Why write this blog

My photo
It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

31 October, 2010

Holiday Journal III

Wednesday - Day 6

Geez, this feels like a Big Brother style narration, on day six, nothing happened...

Which is pretty close to the truth, only left the house to get some food from the shop.

The highlight was going to watch Back to the Future at the cinema, it was ace, I hadn't seen it in ages and certainly never on the big screen.

It's amazing the little things you notice now, the details that make the film awesome be it the music when Marty wakes up to or the car plate on the DeLorean.

At my friends prompting I wikipediaed it, Michael J. Fox was actually 24 when he made the film, which came out in the same year as Teen Wolf, and Doc Brown was about 50 and he is still alive.

Quality stuff!

Thursday - Day 7

Really boring day. Finally sorted out my washing and made headways into tidying my room.

And that was it pretty much.

Oh yeah, popped into work for a bit to get my schedule, which was exciting, closing four nights on my first four days back, and had a bit of a moan with someone, why is it that despite promising myself that I will never complain about anything something always comes up? It's just so frustrating when basic things don't get done or don't happen, which I consider basic that is, maybe they're really not since it seems so difficult for them to occur... "sigh" ...

In the evening I decided that I needed a bit more order in my life and to be a bit more pro-active so I devised a very simple daily/weekly plan to improve upon things. I also think I want to do some type of volunteering, see if I can fit it around work.

And that was it. That's what I done on my week off.

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28 October, 2010

People are fragile things

"People are fragile things, be careful what you put them through."

You are so right Tom, very fragile indeed. We all have our strengths and we certainly have weaknesses. Everyone reacts differently to things because everyone is different, but all have weak spots.

Sometimes these weak spots can be shattered. By others, by events, by circumstances even by themselves.

We all fear something, we are all partial to a specific point of view, a desire, a vanity... Therefore we call all hurt as well.

Hurt can be inflicted by other people, intentionally or not.
Hurt can come to you, because you were reckless or did pay attention.
Hurt can find you, out of the blue when you least expect it.
Hurt can be many things and take many forms.
Hurt can be physical. If the physical is so great that stops you living your life properly, it becomes emotional hurt also. Emotional hurt and physical hurt can be too much to bear. It can be the beginning of the descent into a spiral.

It's so easy to hurt others.
There are those who have become experts at exploring ones fragilities for their own benefit.
It's so easy to let yourself be hurt.
By trusting the wrong people or by opening yourself up and becoming vulnerable.

Words can hurt. I should know.

Life can hurt, but it hurts even more when you see it happening to others. Especially if you care for them.

I don't know where this post is going, all I know is... you can hurt people unintentionally because you forget that they are fragile, and you cannot stop them hurting if they don't ask you for help.

Once again, Tom Smith, you are right:
"It breaks when you don't force it
It breaks when you don't try
It breaks if you don't force it
It breaks if you don't try"

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27 October, 2010

Holiday Journal II

Monday - Day 4

After breakfast I got phone calls from two friends to sort out tickets for Tuesday's entertainment. I went to meet one to purchase the tickets. We were lucky we manged to secure tickets in the corporate area, which was quite nice, it's good to know people with connections.

As it was such a good day I thought it would be a good idea to finally take my car to be washed, weeks of parking outside the house under the tree had not done it any favours, and now as the trees have been pruned, it was the ideal time to get it looking shiny once again. Which it does, it looks almost new.

Quiet evening was on the cards. Sit back and just relax. Almost.

Got texts from different people that were quite upsetting. I spent the next couple hours exchanging texts. And phone calls. It's difficult, and strange, to try and help someone that you know but are not friends yet. It was very distressing, but I am convinced that somehow things will get better little by little, at least emotionally. I just wish I could more.

Tuesday - Day 5

And just like that more than half the holiday is gone. Really not going away does not feel like a proper holiday, but some rest was found.

A little bit of a boring day if I'm to be honest, spent the day trying to play the Football Manager demo and failing, my computer is simply too old. But oh well, I can still use it for typing etc.

Then to the evening's proceedings. Meet up with friends in the pub pre-game, got some drinks and food. Then on to the match, Leicester - West Brom for the Carling Cup. met some of our friends outside in the queue t oget in, talk about timing. The game itself was entertaining enough, at least the first half, second half it petered out, it wasn't a good day for Leicester in the end unfortunately.

