.
She makes me feel...
And I would know.

What I would know I'm unsure.
What happens after that is hazy. Vague.
I know what I would want it to happen.
I fear what might happen.
I don't want to think about what would really happen.

I would want to meet her and kiss her and for it to be a great romantic moment like in the movies.
It scares me that I could get anger and recrimination and we would fall out irreparably.
Most likely it would be awkward and difficult, we would say hi and nothing would happen and it'd just be the most casual thing.

But I can daydream.
That I would wait for her.
Outside her work.
That I would somehow rent a white horse.
There would be a commotion no doubt.
She would come out and see me there.
I would ride by and dismount.
It would be an Officer and a Gentleman scene then.
She would be so embarrassed shocked and laughing at the same time.
I would kiss her and ask her to ride with me.
I would sweep her off her feet and we would ride away.
It would be a wild ride...

18 August, 2011

Ebbing away...

I can feel the fight dying in me.
There's still strength, desire to not throw down the towel, but it's becoming harder.
It's waning though, it's hard to carry on, to keep up hope.
There's still some hope left though, confidence in my own abilities but very little in the way of progress.
I sense the underlying sadness trying to break through and overwhelm me.
There's resistance left in me, I still want to beat this, believe it will lead to something better.
It's just so difficult, the loneliness threatens to engulf me any time now.

It can go either way, but it's ebbing away...

07 July, 2011

You know it's hot when the sand burns

It's been so long since I've had holidays in the Summer I think I'd almost forgotten what it's like.

The sky is a delicious light blue with not a cloud in sight, not even a wisp of a cloud.

The sun reigns supreme and it lends everything a brilliance and colour unmatched.

The sea revels in this, casting magical brief reflections in its undulation to the shore. It's colour is all blue, from the darker, stronger, blue of the far away deep to the mild blue nearer the coast, and that particular blue-green in the shallow areas of the beach.

It's hot. You can hardly walk on the sand, it burns your feet, sitting on your towel relaxing and despite all the heat, and of course because of it, you are still drenched, in sweat, as your body tries to adjust to the surrounding environment. There's only solution: go in the sea. Swim, under water, letting its welcoming wetness refresh your body.

There's no sensation like it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

28 June, 2011

The impact of confidence and self-delusion

Is it possible that a lot of loneliness out there simply exists out of the fact that everyone thinks they're not good enough?

Not good enough for a certain job. Not good enough for a girl. We go through half our life thinking we're something we're not and the other half paying the price for that delusion.

When you're young, 18, 19, 20 you think you can do anything. You believe that, you're on top of the world, everything is possible and within reach. I mean there are doubts but you push them away, far far deep inside.

Then life catches up, things haven't quite worked out as they were meant to, certainly not as you envisaged it. So the doubts creep in. And you start to think you're not good enough.

On the other side there are those people that are confident or have that outside look of authority, and self-confidence, certain of their convictions. They project that image and that image can be frightening to a lot of people. Because they look impressive, with their certainty and their self-assured look, they are "good", you know, they won't "mix" with the other kind.

When in truth deep down everyone is assaulted by the same doubts, the same restlessness, the same feelings, the same desires.

But because someone looks a bit prettier, or dresses up a little better or appears more composed they are out of reach, out of all the others, poorer mortals, less pretty, with an unsophisticated fashion sense and outward fragility.

So one half wonders what's wrong with them that no one approaches them and the other half is too cowed to even attempt it.

Of course, all this is a somewhat simplistic and understated. You would think that everyone is always alone and obviously that's not the case. The world is not black and white divided into two halves. It's colourful with lots of shades of grey.

People have relationships. Some of those work very well. Of those a few resist the test of time. Which is wonderful. You see those stories plastered over movies and books making you believe that's what the world is like.

But as I said before, the world has shades of grey. Some people don't have relationships. Beautiful people don't always lead happy lives. Rich people are quite often unhappy. Nothing is guaranteed. There's no plan, no single line to take.

