Why write this blog

My photo
It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

22 December, 2009

The world is upside down

People are strange, I'm sure that's the name of a song by The Doors. Old Jim Morrison knew what he was on about in the moments of lucidity he had amongst his drugs fueled life.

Indeed they are, people are strange. We do not do things that are logical or that make sense. We tend to make decisions based on emotions, which is not so bad if truth be told. Unfortunately, more often than not we are governed by negative emotions and negative experiences than positive ones.

We live ouf of fear, of the unwknown, of commitment, of change.

We let jealousy and anger and pride get in the way of our lives, often getting in the way of happiness.

We are conditioned by our past, in a way our past experiences has made us into who we are, but we tend to dwell on the past and that makes it difficult to live in the present let alone imagine a future.

Oh, we dream. And we hope. And we long.

But between what we want and desire and what we actually do and get can be a million miles of difference.

We break up with people we love out of pride. We quarrel over nothing. We don't get together with people we love or fancy or desire because we are scared or insecure or unsure.

Everyone has experienced these things in one form or another yet we do not change. True, it is difficult to get in a positive and open mindset, especially when all around you, you see other people commiting those same mistakes and going through the same dilemas.

It is our society that is wrong. It's the taboos and preconceptions and pre-judgments. We have come far as a species but there is a lot more growth to be go through.

Who I am to assume I know it all and know it better? Don't know, no one special, simply someone that observes the world with a different view. Someone who has looked deep inside and discovered that despite knowing all along that things are not quite right with the world and the majority of society we all have the power to change and effect change. It's that open mindset, that change in attitude, reinforcing positiveness.

I think. I guess.

The world is upside down. Some people are together that should never be together. People seek refuge in what they know if that is the wrong thing or the wrong person. People are alone that should not be alone.

Maybe we are in a Matrix, in a dreamworld, and the reality is out there somewhere else.

Or maybe we just need to be more open, more forgiving, more tolerant, more confident, more trustworthy.

14 December, 2009

The Last Week

Little have I written this past week. And the little I have down were in the form of emails to a couple of distant friends.

There are several reasons for this. Some positive ones and others maybe not so positive.

Given my new found sense of self and desire to find and express my real me I have been trying real hard to banish negative thoughts and have a more general positive attitude to life.

As a consequence I have been more social, more open and more relaxed. I would venture to say even happier. I have gone out where previously I would have stayed at home and that has been very good. I love spending time with people and making friends or strengthening friendships. I have enjoyed the time I have spent in easy bonomie with good people.This has left me less time than I would normally have sitting on my own at home.

These are all good reasons. I have also got a new phone, with internet, where I can check my emails online, read other blogs etc which means I am at my computer less and less. Also a good thing probably, I'm not sure.

I also have had nothing much to write about if I'm to be truthful. Anguish and despair and loneliness will always lend themselves to a more propitious state of mind for writing and creativity. Especially in my case where I have used writing, in the last few months, as a way of exorcising demons and working things out. Once these "things", ideas and emotions and frustrations change and start to make sense the need for writing becomes, not necessarily less, but more subdued and less urgent.

On the negative side, the only real negative reason is that the one thing I would like to write about, and indeed, still have something to say, I cannot do so freely. And that is annoying and a little frustrating but it does not occupy my mind all that much. All I can say is that there is a strange situation arising, where I am feeling happier with a more jovial attitude and healthier outlook on life following my holiday, elsewhere the opposite seems to be happening. And whilst I am not supposed to be the recipient of any friendliness I find myself, unwittingly, being the receptacle for the result of those emotions and feelings and anxiety states.

I do apologise if it sounds cryptic but I really cannot elaborate. I mean, I could, it probably doesn't matter anymore as no one will be reading that will care, but I will continue to be circumspect nonetheless out of respect and because I gave my word.

So yes, I have been writing infrequently. But maybe in the long run the posts will carry more meaning and quality. I still desire to carry on writing, and it still interests me that other people from random places of the world read it, mostly by accident, and I enjoy reading other people's blogs. It is an extra way of communicating, and we all need to communicate, and I enjoy it, I feel like a sense of responsibility to carry on now that I have started it.

On a final note, life really is a funny old thing (there's that word again thing! I'll write a post about it sometime soon). I find myself going through this process of self-improvement and change following weeks of self-awareness, analysis and with a little help from friends. But all around me, sadly, I am seeing the opposite. Relationships breaking down, family ties unraveling, personal lives thrown into chaos and uncertainty. It makes me a little upset and also a little guilty. Like I cannot fully express this new found energy and spirit because people I care about are unable to share it with me. And here's the irony, all I can do is to be the self I have been in the last few years, quiet and understanding and in the background.

I don't want to be in the background any longer. Luckily though, there are other people, and other friends, and it is with them I have been attempting to realise myself. But, somehow, it feels a little hollow at times.

If only we could all see and truly understand the fickleness of life we would all live it much more profoundly.

07 December, 2009

A night alone


Tonight is the night after.
The day after my relapse.
Yesterday I relapsed into despair.
I'm not sure how it happened. All I know is that I felt the anger, the frustration and the hurt again. It was a flood of feelings I wasn't expecting. I thought I would cry, mentally and consciously I wanted to cry. Unlike the feelings however the tears did not come.
I was surprised as it had been such a good day, much like today. Sunny day spent in a quiet and beautiful beach. I was even happy that Benfica had won. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it had been one of the happiest days I'd had in a few weeks.
Maybe that's why. Happiness and sadness feelings originate in the same areas of the brain. Maybe it was my unconscious trying to tell me something, reminding me that maybe I shouldn't be all that happy when so much hurt and doubt is still inside. Writing it down like this somehow makes it sound wrong. But I did feel bad, I kept reliving those moments over and over again. I blamed it on the beers, the alcohol making me vulnerable and sad. But I have drunk just as much today if not more and I'm not the same at all.
Speaking to Manuela today helped, of course it did. It made me realise...what? I don't even know... that I need to move on? That I should stop doubting? That it is all normal after all? All of them really.
So today is the day after.
The last day I'll be on my own for a while. And I should use it to write, if that really is what I love, and what I use as an escape. Drinking as fun as it is does not do it for me. TV bores me. Reading, I love, always will, but it only distracts me, it does not resolve anything. Talking, yes, talking helps. Talking to someone that encourages and reassures you helps a lot. I have gained a new friend. And I have always needed my friends. And I always will, without a shadow of a doubt. But I also need to work it out for myself. Writing down my thoughts makes it all so much more permanent and in a way real. 
Looking and thinking back, I remember that in fact I have always resorted to writing down what my feelings were when I was in turmoil. At least during the majority of my adult life in the last few years I have been "divorced" from writing, what does that say? That I had given up? That I had no feelings? No inner turmoil?
But at the end of the day it is feelings of turmoil and the whole range of other feelings that makes us feel alive in a way. I have denied myself over these last few years. Really, I have been. Ever since returning to Portugal back in 2002, I have denied myself. Funnily enough, 2/3 of my worst ever years have been during that seven year period. Not that all was roses before them but at least I was still trying to find a way rather than just accepting it. 
That's not entirely true though. The difference is that I have accepted the circumstances and I stopped dreaming and stopped hoping. That has been the difference over the last seven years.
I was trying to think back at the last time I was really positive and confident and that was when I was still at uni, between my first and second year especially. That Summer of 1998, has it really been 11 years ago? I dared to hope then, not only that, I was convinced that things in life would be very good. Last year for example, was so anonymous that i can't even recall even if I have been back to Portugal or not.
I think falling in love now has kind of reawaken me and made me re-evaluate things. Re-evaluate my life. And now, even more so. With my dad opening up and with Manuela encouraging me to change things around with my mum over here, which of course, changes my financial situation , and that will undoubtedly have an effect on how I can conduct my life. On top of all the other resolutions I had already made regardless. Manuela can be the, not spring, but the person that pushes me as I've never been pushed. And I do need that push, I always have. It is one of my failings, complacency.
So really, things will change. I have already started to change a few. I don't care about TV all that much anymore. Or computer games. I'm enjoying the running and the exercise, I must keep that up, I can't let my frustration let me drag down into the same old routine of life of the past four/five years.
I have also decided to be more social. Spend time with people. This where the financial side of things will come into play. Going out with people. Going to concerts and festivals and parties. And as Manuela says, dress better and look better. Of course people look at that, how can you not? It's how you make first impressions. Even if I'm genuine and deep and meaningful I'll still need to cause a good first impression to be able to show people what I'm like at that more personal level and show myself and get people to know who I really am. 
Of course, by then I will need to know who the real Me is! I don't think I'm too far from that though, I'm too self-analytical and self-critical not to know that already. But, to be fair, is getting to a stage where I can share that inner me with other people in the first place. It's that confidence and those opportunities that I do not have and that I will need to show.
Those are the changes.
Change starts inside, I have always said it, I just have to, not only believe it, but act on it!