But it was good to go to a live match. I do enjoy watching live football, the atmosphere is the key really. Not that it was that much of an atmosphere, but the away fans certainly made themselves heard, I was quite impressed.

I will never forget two games I went to see Benfica in: one in the old stadium, a pre-season game that was also the last game of Michel Preud'Homme one of our greatest ever goalkeepers and one of the best in the world at that time, not only that but Benfica's prodigal son Rui Costa was on the away team and he scored, he did not celebrate, he actually cried such was his devotion to Benfica, quite something. Then a few years ago, a set of circumstances that allowed me and my friends to go to a Champions League in the new Benfica stadium agains the giants of Manchester, United took the lead and everyone thought right that's it, but somehow I had a feeling the night wasn't over, and I was proven right as Benfica scored twice more to turn the game around incredible scenes in the stadium, the noise and the level of support too intense to put it into words, you just had to be there.

25 October, 2010

Holiday Journal

Day 1 - Friday

Woke up late, went out to buy breakfast.

Afternoon reserved for laser eye appointment, and I am suitable! Very expensive though... :(

Followed by random walk in town. Bought a book that I had been waiting for more than year, third in the trilogy. Ended up buying a silly computer game as well. Oh and cookies, from Millies Cookies, hmmm!

Evening, dinner and then playing of said silly game, which kept me very distracted until about 1am.

Day 2 - Saturday

Chat with housemates, happens rarely, was nice.

Went for a drive and get my hair cut.

On the way back met friends at supermarket, ended up going for a quick drink at the pub.

Later in the evening, went out for friends birthday. It was good to talk to people outside work, as invariably turns out that my friends are synonymous with my co-workers. We actually had quite cool and deep conversations, it was fun. They ended up dragging me to a club that is not my type (I think they were trying to get me drunk so that'd enjoy it) but left after about an hour or so.

Not content with my day, I got home and wrote/typed a drunken post on my blog. Apparently you tell the truth when you're drunk, perhaps, but then a lot of people do horrible things when they're drunk... Not that I am like most people mind!

Day 3 - Sunday

Woke up late and feeling a little bit rough.

Got up got some food and popped in to work to get my schedule (as I had no idea what shifts I was working after my holiday) and to see the birds.

The real kind, the birds, of the avian type! We were running a marketing promotion which involved a chap from a nature centre bringing in owls. Which you could hold and stroke. Beautiful animals, there was a tiny one a burrowing owl that looked like a minute falcon from America, a barn owl and a tawny owl. Their feathers were so soft! The kids were loving them, there was so much interest, good stuff.

Went to meet friends in the afternoon and watch the football in the pub.

Evening went to see a movie at the cinema with housemates.

Culminating with my latest post idea to write about what I did on my holiday. Four more days to go.

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24 October, 2010


 I was out today, it was fun, it was my friends birthday. Other friends came along. Good times, they took me out of my comfort zone, different place, different music, I won't deny I was reticent, but at the same time I was keen to go with the flow. And it was good, I was a little bit square, but eventually I did join in.

And then... I realized that J could be more than a friend/acquaintance. Can't say I'm in love or anything dramatic like that, but I certainly fancy her somewhat, I suppose it is natural when you get to see someone outside a restricted environment you only know them from.

Anyway, too complicated or whatever, too many what ifs, too many uncertainties, too many rocks that need not be turned.

And on the way home I was thinking of what could have been with her... wrong!

No, my thoughts turned inevitably towards somebody else entirely. Such is the way with a crazy mind such as mine. I was close to texting, I really was, but why? No, at this time especially, what, just no.

So the one that kept creeping up and made me think was that what hurt me the most, was not the divergent stories, the varying attitude and behaviour. None of that, all of it I could see past. In fact, I did for a while, against better judgment. I mean I should be getting over it right?

What made me not text, is the same reason that has kept me from communicating and I have tried so hard not to as well, because I just can't. And it is only today that I understood why. As they say in The Matrix you cannot see past the decisions you cannot understand. Well, I did today.

I understood that what's hurt me the most was see you going back to the crazy one. Worse still, seeing you with him, physically, I don't think I would have believed it otherwise. It doesn't matter any other circumstances events and etcs. But after all you've told me, everything that he did, supposedly... I remember accusing you of something and you told me all that he did to you, and that made me feel so bad for accusing you that I was sick to my stomach and was the first time in a long time I actually cried about/for somebody. So, how could you? Get back to him, HIM?? Regardless of whatever reasons, it's just bewildering.