And, I have no conclusion to draw. Simply, a reflexion. That a lot if heartache and some happiness is stifled by the fear that you're not good enough.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

17 May, 2011

Helpless romantic


I wish I could grow more in some departments. I have grown more in the last year and half than in the previous seven! I Don't think I've changed dramatically, I just have a far more positive attitude, although in some cases I have chosen to conform. Romantically though, I'm far too naive, which for someone my age is a bit silly. I was watching a film earlier and I've realised that I look at love and relationships like some desperately innocent teenager. I lack the fundamental and necessary skills to woo someone. I lack the ability to come up with witty remarks. I am hopeless at small talk. Too much of a coward at key times. Alas. Annoyingly I don't really see a way out of this. It's one of them spiral situations, a bit like getting your first job straight out if uni, you can't get a job because you have no experience and you can't get experience because you can't get a job! One of two things have to happen either go for voluntary work to get experience or someone takes a chance on you (or you know someone but that's altogether different and paramount to cheating). How these transfer into the field of love & relationships I don't know. I always thought & believed that when you met the right person you would know, know that you met the right person and that you would know what to do. For a long while you can believe that you're just unlucky, the circumstances didn't help, but then that just don't wash anymore and you got wonder right?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


You don't need a pre-defined path to undertake a personal voyage of self-discovery
True, if it's a well-known path known for a thousand years it'll certainly be less lonely
You'll have a chance to connect to similar-minded people or at least similarly-motivated people to aspire to reach somewhere and wait for a miracle
The destination is less important than the journey as anything in life, we need to enjoy and cherish moments, nurture and relish relationships, love and appreciate friends and lovers
But this is not always easy if what you feel is more often than not hopelessness or apathy, when you can't discern the path ahead of you or accept the life you have chosen
Life though, is not a choice, it's to be lived, and only when you embrace it wholeheartedly, regardless of what you're doing or where you are or who you're with, can it be lived and enjoyed
To be able to see this sometimes it'll take "outside" help
It might be a friend that points it out, or a comment from a complete stranger, a remark from a new friend that has a fresh perspective, a line in movie, a sentence in a book
Yet still it might not get through, you have to be able to feel it, to really feel it deep inside, but for that you have to be receptive to change, and eager for a different way
The proverbial kick up the arse
Or is that too simplistic?
All I know is that you can have a journey of personal self-discovery without leaving where you are, the location is not important, however it may be that you need to get away from everything even if just for a few days
Going away is always an option, the lure of travel can be very appealing especially if you crave knowledge and beauty and discover new worlds

I don't know where I'm going with this. There's not a conclusion necessarily, it's more a reflection. An attempt at trying to understand what motivates us, how we can change ourselves, how we can learn and grow.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

13 May, 2011

It makes me smile

To hear the laughter
See the smile
And enjoy the natural and sincere bonhomie
Of spending time with friends

To feel loved
And love back without restraints
Those who want to spend time with you
Friends and family alike

To feel the sun on my skin
Watch the sunlight playfully light up the sea
Hear the sound of the waves crashing lightly on the shore
And then write all these up as I recall them

Because it is for these and because of these and for the hope of more such moments
That we endure others less enjoyable
Without the latter you cannot have the former nor can you truly appreciate them
This indeed is what makes one smile, to be able to accept both as part of the same
Such as we call life

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

12 May, 2011

Three weeks

We don't really talk
I don't really see you
Thoughts do not become words
They remain in my head unsaid
Time passes and the longer it does the harder it is
To say something or do anything
I left it all and not acted
For fear it would make it all worse and have you hate me
But now I feel that may have been foolish
Yet that may not be so, maybe not pushing and rushing into anything is a good thing
I wish...
I just wish we could be together and talk
Look into each other eyes and know
Whether to kiss or hug or walk away
Am I too much of a hopeless romantic to believe in that?
All I know is that time passes...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

04 May, 2011

Fading, fading, faded gone!

Ah nuts.

At least I know though, that I can love again (was it love?) and not just to forget someone else.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

28 April, 2011

The other side of the coin

And now I feel different
It's the sand and the sun and the wind
Now I feel eager and ready
It's the weather and the company and the rest
I feel that I can
Arrest your heart and furtively catch a glance of you and casually touch your arm
Look into your eyes and hold your gaze
I feel a flutter of excitement
At possibilities and disappointments, hopes and fears, passion and despair
I feel ready to feel
With or without you
I feel stronger and determined and passionate
To steal your soul and run away to the moon with it without looking back
To sweep you off your feet and carry you in my arms
And to dare to go further and give you my heart

Not now, today or tomorrow
Not never either
But when you can

My heart can be yours should we dare to allow ourselves the chance to let it happen
Dare I say it...?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

24 April, 2011

Anti-Social Robot

My friend told me a few months ago after a particularly self-deprecating post that sometimes I look like an anti-social robot, always rationalizing everything, completely emotionless.

