My friend told me a few months ago after a particularly self-deprecating post that sometimes I look like an anti-social robot, always rationalizing everything, completely emotionless.
I agree partly with him. I don't think I'm emotionless, but I guess I am most of the time fairly clueless at knowing what to do with those emotions, or rather what I think or believe or contend is the right course of action tends to swiftly blow in my face and prove otherwise.
But I do indeed rationalize everything, that much is true for sure. I can't explain why, but I do obsess over every detail and every memory and every action and consequence. Is it the case that I can't see the forest for the trees because I'm looking into too much detail and missing the big picture?
Damn, that was like some kind of short-lived epiphany right there. Over-thinking can be a mistake and keeping it simple is what works the best in most situations. I like it simple, I do, but my mind betrays me, constantly thinking, constantly going over things.
Is that what makes me a bona fide flesh and bone robot?
This is not the post I wanted to write. I wanted to write about me being saddened today. For no apparent reason. Well, that's not true, for no acceptable and discernible "true" reason. I know why I'm saddened. I just shouldn't be at all. Maybe it's the tiredness. But I saw my friends old comment and it set me thinking.
Thinking on why it is that I over-analyse things. Which, ironically, is precisely what I'm doing right now, by writing this post.
Regardless, I am saddened because I can see far ahead, one of the things I am good at (or am I?) is at looking at patterns and imagine how things will unfold.
And when I see the seeds being planted on the ground I can't help myself but to see the field in two years time, covered with flowers and trees and birds and bees and rabbitts and squirrels. I can't help myself seeing and imagining how beautiful it would be when the sun shines on it in an end of day afternoon. And not do anything about it, to do nothing, to choose inaction, makes me anxious, it saddens me thinking that field will never exist but I really want it to come alive.
I guess they're nothing but dreams of an overactive brain, too much imagination of a lonely soul looking for its mate, looking for happiness.