Deciding Moments II

I always meant to follow up on the first post called Momentous Decisions, can't believe that well over a year has past since. Don't really know why I haven't, I mean Summer 2012 and indeed most of 2012 was not one of my better years but I guess at the bottom of it there was perhaps a fear to examine things too much in my adult life.

Don't even know where to begin, I guess chronologically and what I remember, because they'll be the ones that matter.

Well, at the age of 17, fresh out of school and applying to university for the first time wishing to do Medicine as I had always wanted since I was 6. I suppose even at the time it was so incredibly hard to get the required average that you couldn't take it too seriously, possibly, but certainly the decision to play a computer game with my friend instead of revising for the national exam (específica de biologia) was momentous and a critical lack of responsibility, both me and him have laughed somewhat awkwardly about that day, it was crazy.

I then went and got my first job an indeed I did very well, I was working in the export department. I don't recall exactly the sequence if events but I believe I was getting to the end of my contract and the company were deciding whether to keep me or not as I had made a big fuss about applying for university that year. Well, my revision was poor at best, revising whilst watching football is not the best idea (Euro 96 was on I believe) but, at work, I decided to write this letter to my line manager outlining the pros and cons of keeping me. I was advised that that was probably not the best idea and it turned out they did not offer me a new contract. Was it the letter? I'll never know but certainly if I had stayed there life would have turned very differently.

untitled

Paraphrasing...

"Most of life's most memorable moments are over quickly, almost before they begin.

And they take up very little of our life as a whole.

However, some moments cast an immense light into the future.

And make the people who made those moments unforgettable."

You did, and I shan't ever forget you and those moments.

I've made a decision, a decision to let you go and not chase you, and I should be proud of that decision. I can hold my head high and indeed keep my head up. Which should give me strength. Strength to overcome the longing and the sadness.

I may yet overcome it. Deep down I understand I have the capacity to reconnect with another person. I feel I can love someone else. Yes, I think I can.

But I shan't ever forget you and the shadow the light of those moments cast will be forever with me.

I can never forget. Never forget you and never forget that once... once there was an us.

Away in Scotland

What a strange day it's been.
A very meh day indeed.
I've felt tired, I've not slept properly in weeks and the last few days have been no exception even though I fall asleep quickly.
But I've also felt a bit sick, a tightness in my chest, can't tell if it's physical due to the drinking the unhealthy food or the tiredness; or whether it's psychological.
The last few days have been odd: I've never been in a relationship so I don't know how it feels when you're away and separated from a loved one. To compound matters the circumstances have been particular so there has been plenty of contact.
I've felt her pain and I've missed not being near her to comfort her, but I know I have helped somewhat by being present and available and giving emotional support.
The thing is she can be very hot and cold, vulnerable and eager to talk then completely independent and distant. I know she copes differently but it's difficult to get used to it. That's one thing we're very different about, which is probably good because I over analyse things too much.
I don't know if today has been a meh day because I've missed frequent and sincere contact with her or whether the whole thing has made me reflect in my own life and the loss of my own grandfather who I have never mourned properly, and te fact my other grandfather has been very I'll also.
Or simply I've just been tired.
I do ascribe things to where there is nothing sometime. I know I know, happiness is a choice but today I do feel very meh there's no other word.
Perhaps my idea of fun is different from the others and I've just lost interest a little bit today as well. I can't tell.

It's good to just sit here by the sea and listen to the wind blow and the waves slowly crashing by. They are sounds like nothing else and if it wasn't for the biting cold I could sit here for hours, probably not writing but simply listening. It's such an awareness of the force of the sea, it's not a loud crashing noise but a low key sound of waves and win on waves, relentlessly and timelessly coming together in these shores. One looks ahead and see nothing but water. The ocean here is a dark grey-blue and it meets the light blue of the sky in the horizon with the grey, low clouds, above mirroring the water below. It's a special kind of beauty. It inspires me, it never fails to. Wether it's here in the cold northern country or further down in the warmer southern foreign lands.