04 December, 2009

An image of God

Even though I am an atheist I thought this description of God by Umberto Eco in his book Bauolino too good to pass up:

"God is lamp without flame, a flame without fire, a fire without heat, a dark light, a silent rumble, a blind flash, a luminous soot, a ray of his own darkness, a circle that expands concentrating on its own center, a solitary multiplicity, he is a space that is not, in which you and I are the same thing, as we are today in this time that doesn't flow".

Beautiful, I could be converted to this God, and I suspect maybe even Richard Dawkins!!

02 December, 2009

Me Time


I was going to title it Algarve or Portugal or Home but in fact today it was about Me. Me enjoying myself and enjoying the day.

A glorious day it was at that as well, it started with the most beautiful light, the Sun was shining in a clear blue sky. Lying in the beach looking at the Sun's rays reflected in the sea among the sound of waves reminded me of how great life can be.

Follow that up with some great Portuguese traditional food in the form of grilled sardines and bifanas (sandwich of grilled pork cutlets) eaten in a restaurant by the sea, the background of Praia da Rocha...

All in all, a good day.



Am I allowed to re-start?
Can I find myself?

A new self, that can be expressed through actions and aattitude and behaviour, fully, rather than just partially as I have so far.

A self that shares himself through his actions and behaviour and attitude his inner beliefs and feelings, with everyone, something that only a select a few have experienced, I have thus far reserved that me to my innermost circle of trusted friends.

Can I translate my inner person and self into an extrovert and confident individual?

All I've ever wanted was to feel not only the love of someone but also someone that can push and support me positively and pro-actively, if there is one thing I know I am guilty of is of a certain amount of jadedness and apathy...

30 November, 2009


Here starts a transcription of my very short diary that I wrote when I was on holiday in the Algarve, a few weeks back.

I decided to start on day 3, because it is the day that most closely resembles my mood today. I have not been like this for a while, distance has certainly helped in way, but then I have been reading certain past messages and conversations today so...

Anyways, here it is. I promise the other days are altogether more revealing and positive.



It was a good day. I should feel great. I did, actually. The majority of it, I did. It was a beautifully sunny and warm November day. I loved the beach today. The sound of the waves, the seagulls crying above and flying low near the sea. The water wasn't cold, I enjoyed going for a swim. I forgotten how nice it was to just float in the ocean. On top of that, I was really looking forward to watching the football tonight, Benfica playing Naval, it was a frustrating but ultimately succesful game for Benfica and I was very pleased.

Yet... When I came home, I remembered.

I recalled that I am heartbroken, that's the truth. It's been good, the last few days. I haven't even thought about it or her for at least 2 days. But I did today, and it still hurts.

I want to cry but the tears will not come. I shout: "It's not fair", literally.I drink. It does not help. It cannot be helped...

Maybe sleep might...

23 November, 2009

Does time and distance really heal?

So, I've been on holiday. I've been away for two weeks. I've had other things to worry about. Other things to resolve.

Does it mean that it has all gone away? All those feelings of frustration and pain and emptiness? They are not completely gone, but they have certainly abated. I certainly do not think about it night and day any longer, I can function and take my life further and onwards. I do not go to bed thinking about it nor do wake up with that on my mind.

Does that mean that I am healed already? Or is it just the distance that makes it seem that way?

These two weeks have been intriguing. I have met someone that has forced me to share a lot of things that I have only written about. I was forced to think a lot about myself and my life and how much control I want to have over it and myself. And it all boils down to how much I want to reveal of myself to everyone out there and how much I want to be me, fully. I was made to look at myself in a completely different light. I have been given that push that I have always known deep inside I needed to be given.

Not only a push but a wake up call as well. I have been too complacent and passive about a lot of things in my life. A lot of it I have already been realising myself anyway, hence the changes I had decided to impose upon myself. This was just a reinforcing of that feeling, a stripping down sort to speak. In a way I think it has made me stronger as a person.

I think it is that more than time and distance that has allowed me mind to free itself somewhat from that spiral of despair and emptiness.

Does that mean that I am fully recovered? That I am perfectly fine?

I don't really know. All I know is that I have to be. I cannot be hiding around, crying in the corners, just gotta take it on the chin and move on.

They're still there, the feelings. I can't just switch them off, it doesn't work that way. But I'm not consumed by them anymore.

So, maybe time can heal. And distance. I'm not sure. But they surely help. Distance is not a factor that will remain in the equation, so it is to time that I must deposit my hopes.

And myself. Relying on myself to recover and get over it and move on. To believe that I can do that, to awaken that inner force. It is that that has changed. And hopefully, it will be that, my inner force and belief that will heal the scars.

As someone wise once told me, "the scars are on the inside". So it is from within that they must be healed.

21 November, 2009


"Escrever é ter a companhia do outro de nós que escreve."
Vergílio Ferreira

English Translation:
"To write is to have the company of that other us that writes."


Back at work, back home, and back to my life. I feel a semblance of control on the horizon, even if it'll only be an illusionary control, but what is life if but an illusion that you are in charge of your own destiny...?
More writing shall be forthcoming, I have been too tired and exhausted to string any sort of sentence together the last couple of days although there's plenty to talk about.
Good and bad, good and bad. As always, that's life. It seems somehow the balance may be tipping towards the good, so... things can only get better hey?
More writing to come, maybe tomorrow, maybe Sunday. It'll come to me when I'll need it to.
At the moment though, it seems that I am Back, back Living again. 
It's been a while I guess...

04 November, 2009


I have had the unexpected chance to go holiday this weekend. It'll be great to see old faces again, friends and family.

It may be that I'll be able to write a couple of posts, but certainly not daily.

At least, hopefully, I'll have more optimistic stuff to write about though!!

03 November, 2009

Slipping back

I feel myself slipping back.
Into neutral mode.
Nothing makes sense again.
I feel like there is no direction.

Which of course it's rubbish. Nothing has changed. Nothing but me that is.

And so I slip back.
Into a state of lethargy.
I feel as if I am in a mental stupor.
Walking with nowhere to go.

Aimlessly. Is this what repressed feelings do to you? How far and how deep do the scars go? How will the healing begin?

I cannot say I don't feel.
I do.
A sort of sadness, a despondency towards life.
Frustration and confusion.
The main words in my mind are most definitely bullshit and why and how.

But I cannot talk about the present. I'm not allowed.
And so I talked about the past.
And I shall write about the past.
In the hope that the past will not come back to censor me.

As someone said, writing the truth about has happened to you is the road to recovery and healing. Since the present is forbidden, I must work through the demons of the past.

The demons of the past do not haunt me as the ones in the present do.
They are not life affecting.
They do not drag me down.
Yet, they are still there.
Hidden, waiting for exposure.

Maybe, it is time to bring them out and cast them forever to the void.

01 November, 2009

Love at first sight

I will never forget the day I fell in love at first sight. It was possibly the first time I really fell in love as well.

She walked through the door. I was busy cleaning tables and setting up for lunch hour. It was the Summer holidays and I was back in Portugal after my first year away at university in England. I needed a job, and I was lucky that a lot of my friends had been working at the pizza place we used to go so often when we were growing up into young adults, 17, 18, 19. I also knew the boss pretty well, he was a fairly young man, ex-footballer and maintained a good relationship with people. We always referred to him as the Boss, it was like a nickname, friendly enough but not familial.

I was working from 11 till 3, or until there were people still left in the restaurant, and then back at 6 until 10.30 or 11 at night.