All this to come to the conclusion that I may fancy someone, I may get close but it will be difficult to find somebody to love again. I have not looked for it, not really. As my friend advised me, "don't look for it, it'll just happen when you least expect it", he was certainly right there, but oh in what circumstances!

I will only stop loving you when I find someone else I may love again. It only took me seven years in between my last two so.... And even then, the feelings I had will never truly be gone, just as I still love A and L in the same way I did, it's just that time and distance wears away, and new love pushes the feelings further back in exchange for stronger ones for someone else.

Is it possible to love someone I fancy?
Is it possible to love someone I have known for some time?
Is it possible to grow love out of something else?
If you look at poetry and literature over the years you can grow to love someone, apparently.

But in my case, I have always known, straight away, with time only re-enforcing those first impressions. I means it's not supposed to be logic anyway right? But still, it would be nice to think that someone like J, or even G, are people that I may somehow actually develop some kind of meaningful relationship with.

It is possible?
Is it worth pursuing?
Is it within my power to make it happen?
Make someone fall in love with you?

Even if... I do it so I can just put you out of my mind...

14 October, 2010

Ups and downs

Interesting week it's been this one. Almost a reflection of my past year all in seven days, a week of complete contrasting days, like seasons and weather.

Can't remember Wednesday I think I was at work. Actually I remember a conversation with a friend/not a friend that lead to me saying a lot of things that I needed to get off my chest. I guess that's how I got to be in a really mood the next day.
Or maybe it was because I had a day off Thursday, even though I spent it taking care of work related stuff. But it was pretty cool working things out and coming up with a plan of action. Later in the day I got a phone call that potentially changes everything and that got me depressed. Found myself analysing things, life the universe and everything and I think I realised that what I thought I had been wanting to do for a while now I cannot, I'm not ready. Spoke about it with a friend/not a friend but did not reach any conclusions.
Friday morning pretty much started with all those thoughts whirling around but with no time to work them out. As it so often happens work gets in the way of life. I was so busy I did not have to think, about anything. Which in the end was probably a good thing because it stopped me from brooding. By the time I finished work it had been a good and productive and fairly satisfying day.
Saturday was strange, unusual start at work, had stuff to do from the word go and immediately got on with it. By the end of the shift things starting getting strange. In my head. I left feeling miserable, sad, maybe even a little bit depressed. I thought a change if scenery and some quiet would be a good idea so I went to stay at a friends place.
Mission achieved, rested a lot, enjoyed the quietness. Woke up late on Sunday. Was in no mood to brood, consider, decide. Soon got restless, so went back home. Got bored went to watch a film. Went back home still did not feel like being alone, so out of the house again, another movie. Sad again, on my own, the saddo that I am as my friend pointed out. Went home watched the two new episodes of House, really enjoyed it.
Monday funny day, longer than usual, have had better ends to a shift, and ended up staying an extra 2/3 hours. Not the nicest of days.
Determined to get things done on Tuesday went in full of energy at work. Got organised, set things in motion. Very busy day, another long day, stayed on two hours more again. A lot achieved but was disappointed with the lack of support and teamwork. Left to go home feeling dejected. Decided not to let it get to me. Got some beers to watch the football with. Ended up texting a friend/new friend in need of help and company which in turn kept me from being lonely and brooding on things.
Today was odd, but kinda good. Reconnected with friend/to become true friend work went ok finished on time for once.

So yeah, from happiness to confusion to active to depressed to largely meh and neutral to sad to neutral to glad, in the space of seven days or so.

Still worked nothing out. In terms of changes or what to change or figuring out what is wrong. I guess I kind of reckon that I'm not ready for a total big drastic change get up and leave sort of thing.

I thought I did, I really did. Now I'm not so sure. I look around and I see possibilities, people I can/am? friends with, a crazy job which challenges and frustrates me in equal measures (maybe not equal that's starting to be re evaluated), a place I enjoy living in if not necessarily the house. But then how much do I want to live on my own? Another one to figure out. I need time, to figure all this out.

I was supposed to have done that a couple of weeks when I was on holiday but I didn't realised how exhausted I had been because all I did was rest and recover.

Luckily I do have another week off coming up. A week of crazy business at work but then off. Seven whole days this time, not six.

Hmm. Day off tomorrow. What will it bring??