I agree partly with him. I don't think I'm emotionless, but I guess I am most of the time fairly clueless at knowing what to do with those emotions, or rather what I think or believe or contend is the right course of action tends to swiftly blow in my face and prove otherwise.

But I do indeed rationalize everything, that much is true for sure. I can't explain why, but I do obsess over every detail and every memory and every action and consequence. Is it the case that I can't see the forest for the trees because I'm looking into too much detail and missing the big picture?

Damn, that was like some kind of short-lived epiphany right there. Over-thinking can be a mistake and keeping it simple is what works the best in most situations. I like it simple, I do, but my mind betrays me, constantly thinking, constantly going over things.

Is that what makes me a bona fide flesh and bone robot?

This is not the post I wanted to write. I wanted to write about me being saddened today. For no apparent reason. Well, that's not true, for no acceptable and discernible "true" reason. I know why I'm saddened. I just shouldn't be at all. Maybe it's the tiredness. But I saw my friends old comment and it set me thinking.

Thinking on why it is that I over-analyse things. Which, ironically, is precisely what I'm doing right now, by writing this post.

Regardless, I am saddened because I can see far ahead, one of the things I am good at (or am I?) is at looking at patterns and imagine how things will unfold.

And when I see the seeds being planted on the ground I can't help myself but to see the field in two years time, covered with flowers and trees and birds and bees and rabbitts and squirrels. I can't help myself seeing and imagining how beautiful it would be when the sun shines on it in an end of day afternoon. And not do anything about it, to do nothing, to choose inaction, makes me anxious, it saddens me thinking that field will never exist but I really want it to come alive.

I guess they're nothing but dreams of an overactive brain, too much imagination of a lonely soul looking for its mate, looking for happiness.

Looking. Continually.

Forever looking...


Resistance is key
Must not pressurise
Head before heart
Can not idealise

Stop it Cabral, stop it, stop it stop it stop it!

Stop projecting scenarios, stop over-thinking and over-analysing
Stop agonising, stop imagining what does not exist
You cannot summon something into being that's not yours to control
You cannot force something that has not started and does not currently exist

Too much obsession will corrode you
And it will kill it before it began
Too much indecision will gnaw at your soul
And leave you an empty shell that's useless to anyone

Let it happen
Let time run its course
Let the currents of life take you hither
And do not worry

Let it be
Let serendipity take care of circumstances
Let the feelings inside come forth
And be patient

Let it go
Let loose the shackles of anxiety
Let yourself be shown
And she will find you

I hope she will.
I hope we will, find each other.
I want to take action, I want it now, I want to do something, inaction drives me insane, I must act, do something!
But, rush is the enemy of perfection, how often have I learnt that?
So, no.
I'll stay my eager heart and my anxious mind
And I shall hope
That when we find each other there'll be something there
Something that can grow

I'd like that.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

23 April, 2011


Clouds and dreams and feelings are nothing but ungraspable illusions
Illusions that you create out of thoughts and expectations and hope
Hope that nothing may turn to something and something may come to mean more, at some point, in the future
Future is, alas, as ungraspable as a wisp of cloud in the distant sky

You turn your eyes to the sky and your hopes to the future
Hoping that connections and feelings will become true
You grasp for the intangible
Hoping to reach the impossible
Because therein lies a promise of happiness and companionship
Because perhaps, just maybe, something pure can come out of nothing

Is the impossible possible?
Sometimes it is or you live in hope that one day it will be

Are feelings and thoughts and hopes nothing but constructs of an over eager mind and a lonely soul?
Desperate to beat loneliness and jadedness
Is impatience enemy or instrument of passion?
Are these feelings emergent? Or are thoughts and hopes artificially creating them?
Can they be one and the same?
Do these questions and doubts and anxieties have an answer?
Can their meaning be sought deep inside?
Where no one has touched before and it eagers for a chance to realise its full intensity?