It was early in the day, when she walked in. Her name was Anabela and she was due to start work soon. As soon as I saw her I knew I loved that girl. She was pretty beyond comparison, incredibly well-mannered and had something about her that resonated with me.

That image has stayed with me as if it had happened yesterday.

I was working the tables, sometimes behind the bar but only when we required cover, I was mainly waiting tables. She was working in the kitchen. We talked often throughout the night and the shifts when I went to get the food. There was a partition where the food was passed over to be taken to the customers. You could see the kitchen and what people where up to. Anabela was new, so she mainly washed up and passed the food over.

We immediately got on really well. She used to laugh at my silliness, she had the most incredible smile. At lunch break we used to go to a coffee shop for an espresso. Sometimes on our own, sometimes with other friends. That's a regular thing to do in Portugal, a social thing going to a cafe shop. We went to Trigo Limpo, then a fairly new place, or to Centro Comercial Parque, because it was close. We talked about everything and anything. She was smart, intelligent there was never a hint of shallowness, I always loved that in her. I remember going to the public library as well once, and talking about Princess Diana, and arguing the point that one person can make a difference, somebody like Princess Diana simply by raising awareness with her charisma did a lot of good, she didn't have to do it, she could have chosen different public functions other than going to hospitals for people that had their lives affected by the leftovers of war. I could always hold a conversation with Bela.

I think she liked me. At least a little bit. Don't know if it was because I was studying in England and that made me appealing and different. Don't know if it was because I was quite enthusiastic and quite optimistic in those days. Maybe it was just me.

But it was never to be. I confessed my love for her, I also will never forget that moment, we had just finished our shift, and we were sitting in a bench in the plaza outside the pizzaria. She revealed to me that in actual fact she had a boyfriend, even though they didn't get on well and she was thinking of breaking up with him. And of course, I was about to leave for England pretty soon. This kind of situation kinda set the tone for impossible relationships in my life from then on.

Our birthdays were very close together. In fact, all of our friends birthdays are incredibly close together, so we decided to have one big party. We arranged a dinner at the pizzaria, oh I have mentioned that the food there was delicious as well? Funnily enough, my mon came as well, for whatever reason. After it, she knew straight away that I loved Anabela, I never until then realised how perceptive my mum was.

My friends gave me a Benfica shirt, I was really touched. I cried that night, I was to leave for England a few days later, my emotions got the better of me. I felt so right there, and thinking I had to leave and leave all my friends behind and the girl I loved...

But anyways, I remember giving Anabela flowers and promising her we would be Friends Forever. We traded addresses and for the whole of my second year we corresponded by letter. I always looked forward to her letters. I saw her again briefly went I went back for the holidays. Don't remember very well what happened at the end of year 2, can't recall if that was the year when I decided to pursue it further once again, but she told me she did not feel the same for me.

I remember thinking that fair enough, there was nothing to be done, but always had an inkling that she really did not want to have the commitment of a long-distance relationship which I can fully appreciate.

My parents split up during my third year at uni. It meant that I did not actually return to Portugal for more than a year. At some point, for some reason, the letters stopped. She was in her final year at uni I think, she probably did not have the time.

I do recall afterwards, when I was already working at the cinema, sending her a message over the internet maybe, or perhaps it was a letter, can't remember now, with some particularly, not nasty but unfriendly words. And I think it effectively terminated our friendship. I have never forgiven myself for it. Especially after I had promised her we would be always be friends.

A couple of years ago, we tried to re-connect, but it was never the same, it was too late and I am too far away. That beautiful girl become a beautiful woman, but what I rue the most is that I lost a friend, a lovely and intelligent person, because of my frustration and arrogance at the time.

I decided never to let that happen again. In fact, I tried my hardest. Somehow, it has happened again. This time, CENSORED.

Hopefully I will have learnt from it enough this time around.

29 October, 2009

It's back

The blog is back, and I'm back writing it.

I was forced to do things, but I have done them willingfully, regardless of me liking it or not.

I suppose one should never forget that the internet really is a public domain... It kinda reminds me of a post Librarygirl wrote about fame and having other bloggers (famous ones, like Kim) visiting her blog. Of course, in my case things are never that easy or nice, it always has to be complicated...

So I have just finished a process of auto censoring my blog. I hope it is enough. I really do.

I wouldn't want to change the address again and re-start it all over again. Especially now that I have a few people following it. Of course, I started it for very personal reasons, and I still write it for myself, but it is nice, I'll admit, to have other people writing my stuff and their comments are really helpful. I feel a strange connection for other bloggers that have felt the same desire/need/compulsion to write a blog. It's like a bond of a sort.

Thank you all for following me. Thank you very much for reading. And a great big thank you for all your comments, they have been immensely appreciated.

25 October, 2009

Acquainted with my solitude

I have decided that I need to embrace my solitude. It is part of who I am, whether I like it, want it or not.

Being alone is a great part of my life. And as seemingly that does not look like changing in the foreseeable future I shall have to recognise and accept it as part of myself.

As such, I can have no longer have any no qualms about doing stuff on my own. I have always tried to cover up that fact, either by staying in or waiting to be invited by somebody else. But what's the point? After all, I tell myself that I don't care what other people think, so why do I? Secretly? But no more.

What have I done about it? I have been sad. I have gone to the pub on my own. That, in my circle of friends, existence, society, whatever, is being a little bit sad. This "sad" has obvious negative connotations, but the reality is that I am sad. In general, I am quite sad, not because my life is one big tragedy but because my dissatisfaction is my own. My problems matter to me greatly, although in the great scheme of things, life the universe and everything they may be quite puny.

That said, I do believe that loneliness does strike anyone alive as one of life's great afflictions.

Luckily, I do have good friends. I do have people to keep me company. I do have the ability, seemingly, to reconnect and renew friendships. Which is fantastic, and let's be honest, it is what keeps me going. But...

Friends are very well and good, well, great in fact, relationships come and go and friendships stay, for years. However... it's not the same is it? Having that connection with somebody else where they become the centre of your world, where you can express your love in a way that you can't with friends, whether it be in the form of intimate affection, sex or whatever.

That unique connection of two people, the sharing of feelings, the uniqueness of true love, all of this cannot be explained in mere words, nor, unfortunately can it be chosen, it just happens.

When it does, it is all it matters. That connection is so strong that you are dealing to die for that person.

Well, at least that is what I believe in... Does that make me a hopeless romantic believing in an impossible utopia?

Am I strong enough?


Am I strong enough to let the emptiness wash over me like some vast eclipse of the sun...
Am I strong enough to pretend that everything was ok like the chameleon changes its pigmentation when he needs it....
Am I strong enough to stop the pain and hurt to turn into anger as if I was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...
Am I? Strong enough?

To be myself despite the hurt
To live even though I am empty
To carry on as if nothing happened
To stop the person I am perfecting at work becoming myself

Am I strong enough to resist listening to my rational self?
Am I strong enough to stop my feelings getting in the way of recovery?
Am I strong enough to accept?

Accept that I will be alone for many a time to come?
That I will forever be the eternal friend?
Accept that I will never meet anyone that likes me for who I am?

Am I? Strong enough?

Time will tell, as it usually does...

23 October, 2009

The End?

So, I got what I wanted. I was told the reason for the indifference. CENSORED  Whatever


What can you say when anything that you say or do always seem to be taken completely out of context, or distorted, or misinterpreted?


If I get nothing, I can give nothing in return, surely. CENSORED . It makes me sad.

I did not want that. I wanted to take Sang's advice and retain the friendship. I really did, because I do care. And I rather have that connection than nothing. But it's got to be two way does it not? How can it work otherwise? Is that just me being too demanding? Unrealistic?

I have just met up with a friend from university a couple of days ago. (a bright day in the dark of the last few) We hadn't spoken to each other in a few years. We hadn't met up for about 7/8 years. Not on purpose, just life took its course. He was in the area and we me up, and it was like we saw each other every day. It was great seeing him again. We've arranged to meet up again, he invited me to visit him. There's a friendship renewed. So I know I am capable of having friends, and real sincere friendships, with varied and different people, all over the world.

So in that respect at least I know I am right, apart from death it is one of the things I am most certain of in my life.



It's sad. It could be the end.