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08 October, 2010

One of those days

Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sux
You don't really know why
I feel like shit
My suggestion is to keep your distance cuz right now im dangerous
We've all felt like shit
And been treated like shit
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break somethin' tonight...
Give me somethin' to break


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07 October, 2010


'cause i'm an idiot, a loser,
a microphone abuser i analyze every second i exist beatin' up my mind
every second with my fist and everybody wanna run,

06 October, 2010


Don't know if that's the word, I was looking for something more along the lines of torn or undecided but I guess limbo is a word to generalise what my current life us at the moment.

Work - limbo.
Future - limbo.
Love life - limbo.

How come is it that I can make a decision and think it's the right thing to do because otherwise it'll just carry out hurting more and still not be happy with it?

Or by the same token, be really happy despite that decision and glad with some words only for seconds later to feel instantly sad a little bit morose.

Oh the curse of what could have been. The curse of wanting to move forward. The curse of being unable to.

Alas, for that strange little thing called love...

I'm sure it can be blessing but for me...

All it causes me is indecision.
Indelible internal scars.
Heart torn apart.

And for what? A thought? Desire? Pursuit of the impossible? Inescapable conflict is the result.

Yes, conflict. Of emotions. Thoughts and feelings battling each other for a space in the light that is far far away.

How to answer? How to act? How to... be?

Who knows...

Give me a sign.
No, don't give me a sign.

But, no. I cannot.

Can I?...

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05 October, 2010

So close

Moments arise perchance in your life that you can later identify as pivotal.

It may even be that on occasion you can be aware of these moments as they are happening to you.

I have had a few of these, and on a couple I was completely aware of their far reaching potential to be agents of change at their very time of being.

I have not had one of those moments today. But it was identifiably a near one.

It has been coming. For a few weeks, if not months and perhaps years. I have been most certainly aware of that feeling, in the background, that something is very wrong that somehow things should not be as they are.

It is a struggle, an inner battle, an unseen fight between the unconscious incoherent feeling of general wrongness and the trivial daily reality of the logical mind.

But on those moments it is as if the field has cleared, the spoils of war are laid bare and all is then clear.

No I did not have of those episodes, but I did have a glimpse of clarity. It did not last long enough to completely overtake me, albeit if a very strong nature. The impulse to act on it was great indeed, and my hand went towards the phone.

My vision clouded again, my will faltered and the impulse did not prevail. This time. I sense it though, the time is coming. Not this time though.

Close, for sure.

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New Day, New Dawn, New ...


All this life is such a fleeting moment in time
All but a moment of awareness in which we seemingly live outside time and space
All that there is ever left are minutes of you, imprinted in pictures and movies
All there can be are memories that live on on the mind of others that shared those moments with you

Carpe diem we're told
Seize the day
Chase your dreams
Live for the moment
How exactly are we supposed to do this?
Being completely reckless and irresponsible?
Enjoy your moments, for happiness is only ever found at spaces of time
But how to get those moments?
Does it involve a lot of alcohol?

Is satisfaction looking back and knowing that you have had more enjoyable times than boredom ones?

If the answer is no, what then?
What if it's too late?

Do you change the future to correct the past...?

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02 October, 2010

And so it is...

And so it is...

That I sit here on my own
by choice, by want, by complete apathy

That I have chosen to be alone
I laughed and I distracted myself

But so it is
It has come to this
Somehow somewhen in my mind

How when why
Have I become so sombre
Unsocial, boring and apathetic

Yet, in the midst of all the stupidity and loneliness and incoherence unexplainable I still managed a tiny glimpse of inspiration, however meagre and lacking on quality:

"Together in the abyss of boredom
We shall know no fear nor fear no doom
Together in mind and spirit
We shall live forever in the wings of eternity"

That was me. It came out of thin air, in conversation with a friend.

Which just reinforces the dichotomy of what it is to be me, a true oddball.

Yes, I am so odd... But that, for me, is a compliment!

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01 October, 2010


Sometimes things happen that make you look at life and people and stuff around you differently.

A change in perspective, a kick up the arse you could say, an ever so slight but fundamental shift in your mindset.

With me is caring about somebody else. Caring and thinking about someone else's wellbeing changes my outlook on things, my normal chain of thoughts even my feelings.

When I do, I don't have time to look or worry or feel sorry about myself. Yet that makes me happy, makes me feel alive.

And I'm a changed person then. Why, I wonder, have I not pursued it further. Looked into it, really seriously.

Maybe there's still time. Perhaps...

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