Or is it as pointless and fatidic as trying to reach a wisp of cloud?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

20 April, 2011


You're in my thoughts, you're on my mind
You've come from left field and left me lost for words
I'm not indifferent but nor am head over heels
Which is most likely a good thing but as always I over thought it and postponed things
Still you're on mind
You've stolen yourself onto my mind and I don't know what to feel
I think I feel kinda of anxious kinda hopeful and kinda scared
I feel attraction and I feel empathy
But I don't know you and you don't know me
I guess we'll just have discover each other together
On long nights and bright days as the Summer approaches
On the cover of raincloud and the sound of thunder
We shall find ourselves in a Summer lightening storm
Together me and you in each others arms...
I hope to find you soon and I will let you find me when you're ready
Who knows what the future holds and that's as it should be

To you, babe, cause you're on my mind.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

05 April, 2011

Ways things could be worse

List of things that would mean life would be worse, much worse:

I could have lost a son or a daughter
I could have lost a limb
I could have lost the ability to walk
I could have lost the ability to see
I could be unemployed
I could live in a war zone
I could have cancer
I could be homeless
I could be stranded after a plane crash

I think all these are all pretty grim possibilities, and not that unfathomable

So, I guess things aren't too bad.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

26 March, 2011

Who do you talk to

Who do you talk to when you've got no one?

When you have no friends?
Or when those friends are very far away?

Do you write on an empty sheet of paper in front of you?
Do you type on your computer?

Do you talk to yourself in the mirror?

Who? Who do you talk to when all your semi-friends are nothing but acquaintances that rather spend their time with someone else?
Who do you talk to when no one enjoys your company?

Do you drain your sorrows in a glass of whisky or other such alcoholic drink?
Do you go for a walk in the night and howl at the moon at the unfairness of the world?

Do you communicate to the unisphere at large in the vain hope that someone will get it?

Who, indeed, do you talk to...

When people only appear to enjoy your company, because they're your colleagues, employees, bosses, etc?
When you can't talk to strangers?

Do you sit, and write, or type or blog...?

Do you talk to everyone in the world and no one?

Do you take the world and your faith and your life in your hands?

What do you with it then? That you have not done so far? Because if you knew how to do it you had already done it?

Who do you talk to? When you have no real friends?

Do you stare at a computer monitor and punch keys on your keyboard.........

11 March, 2011


Been to three shops today, all of them had massive queues! I dislike queuing in shops. I don't really know why but I expect to be served pretty swiftly. Especially in smallish shops. On weekdays daytime. Bitter!
If I go to a large supermarket I expect it to be very busy so that's ok, I suppose it all boils down to one's own individual expectations. If I go to the post office I know it'll be busy so I'm prepared to wait, but they have several people attending so there's little the poor chaps can do. Same with surgeries, you expect that consultations may over run, and that's comforting because you'd want the doctor to take as much as possible with you when it's your turn.
I also dislike waiting for the bus, any bus. I think this is because you never know how long you have got to wait. I have no problems with trains for example, or coaches, bar five minus or plus minutes they are generally on time.
Random waiting I think is the issue. Some places you walk into you have no idea how long it might take, this could be because of generally awkward customers or inefficient and incompetent staff, or both combined which is a powerful mixture for the greatest pain in the ass waiting time.

04 March, 2011

The One I Want

I want to have an intelligent conversation with you
I want you to have an open mind
I want you to want to try new things, be it music, movies, food, ideas or experiences
Ideally we would have some common taste in music
I want to take you to Portugal and go out in Lisbon, show in the views from the miradouros, go to a casa de fados, go to Merendeira to eat caldo verde or sit down to eat pastel de natas em Belém
I want you to appreciate jazz
I want you to be strong and intelligent and independent
I want you to be able to argue cogently with me
Sit down watching a soppy girly film sometimes
Let me watch football without too much hassling
Enjoy going out doing stuff together: going away to visit a quaint village, enjoy some crazy architecture somewhere, go camping in Scotland, climbing in Peru and the one night clubbing in town
Where art thou?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

01 March, 2011

Am I a warrior of light?