It's funny how you can always seem to relate to music. Even songs that you knew inside out seem to take on a new meaning and you can relate to them in a whole brand new way.

Music really is an art form, it touches you deeply and connects to your emotions in unexpected ways. Whilst not my favourite and usual music, I really enjoy just instrumental music, no words, no lyrics, no agenda, just chords and sounds vibrating through your body and tuning in to your soul.

The problem with instrumental music only is that it's all fine and good when you are well, but when you are looking for meaning, understanding and solace there are songs and lyrics that can really uplift you, or at least make you feel less lonely.

Even if they are only short and cheesy like the "frown song"...


That's kind of how I feel. CENSORED  Is that me just being mean? Is that me just being selfish and dramatising problems that probably exist only in my mind and in my heart?

I don't get this indifference. I rather be shouted at and know what somebody feels towards me than indifference. Maybe it's because I'm portuguese, and have latin blood, and we have our emotions too close to the surface so we kind of need to see that in other people. Obviously not everyone, but at least the people we care about.

CENSORED I don't know... I really just don't know... I hate not knowing! That's the worst, I always have had this unquenchable thirst for finding things out and understanding and analysing, not knowing for me is confusing and painful and furstrating.


CENSORED What have I done apart from revealing myself? CENSORED Showing myself? Am I ugly? Repellent?

Sharing really is a delicate business, you expose yourself to somebody else, and hope and trust they will not hurt you. When they do...

21 October, 2009


Not content with feeling sad and dejected and jealous, I still come home, CENSORED , to check if I got messages.

It's pathetic. I am, officially, an idiot. Unbelievable. All the words I can think of right now are swear words... ffs!

20 October, 2009


This is ridiculous! How did I get to this?! CENSORED 


I feel angry and dejected. Yet I shouldn't!! At all. How has it come to this? CENSORED 

I know, I know. Friends expect nothing, judge not and are always there. I know because I believe in it, I preach it! CENSORED 


CENSORED And I don't understand why. It makes me sad. No, that's not the exact word. Maybe disappointed, and confused. Again. I seem to be using that word a lot lately.

I used to be very good at seeing things, now I see nothing. Feelings do really get in the way of a clear mind....


Well, it's been over a week actually. An eventful week though. CENSORED . I break my head open, literally, I had to get stitches!

CENSORED  That it won't change anything for me. That it is now time to move on. CENSORED 


It's not easy reading it, but if I don't I'm afraid to think it was all a dream and that I imagined it all.

If I was confused before, I think I'm even worse now. CENSORED 


CENSORED  I force myself to read that notepad doc often to make sure I remember. That's what I called the document, Remember. It's complicated.

And so a week has passed. Yet I am still sad. CENSORED  Being rejected has not changed any of that. It's complicated.

Wouldn't it be good if there was a switch that you can just use so as not to hurt any more?
Wouldn't it be good if we could choose the ones we love, rather than wait for it to happen?

CENSORED  can one not grow to love someone? CENSORED 


19 October, 2009


A funny thing happened to me two nights ago.

Somebody added me as a friend on facebook. I didn't know who the person was, but I recognised the name, I'm sure I had seen it somewhere. And indeed I had.

It turns out that it was the friend of one my readers, someone I respect very much. A few moments and a message later and we were chatting via facebook. It was very surreal to have struck a friendship and indeed be talking to someone that had only read a few of my posts I had written elsewhere and that was actually a friend of a fellow blogger, one that I respect very much.

It struck me how small this little planet of ours can be. This internet really can bring people together, and I truly feel like I'm a part of this thing that I have heard bandied about, called the "blogosphere". There are only a few blogs I follow, and already I can identify a handful of people, it's like a little community. I'm sure I'll follow a lot more eventually, I mean, I've only started paying attention to blogs a couple of  months ago when I started my own.

Incidentally, and independently of the blog, I have also become friends with somebody very far away. In Ukraine of all places. We are just getting to know each other.

It amazes me that we have this ability to share and be so close with someone so far away. Of course there has always been letters and the internet has been around for a number of years, but it is only now I am starting to see the full implication of it. I think it is the immediacy of it that has surprised me.

Funny world that we live in...

17 October, 2009


It is astonishing that we can go through such an array of different and conflicting emotions in a short period of time, yet we are still able to function. We can still write, eat, wash the dishes and work.
Whilst inside the feelings rage and fight against one another, with your conscious mind trying to quiet the inner struggle.
We really are amazing but complex creatures. This brain of ours that differentiates us from all other life on the planet really is very complicated. Yet it still allows us to live to work through our problems. No one's problems are the same (they may be similar, but they all stem from different circumstances and experiences) but your own are the most important ones. Oh there may be wars and hunger and people dying horribly which of course it is the utmost horrific expression of suffering. But for us, our problems are the worst, yet we feel guilty for this, because of those other people that have had it so much harder than us. But does that makes our problems go away? Does that makes not cry? Does that stop us from feeling? And hurting?
It really doesn't. We just have to be open-minded and non-judgmental about other peoples (friends and relatives) problems and their own demons because for them, as it is for us, they are the biggest thing in the world.
That comprehension and compassion is unfortunately so sorely lacking in this modern world of ours. But, as we evolved in the past, maybe we will evolve some day to a stage where everyone is willing to listen to others and has no desire to cause hurt.

16 October, 2009


And ...

emptiness again. CENSORED  Don't know what to think. Don't know what to do. Don't even know what to feel anymore... I feel like a confused 13 year old girl!! (I imagine, that is)
Each day comes, with its hours and moments.
I fill every minute with activity to stop me thinking.
In the hope that lack of thought will lead to lack of feeling.
So, I while away the time.
But there's nothing there, not really, despite all appearances, it's just a shell.
I've never needed a shell before, why do I now?!
The sun fades and the day is ending...
I'm empty and sad, just a little bit...



Day 2
I was very good. I was determined not to let it affect me.
CENSORED made me stronger and made me fall in love with writing again. I got home and I went running, I felt pleased with myself. That I was able to view it all positively. I was tired, sleep came easily.

CENSORED . I was friendly and "normal" (I hate that word so much, almost as much as "nice"!).

CENSORED The despair, the frustration, the longing. CENSORED  have I really become such a good liar and pretender? Me? That hates lies and deception and dishonesty? Or am I just lying and deceiving myself of late?

Day 3
I stayed at a friends. I feel as if a true friendship is beginning. I value and truly cherish my friends very highly indeed, and it made me happy to feel so welcomed and in the knowledge that these people will probably become part of my very small closed circle of real friends. It is the one true blessing I have in my live.

I went home, I was almost happy I think. It was a new day, I didn't have a hangover, I felt I could cope again, that having new friends will lend something extra to my life. I was watching telly, I was enjoying a great episode of Chuck. I jumped. I banged my head hard in the ceiling partition between the lounge and the kitchen. Split my head open, there was a lot of blood. Had to go hospital, luckily I didn't pass out, I was all alone in the house. Only me, I always do stupid things like that. Even unconsciously I do not allow myself even a few moments of happiness...

I came back home. CENSORED

CENSORED As Sang once told me, the broken are looking for something in men like that that I will never fully comprehend or have. Not that I desire to, but it seems quite unfair on the whole that they can attract beautiful people like that CENSORED

Yet the fact remains. CENSORED 

Day 4


12 October, 2009


I think I dealt with my first day pretty well. I think this whole situation recently has made me concentrate more at work, which in turn means I have been very productive, which strangely, in turn makes me feel better about myself. Funny how things turn out.

I didn't cry.
I didn't loose sleep.

I suppose, in a way, I am much more used to rejection from the opposite sex than acceptance, so for me is perhaps easier to deal with it. Also, I am quite pragmatic. Once something has no solution, and there is only one direction it is easy to follow it. There's absolutely nothing I can do to change someone's feelings, so I just have to carry on and move on.

I thought it would be harder, I have had to talk to myself a couple of times during the day and tell me to not lose it, but all in all I think I did pretty well.

The other decisions I have made about my life were already thought out before CENSORED , so that really has changed nothing, which is a more positive and confident outlook, on life and on myself.

The future will tell. CENSORED in a way making me stronger, and making me fall in love in writing once again. Maybe I will decide to write that novel I have had at the back of my mind for years!

11 October, 2009


And so, it has come. Three simple sentences was all it took. CENSORED 

But it'll be difficult from now on. More than ever...

It is and it will be a new kind of anguish. And despair. A complete lack of direction. A knife wound that I'm not sure I'll fully understand how deep until many months from now...


I have said a lot already, at least I think I have!

Yet there is so much more still so say and be said... I am torn between my conviction and my faltering.

CENSORED How can your rational mind overcome your feelings and emotions? To what extent is that even possible?

It scares me to move on. CENSORED  My rational mind says yes, in the long-term it'll be better. But who jumps into the fire? Because you know you are going to get burned...

And I still don't know for sure. CENSORED


Will my words change anything? CENSORED Could the truth be strong enough...?

So much more to say. CENSORED 

Can the truth outweigh it all? Truth and love??...

The Company we keep

The company of friends is invaluable. More than anything it is your friends that will help you without trying simply by being there. Their company and their presence and their conversation can make you forget all the troubles in the world.

I remember a few years ago, when I used to write letters to people, new people I met on this new thing called the internet, I remember somebody telling me that I spoke a lot about my friends, and I replied that your friends define who you are.

Because more than anyone else, more than your family, they have chosen you and you have chosen them, and you have this great relationship wihere there are no rules, no judgement and no recrimination. Some of my best friends are unfortunately a very long away, yet when we are together it is as if we were together every day.

I am lucky, real lucky, in that respect, in that I have a handful of people in which I trust irrevocably. Which I can call at 3am if I need to, not that I ever have, or would on purpose, but I know I could. Perhaps even more lucky, I think I may be finding new real friends as well, they aren't right now, because True Friendship is a process, a sharing of experiences, consciousness and ideas. They are interchangeable and whichever you start on those 3 premises the other two will eventually follow.

I was kept busy this weekend, it was fantastic. The company of intelligent people with whom you can sit down and enjoy a drink and can actually talk about the most diverse things is something truly precious. Moreover, they are helping me get out of my fat arse and do some sports!! Which can only be good. In addition, they also kept my mind busy, and kept me from dwelling and wondering about things which escape my control, as for example, the mind and feelings of a certain loved one...

But, it is still there...

08 October, 2009


And so it is that today despite previous days resolutions I am faltering.


Is it because I have nothing to look forward to now?

Can I resist and stick with my resolutions?
Can I let my brain overrule my feelings?
Can I switch off thoughts and feelings that easily?

How can I switch off feelings?

Does it have to be so difficult?
Does it have to be so painful?
Does it have to be so numbing?


Oh, were it no so difficult!!

I wrote on my facebook page yesterday and indeed the blog that I rather not be in the limbo. But that is too much like accepting that I am not loved, and that trully and seriously hurts... It's all about the big picture and the long-term my brain tells me, but... fuck it's hard!!

07 October, 2009

Moving on & Acceptance

CENSORED. I decided that I am not cut out for waiting. I cannot live my life waiting CENSORED If I can cut off family I can cut off someone I love, or think I love, if not from my emotions altogether at least from my everyday activities and thoughts. After long enough time, it probably won't matter.

But I cannot sit idly waiting for hurt to come to me. So I will move on. A few weeks, maybe days only, ago I didn't want to believe in it and I was content to sit in the shadows and wait. That's not me however. I may be passive at times, even apathetic at times but in that respect. If I think I love someone I will do something about it. Is that because of my romantic view of what a relationship should be like? Of what a man should do for the woman he loves? It doesn't matter, because it is what I believe in. And act I always will.

What I don't believe in is in staying on the side waiting for tidbits of affection and attention. No, that is not good, and it is driving me insane. I rather go through the anguish and the reality of non-corresponded love than the limbo of waiting. CENSORED

CENSORED  But I don't think I can. CENSORED  or should I just forget, suffer and move on to avoid a more profound and longer suffering?

One of these days it will come to a head. But I shall, resolutely, not be anxious about receiving even the slightest bit of attention, that is not living...


This post was going to be called "Can I wait?" because of my increasing frustration at this insane situation of having to wait for something to happen to give me a chance of being with someone I love.

But whilst I was deciding what to write exactly, and why in my mind I was beginning to feel pathetic at feeling frustrated for not having the same contact I experienced for a few weeks, which basically means I'm in a constant limbo waiting to get hurt at every possible opportunity when a word or a text or a look is not forthcoming, and understanding that this waiting business is probably not for me, I was reading other blogs.

And through Kim Ayres Ramblings of a Bearded One, I was reading Sang Lee's excellent blog Yellow Son. In his post Broken he says at one stage:
"So what do we do when we meet the broken? How do we help them collect the pieces, without getting our own mixed up in the process?
Maybe that’s the idea. Healing is messy a process after all – it always leaves a scar. Maybe we’re supposed to trade the pieces; fill in each others’ missing parts."
Which I thought was beautifully written and I decided at that moment that I was going to follow his blog and decided to leave a comment. All perfectly natural here so far.

But when I read the other comments I had an epiphany moment.

Kim had posted a very insightful comment, for me that is, with his experience and hindsight he has finally made me understand the missing piece of the jigsaw. Probably of my life's jigsaw. He said a very simple thing:
"I remember in school I had all these female friends who would tell me about their bastard boyfriends who treated them like shit. But I couldn’t convince them to go out with me, who would treat them well. I didn’t understand.
This is where I wish I could go back and talk to my teenage self, and say – it’s confidence that’s attractive – more attractive than anything else.
And the teenage girls mistake arrogance, detachment and bullying as confidence, even though these things are the biggest signs of insecurity.
And so my sharing of my fears, worries and why I was unconfident with these girls meant that they treated me as a friend and gave me plenty of support and sympathy, but wouldn’t have ever thought of me as potential mating material."

I have experienced this pretty much all my life, not just with teenage girls. And I never understood it, I always thought that girls like that were just weak. That is, until I fell in love with one of them. And I don't think she is weak, however I still do not understand why she went from an abusive relationship to a slightly less abusive relationship, still with someone that treats her like shit. Maybe now, I do.

I have always struggled with self-confidence. Coming to England 12 years ago helped me immensely, or at least so I believed since. True, I admit that I may not display an outward show of confidence but I do feel a lot more confident than I ever have.

However, is this lack of outward show of confidence my biggest problem? I just thought that I was in touch with my feelings and that crying and being honest and frontal is a good thing. A modern man. And that women were just blind and that one day someone would come along that would not have these prejudices.

However, is it that that still transpires as low in confidence? Does that come out as needy? The fact that I am honest and upfront seen as a weakness? Is it me then, still? And therefore, in Kim's wise words, never thought of as mating material?

06 October, 2009

Good meetings

Here's to good meetings and good meeting days!!

The days started all grey and miserable, a proper winter's day, grey and rainy. The prospect of commuting to Sheffield for a meeting that has proven in the past to be so boring you rather blow your brains out, so weary you rather run a marathon or a complete waste of time most times did not feel me with a great degree of confidence for the day ahead.

Surprisingly it did not turn out like that at all. A lot of the stuff talked about was informative and positive. The other stuff was very helpful indeed and I come out with a lot more confidence in my job and I feel like I've actually learned something. On top of that it finished a lot earlier than expected which meant I was home a lot earlier than normal as well.

So it wasn't weary, boring or a waste of time at all. In fact, I came out of it with a lot more enthusiasm for the work needed for the weeks ahead, and a real sense of purpose.

Happy days, and when that happens that tranfers to your mood as well and puts in a positive state of mind.

If only other things could come as such a good surprise...

04 October, 2009


There are two great words in the portuguese language that have no, or poor translation, in english. They are Fado and Saudade. Saudade can loosely be described as homesickness, but is so much more, because you can feel Saudade of your friends, of good times or that wonderful cake you used to have when you were yound. Fado is much more complex, and whilst as a music genre it often has Saudade as its theme, it can also mean fate, pine for something or a state of being, or even still as I said before, a national identity.

The only English word that I quite like that can comes even nearer to Saudade is Longing. And in its own way is quite ambivalent in its meaning. Not only does mean longing for something that you have had or experienced, like Saudade, but you can also long for something in the future or long for something you do not have. It's like Saudade, but for all spectrum of time, present, past and future!!