Because I do ask myself questions. And I am looking for a reason and direction.

I do indeed suffer over trivial things. I have mean thoughts and do wonder sometimes I have grown up. I make mistakes, I'm cowardly at times.

I spend many sleepless nights and sometimes I am not sure what I'm doing here.

But I do ask myself questions. So, maybe I am a warrior of light. Maybe my "counterpart", the other PC is right.

Do I have a certain gleam in my eyes?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

16 February, 2011


There's something about the sea that appeals to me. Something inside of me stirs when I'm near it. I would like to think that it's the blood of my ancestors speaking to me through the ages, it's a romantic view, I know. Which is probably very fat from the truth, I and all my family are from the north, up near the mountains, very far from the ocean and there's every likelihood that past relatives were also from the region. But maybe, just maybe, someone wasn't. It would be fantastic to discover such a link. Perhaps one of these days I'll investigate my lineage and find out what surprises, if any, are there to find.
In the meantime, I stop. I stop to listen to the sound of the waves, drifting and waving and crashing on the rocks and the sand helped by the winter wind. I stop to watch, the undulation and the eddies and the way the sunlight falls on it, the different colour of its waters depending how deep it is. I stop, to write, because it inspires me, somehow. I stop because they are calming sights and sounds. I stop and so does, seemingly, everything else around it. Apart from the wind.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

14 January, 2011

Signs of Age

This post is a copy and paste from Kim Ayres brilliant blog Ramblings of the Bearded One.

Except... that I have changed a few things, he doesn't look like he feels, and I'm pretty sure I don't feel like I look!

I'm continually getting surprised each time I look in the mirror.

My eyes are bloodshot sometimes.

My hair is grayer than it was, the odd white hair is starting to show.

I have dark shadows under my eyes.

I don't know if I have excessively pale or sallow skin, but I may well do.

I have huge sagging bags under my eyes.

I have a haunted look etched into my face, every time I see a photo of me posted on Facebook by friends recently, the word that comes to my mind the most is haggard.

It astounds me I don’t feel anything like I look.

I know I'm getting old, or older. Despite my kips to people at work about being an old man I don't actually feel old at all, its just working with students and people at work it's crazy that there is now a gulf of more than ten years between us. I was having this very same conversation with my friends about a year or so ago, sitting in a bar in Bairro Alto in Lisbon.

I am 33 years old. I did not mind the barrier of the 30 at all. It's how you act, it's how you feel, and it's what you do. I don't mind being my age, I like it. I know more, I understand better, I am more patient and perhaps, dare I say it, am wiser, certainly wiser than 15/12 years ago!

So it has come as a shock the physical manifestations of the inevitability effects of time on my physical self. Especially recently. When I compare photos of me of 4/5/6 years ago and the more recent photos a year old or so I can notice a marked difference. Which is odd, I think, surprising even. Arguably I have been happier and more willing to make changes than I have in previous years of morose passiveness. And I have felt better for it. Why the marked changes in appearance then?

It doesn't worry me unduly. It's just, that I don't feel it. I don't "feel" 33. I don't feel I'm in my mid thirties. Not that I know what that should feel like of course, maybe other people that know me probably do think that I do indeed look and act and should rightly feel my age. Whatever that may mean.

Am I not taking good care of myself? Am I in need of someone to take care of me? My ex-immediate boss who is still, now, my higher boss once told me, in passing, that I needed a woman to take care of me. I was quite offended by it, it's not that I want to be alone, or that I don't want a girlfriend, but I don't need someone to take care of me thank you very much, I can take care of myself pretty well actually. I don't feel those would be good reasons to find a partner anyway, so didn't take any notice of it. But I wonder, could there be a semblance of verisimilitude in that remark?

Whatever it is, the signs of aging are all too easy to see. I was always thought I would be a bald man, after all, it seems to run in the family, all the "males of the species", as it were, were very bald by the time they were my age. And I was always mentally prepared for it, but that has not yet materialized. Instead it looks I might grey out before I go bald. I wondered the other day, if it becomes more noticeable would I dye my hair? And instantly dismissed it. It is what it is, why should I be ashamed or afraid or embarassed?

It is what it is. But I don't feel it.