And so I long.
I long to not feel sad.
Yes I long.

And so I long.
I long for the day when the emptiness has left me.
Yes I long.
I long to not feel useless.

And so I long.
I long not to feel bad.
Yes I long.

And so I long.
I long for the day when there is no more frustration in me.
Yes I long.
I long not to feel helpless.

That is what I feel.
I feel Longing.
Longing for what in the future I will or could feel.
In the meantime, I feel Longing.

Patience I am told is the key. Waiting also I am told is important, it must be the keyring that hold the keys of patience...

How long can one wait?
How long can I wait?
Can you forever hold your feelings?
Will your feelings hold if not expressed?

How long can one stay aside?
When all I see is hurt with forgiveness?
When all I feel is frustration and emptiness?
Will love and longing hold me together?
For how Long?

Because Longing is what it is, at the moment.

30 September, 2009

When people change...

When people change, things change.

But why do people change? And do they change suddenly? I don't believe anyone can change who they are overnight, but, as I said before, life experiences and learning will change you whether you realise it or not.

But what they can change is their attitudes towards you. That doesn't necessarily mean they have changed, but something may have changed. Either someone will have said something, or something will have had to have happened.




My friends assure me I'm not insensitive or cruel. But then they also tell me that if ever I was at any one point, they would have forgiven me, because they are my friends...




28 September, 2009


Saturday I decided to finally get out of my fat arse and actually do some kind of exercise. When I moved to Birstall I noticed there was a Running Club, literally, a few yards down the road and I wanted to be part of it as I had been playing regular football anymore. But it was like, I 'll join, I'll join but you just never do.

Given recent events, changes and transformations, big or small, since my birthday I've been rethinking and addressing certain things in my life. Work included. One of them was to get out of the house. On Saturday I finally rang the Running Club, the lady scared me as the standard they weer expecting seemed quite high and quite daunting and I thought I would have to do a lot more work on my own first. We chatted for a while and we agreed that I would come in on Monday and give it a go.

To test myself and not feel really bad, I got up early on Sunday, beautiful morning, and went for a quick run down to the village, which was very pleasant. At the end I ran back for about 11 minutes and I thought that was my limit, and that I would feel less bad on Monday.

Today I went through with it, I had been looking forward to it up to the moment I put my shoes on and then I was dreading it. I had no real idea of what to expect, how far I could do it because playing football is so different and I had even done that for ages and meeting these complete strangers was quite scary in a way.

But I did. The lady i spoken to on Saturday, Angie, was very very patient, and she assured me that as she had just come back form an injury she would run with me and to pay no mind to others. She was terrific, always encouraging me, I actually did not feel that bad at all, and I coped a lot better than I expected. More than that, I must have ran about 5 times what I had done on Sunday to the point that Angie admitted she didn't even expect to have done much today and that she was really surprised with me. Not as surprised as I was!!! About an hour later with only two or three stops we finally got back to the club and I was quite elated. Of course, having someone telling you all the way, for about an hour, how well you are doing and how determined you are helps a lot.

So thanks to Angie, and Tom and Angie's husband for being so nice and making me feel welcomed.

I am now doing exercise!! My chest feels a bit tight to be honest, I don't know how legs will be tomorrow, but all I care now is hoping I will be ok to return Friday. I am excited and pleased to have taken this step. (M I hope you're proud of me, you've been telling me to this for years!)


27 September, 2009


I have recently moved to the quiet village of Birstall, 10 minutes from the centre of Leicester, yet at times you feel like you are hours away from the city and almost in a little world of your own.

I have only lived here for 4 or 5 months, but I feel I have been here for years. My dad told me that it was a nice people to retire. And it is, because it is quiet and lovely and beautiful, just outside the lakes of Watermead Park. But is is also a great place to live in, because if at any time you feel the quiet is too much you have the city on your doorstep, but for a daily life it is superb.

Today, four things have happened that have prompted me to write about Birstall. One, was the change I have decided to make my blog.

The other three happened because I left the house. Dangerous business leaving your front door, Tolkien would say!

I decided to go for a run this morning in what it will probably be one of the last few days of beautiful sunshine in England. Practically outside my house, I saw these two beautiful brown horses, what elegant creatures!

A few minutes later, as I sat in Watermead Park for a quick rest, by the river, a family was paddling along in two canoes, looking so happy and having the most great fun!

On my way back, one of the locals, a villager no doubt said Good Morning to me, I have been in Leicester for 5 years and I have never had that, a complete stranger speaking to you if only to say a good morning, it reminded me of where my family is from, from the village of Corga, Viseu where everyone is like that. No soon did that happen, a few metres ahead another person, a lovely old man walking his dog again, said Good Morning! Maybe it is something about living in a village that makes people happier, friendlier or politer.

Whichever, I appreciated it. As I have said before, I love the Small Things.

A change in name and ideology

This blog used to be called Wallowing in Self Pity. It was thus called because that was the state of being I thought I was in, although my feelings were more aptly described as helpless, empty and frustrated. I never felt desperation, depression or other more radical ideas.

Notwithstanding, I have had to argue my point over the rationale of being able to feel whatever it I was feeling at the time, and at any given time, without remorse, embarrassment or shame. All of which, are arguments and valid points I still hold on to. Why shouldn't I be able to feel, even if it is sadness, and show it?

However, I believe that in fact there is not an English word or sentence that describes what I go through at times like that, when things less agreeable happen in my life, and I had a flash of realisation when I was thinking yesterday about the cultural differences between England and Portugal.

I have realised that what I go through is a much deeper sensation, something akin to our very own Portuguese Fado. There is no true definition or word in English that can equate and fully explain what Fado is. Somehow, I think I have been imbued with a true portuguese spirit of adventure, love of the sea and other cultures, hospitality and kindness, and resilience (even if coupled with an innate compulsion for complaining and whining!).

Fado, for me, represents a national identity, an identity of feelings, a national predisposition for apparent tragedy, nostalgia and sadness, but always, always with a remnant of hope and lightheartedness in the face of sometimes emotional and hurtful events, which means we can always overcome. Which we do, after some grumbling!

Thus, this is my Fado.

26 September, 2009


Whilst I object in principle to changing who you are and what you are like, I do believe that one should always look to continually improve and learn and attain a better state of being.

This is not easy in the slightest, and it is a fine line between re-working things in your brain and learn from your experiences and forcefully change who you are.

You can't suddenly change your music tastes, what food you like or what you believe in. However, it is possible that you may look at things in a different way, and with time and life experiences some of these may change somewhat over the course of your life.

When in doubt, I normally turn to my music, or books or films. In the present case, I turn to my favourite book and film, The Lord of the Rings, and there's a couple of lines that I have been reflecting on for the past couple of days, for different reasons, one is: "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." and the other one is: "There never was much hope. Just a fool's hope.".

Which most of us have probably heard of in one form or another. And I get different things from both lines. The second one teaches you to never lose hope, how many times have you heard that, but, the difference here is that it also tells you and acknowledges that that hope is probably misguided, far-fetched and unlikely, yet... you should still hold on to it. And I agree, something may have a 99% likelihood and change of happening, but there's always the one percent, with the exception of death (100% certainty!) everything has a chance of happening, however minute, and life is always Stranger Than Fiction....

The first one teaches us that we concern ourselves unduly most of the time with what ifs and what nots and we really do need to concentrate on the present. But it says much more than that, it also tells us that it's what you do with the cards that you have been given, it's how you make your decisions. If you have been given a hand of 2's at poker that's all you can play with, if you have a hand of two kings you may think you're laughing but that is never enough to win, it's how you play the game, sometimes a hand of 2's will beat the king's.

And really, it is all in your mind at the end of the day. How you chose your approach and how you chose to react is what counts. I don't pretend to presume that you can chose what you feel, that is much deeper and unconscious and irrational, but what you do with those feelings is conscious, or can be. Your actions and your deeds will show who you are.

How you process the thoughts and the feelings in your head can come from a conscious process. You can re-wire your brain if you want to, if you can convince yourself, after careful and detailed analysis of how you act in the face of determined situations.

And I wonder, if I should rename this blog...

22 September, 2009

Passion or Love

I suppose this is the question most people often ask themselves after "Do I really like him/her?"
And it is not an easy question to answer as no one really knows what love is, it has been the subject of much debate of many better writers than me and many, many poets over the aeons, and yet we still have no clue on how to define and identify it.
In all likelihood this is because it usually happens unannnounced and it is not rational in the slightest, which is why it is easily confused with passion. They both mess with our emotions, our hormones and our head.
How can you tell the difference? I don't pretend to know the answer but I can however attempt to expose my view on the issue, based on what I told my friend, and in which I genuinely believe and have believed for a while.

When you are together that you feel so comfortable that it's like you have known each other for years and you don't have to try, that's love.
When the way they speak and the way they laugh is capable of lighting up a room and that alone lights up your mood, that's love.
When just being in someone's presence is enough to make you happy and feeling content, that's love.
When you can imagine yourself with that person when you are both old, in 40/50 years time, sitting outside in the garden and you still have stuff to talk about and you are still in love, THAT is True Love.

Maybe... I think! But ask yourselves those questions, especially the last one. What do you feel?

21 September, 2009

The things we say...

The things we say when we are hurting can be incredibly frightful
The things we say when we are jealous can be so hurtful
The things we say when we're not thinking straight can have a deeper impact than we realise at the time
The things we say when what we really want to say cannot be said can be so spiteful
The things we say when our minds are lost can be so unfair and so unkind
The things we say when we are frustrated can be so cruel
The things we say when we are confused can be so damaging
The things we say when what we want to say is I hurt because of you so I want you to hurt as well.

It is not fair.
It is not pretty.
It is not rational.
It is not excusable.
It is completely out of order.

Why do we think such stupid and twisted things when we hurt?
Why oh why do we hurt the ones we love?
Why do we became so completely irrational that we convince ourselves of outrageous things?
Why oh why do we lose our thoughts and our logic when we love?
Why can sorry be such a meaningless and inappropriate word?
Why oh why do we hurt the ones we love when all we want is to see them well?
Why do act so completely selfishly when we are confused?
Why oh why do we make the people we love cry?

It is not right.
It is not smart.
It is not conscious.
It is not defensible.
It is completely unacceptable.

Stay - A film by Marc Forster

I have just a tremendous film by the same director of Stranger than Fiction, Marc Forster.
Stay is a complicated and difficult to follow film, yet you can just about follow it, in glimpses, until the very end when you finally think it all seems to make a sort of sense. But its triumph really is the way it is shot, because the scenes themselves contribute to the story. It is a wonderfully shot film. This guy has also directed two other brilliant films, Monster's Ball and Finding Neverland. He is clearly someone I will be looking out for.
For a much more informed and authoritative review on this film have a look at what Roger Ebert thinks:


Can't I be sad when I feel guilty for being jealous?
Can't I be sad that once again I'm not loved?
Can't I be sad that nobody ever loves me?
Can't I be sad for always being alone?
Can't I be sad that being even remotely sad compounds the problem and keeps people away?
Can't I be sad to contemplating that I may forever be alone?
Can't I be sad?
Can't I?

19 September, 2009

Why wallow Part 2

"One of the main objectives in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is to show the client that whenever unpleasant and unfortunate activating events occur in people's lives, they have a choice of making themselves feel healthily and self-helpingly sorry, disappointed, frustrated, and annoyed, or making themselves feel unhealthily and self-defeatingly horrified, terrified, panicked, depressed, self-hating, and self-pitying. By attaining and ingraining a more rational and self-constructive philosophy of themselves, others and the world, people often are more likely to behave and emote in more life-serving and adaptive ways."
source: Wikipedia

I think I am, and through the use of this blog have been, one of the former. I chose to feel healthily and self-helpingly sorry, frustrated, angry and sad. The key word really is self-helpingly. What I defend is that you can be sad, and you can wallow in your own self-pity, but that you learn and use it as a tool to recover, grow and overcome.

There's nothing like being validated by a scientific theory and current medicinal practice. The REBT was developed by Albert Ellis, a psychologist who is generally considered to be one of the originators of the cognitive revolutionary paradigm shift in psychotherapy and the founder of cognitive-behavioral therapies. In a 1982 professional survey of U.S. and Canadian psychologists, he was ranked the second most influential psychotherapist in history, after Carl Rogers.

source: Wikipedia

18 September, 2009

Being alone

Being alone is more than just being physically alone. A lot of people will recognise, through own experience, the old adage of feeling alone in a room full of people.
I was alone yesterday, but not really. I spoke to people all day long. Not only people, but friends, real ones, the kind that ring you at 2 o'clock in the morning and that if you need you can ring them at 5am !! (M ;) ). These are the people that are worth knowing and letting in to your life and keeping close to you.
They will keep the loneliness away when you are alone,
They will listen to you when you need to be heard,
They will share with you when they need a friend also,
They will make you smile even if just for a moment,
They will know you better than you do,
And they will definitely tell you off when you need to and protect you from yourself when you are too blind to see.
I am lucky that I have people like that. I have had little luck in little else in my life, in fact, I normally completely discount the factor luck as it is so alien for me, and ensure I do what I can to plan to do without it. For one reason or another I will always end up in the most ludicrous situations where luck is certainly always absent. Sometimes I walk into situations because I speak from the heart, and that is rarely accepted in this world of ours. But I do know of one situation where that works and from which I have benefited. Friendship, with capital F.

16 September, 2009

Am I in love with the idea of being in love?

I heard this line somewhere recently, in a movie or a tv series or something. And following yesterday's chat with my friend I have started wondering.
CENSORED one wonders how you know what is real at any given moment in time. It's not like you can possibly know what anyone else feels with absolute certainty, that's obvious, but can you know with absolute certainty, what you feel?
After all, feelings can be fickle, depending on how you rationalise things and events, and how often do you feel rage and anger that is simply disguised as frustration, self-disappointment and disgust?!
How often do you think you want something to completely change your mind soon thereafter?
How many times do you choose certain things depending on what mood you're in?

Do your feelings for someone change that easily as well?
Do you believe you have feelings for someone because you think you do?

How can you tell the difference?

I'm not sure I am either the most qualified nor the most experienced person to speculate about this, but I thought I knew. But could it be that having spent so long alone I have become such a helpless romantic that I am actually in love with poetic the idea of being in love? Does my idea of loyalty and honesty and openness too demanding and utopic? Have I possibly become so demanding that if even anyone would like me for whatever reason I would scare them away with this demanding idea of a seemingly perfect relationship and a perfect love?

But I do not even believe in that kind of perfection. Is it simply that I seek a person that cannot possibly exist? Am I so different that there is no one out there that can ever fulfill my idea of what the important values should be shared and treasured?

CENSORED How can I know? And can you ever know for sure? CENSORED 

All I know, is that I have liked other people before. I have fancied other people before. But there was never nothing there. I can think of two particular times on my life with two particular people, quite recently as well, A & G, but there just never was enough there. Funnily enough the opposite is true of two others, another A & L. One of them I knew the minute I looked at her, and the first time we talked and as we spend more time together it all became obvious. With L it was different, a kind of intermediate medium, you knew there were feelings there but we never spent enough time together for it to develop despite keeping in contact via letters. It all kind of developed into a fond and caring relationship.


I don't know. CENSORED 

Conversation with a friend

I was chatting to a friend and I was posed a very interesting question:

Q - Because love is the most painful feeling ever, especially when its close to home on a daily basis. CENSORED 

I don't know if I can tell the difference. I do know that I don't fall in love every other day. I have felt like this for someone once, ok, maybe twice, so I know, I think, I hope... It was real hard the first few day days (...). I felt quite lost and empty, music didn't help, being quiet didn't help, so I decided to write, and that helped. (...) friends were quite cool as well. I realised that I rather be close to her and talk to her then be distant and not have a friendship. (...) and so I hope. even if I have to wait.

Nothing is ever more truthful when it comes from the heart and you don't have to think about it. And that is why I started writing this blog. Because it hurt in a way that made me empty. Why I started writing again at all. CENSORED 

14 September, 2009

Little things will change your life

I think I may have just watched the best film ever, why it took me quite so long to watch it is mystery.
Stranger than Fiction is not your average movie. There's just so many levels and layers and metaphors you can extract from it that I cannot possibly name them all, I do have but a glimpse of them, I shall have to watch it a lot more times before I can fully comprehend all its message.

Nevertheless, I can comment on what it means for me now or what I got out of it after this one first viewing.

It is a genious tale of someone that realises that his life is not his own, and that in consequence his death is already decided. When it will happen he does not know, which is not different from any of us on a daily basis, but he does find out that he is to be terminated soon. Not only that, but he is character in someone's novel. He seeks his "maker" and confronts her with his plight in the hope he will not be killed off. How much can you draw from this comparison to each and every one of us, whether we are religious, believers or not, about our secret desire to not die, and to meet our God, gods and somehow convince them that we shouldn't die?
Amidst it all, it is also a simple and common life and love story about somebody realising his life is not satisfactorily enough and that it should probably change somehow, but doesn't know how, until he hears his own life story in his head narrated by his "maker". He does make changes and turns his life around, to such an extent that the prospect of him dying so soon after changing so much is an absolute tragedy.
This aspect of tragedy and its role in literature is also present. Read Roger Ebert's excellent review of this film and its uncanny role in discussing the arts.


The film is absolutely brilliant, and excellently acted may I add by Will Ferrell especially, and it ends with a monologue from the author about why in the end it decided to change the fact of the character and save his life.
A much more endearing and beautiful exposé of the importance of small things than I could possibly ever achieve.
As she says, the little things will change your live.

13 September, 2009

Is it real? Part Deux

Yes indeed, CENSORED


In recent times I have been telling myself that I was wiser once than I am now. I used to think and believe that if it wasn't corresponded then it wasn't real. And I have been trying to convince myself that that was true and that I was really smarter ten years ago. Which clearly, is rubbish. Nothing is ever that simple or black and white. That line of thought is taken when you try to convince yourself to move forward. It is a way of self protecting. A biological leftover from our evolution path. It doesn't, however, make it true.

It steal away my sleep causes me pain..

Oh, I wish it were easier than this... As it stands, words are all I have, and thus, all I am allowed to offer. But even that little gift is plentiful for me.

12 September, 2009

The simple things

After it all, what it matters really are the simple things. I may talk about the larger picture a lot of times and use big words but in the end, as somebody once told me, words are like stones. It is actions and presences that count.
There's this song by a portuguese band, called Xutos, that goes "small things that are missing from your life make the big incomplete (...) measure the importance of the small details like a screw in a space rocket" I promise it sounds better in portuguese. 
And I am all for the little things and the little pleasures in life, I really am.
The smell of the air just after it rained.
A walk in a park.
A cuddle on a couch.
A talk with a friend.
A nice dessert.
The company of that someone special.
The way the sunlight falls on the grass on a Summer's day.
A rainbow.
Lighting at night.
Sunset on a beach.
Dusklight as you walk home, you know, when the sky is not dark nor bright, but the light at that time makes the cloudsd various shades of red and orange.
A complicit look.

I could go on, I generally do but I lack the inspiration today, I am determined to keep on writing though.

I am so easily pleased. I just wish I could find that person, that for once, would reciprocate my feelings. All I ask in return is loyalty and honesty, is that so much to ask?

11 September, 2009

11th of September - The first day of the rest of your life.



Thus this is the first day of the rest of my life. Why? CENSORED  And so it is that one must look to the future once again with a mix of some possibly misplaced hope and disappointment, sadness and frustration. CENSORED 
The sun shines, it is a new day. The rest of my life starts now, maybe all I need to figure out is what it'll or should be like...

08 September, 2009

Let it hurt

The title of the last post was supposed to be let it hurt but I digressed and talked about something entirely different.
Hence, I shall do it now. Some people I know may know where I stole the idea from.
Basically it is this notion, similar to the "wallowing", that sometimes you should not rush with all best intentions to try and fix and cure and repair the hurt.
Sometimes it is best to just let it hurt.
Because there is no cure.
And no cure is better than multiple failed cures.
You just have to take it as it comes and accept it.
It may be hard, it may hurt.
You may not understand it.
You may want to be angry.
And you probably will.
But it will not make a difference.
You just to have to accept the situation and wait.
Being patient is just so hard though, yet, time really is the best of all help.
Some people may deal with hurt by getting distracted and by pretending and by ignoring it. That is just not me, for better or for worse I just have to dig deeper. That is who I am, that is how I deal with it. This "wallowing" of mine is not filled with negative thoughts and sinking feelings. I am not poking at my wound (T!). I am simply looking at it, and see how bad it is, exposing its grotesque features to the light of day, and thereby assessing its condition. Maybe its that I am too inquisitive. Or maybe it is that I am just weird. Or maybe I just do not like to brush it under the carpet.
And so I let it hurt.
For better or for wherever it leads.
I let it suffuse my consciousness for whatever time I need to.
And at the end, I can once again function with some semblance of normality.

As I said before, this time the reality is that it seems to be less a question of hurt and more of emptiness.

Funnily enough, or scarily depending on the point of view, I saw this movie yesterday called Downloading Nancy, and I was surprised at how much I could understand and identify with the character on some levels. Not that I have ever been that radical or entertained such thoughts, but I could comprehend how one could get to that level of desperation and emptiness, that you would do whatever you could to feel. That maybe hard to accept for some people but that is just the way it is. does that make me dysfunctional? Does that means I have issues? Does it make me a weirdo? I don't really care, who wants to be normal anyway?

06 September, 2009

The moment

How does one know what one feels at any given moment in time? (My lecturers at uni would have been proud of the way I framed that question, completely scientific).
But how do we? I remember discussing with some friends a few weeks back if one could possibly fall in love at first sight, if such a thing even existed. I argued yes, it has happened to me before. But what it is I do know or cannot describe. It might be something that clicks at the back of your mind when you see someone. It can happen straight away or later on, once you know someone for a while, someone for which you have harboured fond feelings for and realise that actually there is more there.
I liken it to "problem-solving". When you are faced with a difficult problem, you cannot answer it no matter how much you look at it, but once you studied it a bit deeper and find out more about it, even if you need research, at some point in that quest the answer will dawn on you and you feel energised and excited. Other times, the same problem can be extremely hard for somebody else, yet you may see the answer straight away, a bit like the Who wants to be a Millionaire quiz in the 8th or 9th stage, when you just know the answer.
Not that I am arguing that feelings work just like thoughts and riddles but they must be similar for they originate in that same complicated and most wonderful of our organs that is the brain.
And so you know. When that happens it can be joyous. You feel like you are alive. I have always understood and completely agreed with Tennyson's adage that "It's best to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". I know because I have lived most of my life without it, but, I have experienced it. And thus I know the difference.
Even though, due to whatever reasons, never having been consummated and or reciprocated. You see, when that happens, you hope that there must be something back form the other person. And it most definitely, there is, how can it not? Unfortunately, it either does not run as deep in them or they haven't yet figured it out. You most likely have a very good friendship. In which case, you can either be patient and wait for their epiphany moment, or be angry and blow it all to smithereens. I have done the latter before, and it wasn't so good.
I do so very much, hate being the Friends Only guy. I have plenty of Friends though, and we have been so for a number of years, which has only strengthened our relationship. CENSORED 

05 September, 2009

Self Pity

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird
will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt
sorry for itself.
D H Lawrence

20 bands

I'll give £10 to whoever can name the 20 bands from a few posts ago.


Following on from the idea that sometimes it is right to do the wrong thing, sometimes it's also damn great to just say fukitol. It's very liberating if not exhonerating, but then in those moments that is exactly what that is about.

It's about throwing responsibility and common sense and discretion to the wind and just do something outrageous and shocking and out of character. Although it is like a perpetrating spiral of which you cannot get out of, sometimes it just feels good to be there.

In the darkness. Wrapped up in yourself and your loneliness. Warding off everything and everyone. Sick of the world, sick of the lack of compassion, sick of it all. It can be like a wall to self protect you against that very world that has caused you the grief and the pain that you feel and caused you to descend into it in the first place.

Yet you want to shout. And you want to be heard. You want to be helped. It's the duality again that can leave you at times paralysed and feeling more hopeless than the grief and the despair and the pain themselves...