Rap e fado

Ouvi isto há mais de um ano, ia de carro para Lisboa, e lembro-me de pensar "que maravilha, dois artistas completamente diferentes a colaborar e a fazer uma música incrível".

Procurei-a, depois, no Spotify, e no iTunes. Nada. Encontrei-a, contudo, no YouTube. 

Já não a ouvia há imenso tempo, até me tinha esquecido. Hoje ouvi-a de novo. E só agora me apercebi da profundidade da letra, das duas canções, a do desespero e a da esperança, duas em uma.

E mais uma vez pensei "que maravilha, que canção incrível". E consigo me identificar com muitos aspectos dessa canção neste momento da minha vida. Aqui vai a letra:

"(Boss Ac)

Não me resta nada, sinto não ter forças para lutar
É como morrer de sede no meio do mar e afogar
Sinto-me isolado com tanta gente à minha volta
Vocês não ouvem o grito da minha revolta
Choro a rir, isto é mais forte do que pensei
Por dentro sou um mendigo que aparenta ser um rei
Não sei do que fujo, a esperança pouca me resta
É triste ser tão novo e já achar que a vida não presta
As pernas tremem, o tempo passa, sinto cansaço
O vento sopra, ao espelho vejo o fracasso
O dia amanhece, algo me diz para ter cuidado
Vagueio sem destino nem sei se estou acordado
O sorriso escasseia, hoje a tristeza é rainha
Não sei se a alma existe mas sei que alguém feriu a minha
Às vezes penso se algum dia serei feliz
Enquanto oiço uma voz dentro de mim que diz…

(Mariza)
Chorei,
Mas não sei se alguém me ouviu
Então sei se quem me viu
Sabe a dor que em mim carrego e a angústia que se esconde
Vou ser forte e vou-me erguer
E ter coragem de querer
Não ceder, nem desistir eu prometo
Busquei
Nas palavras o conforto
Dancei no silêncio morto
E o escuro revelou que em mim a Luz se esconde
Vou ser forte e vou-me erguer
E ter coragem de querer
Não ceder, nem desistir eu prometo

(Boss Ac)
Não há dia que não pergunte a Deus porque nasci
Eu não pedi, alguém me diga o que faço aqui
Se dependesse de mim teria ficado onde estava
Onde não pensava, não existia e não chorava
Prisioneiro de mim próprio, o meu pior inimigo
Às vezes penso que passo tempo demais comigo
Olho para os lados, não vejo ninguém para me ajudar
Um ombro para me apoiar, um sorriso para me animar
Quem sou eu? Para onde vou? De onde vim?
Alguém me diga, porque, me sinto assim?
Sinto que a culpa é minha mas não sei bem porquê
Sinto lágrimas nos meus olhos mas ninguém as vê
Estou farto de mim, farto daquilo que sou, farto daquilo que penso
Mostrem-me a saída deste abismo imenso
Pergunto-me se algum dia serei feliz
Enquanto oiço uma voz dentro de mim que me diz…

(Mariza)
Chorei
Mas não sei se alguém me ouviu
E não sei se quem me viu
Sabe a dor que em mim carrego e a angústia que se esconde
Vou ser forte e vou-me erguer
E ter coragem de querer
Não ceder, nem desistir eu prometo...

Busquei,
Nas palavras o conforto
Dancei no silêncio morto
E o escuro revelou que em mim a Luz se esconde
Vou ser forte e vou-me erguer
E ter coragem de querer
Não ceder, nem desistir eu prometo...

(Boss AC)
Tento não me ir abaixo mas não sou de ferro
Quando penso que tudo vai passar
Parece que mais me enterro
Sinto uma nuvem cinzenta que me acompanha onde estiver
E penso para mim mesmo será que Deus me quer
Será a vida apenas uma corrida prá morte
Cada um com a sua sina, cada um com a sua sorte
Não peço muito, não peço mais do que tenho direito
Olho para trás e analiso tudo o que tenho feito
E mesmo quando errei foi a tentar fazer o bem
Não sei o que é o ódio, não desejo mal a ninguém
Vai surgir um raio de luz no meio da porcaria
Porque até um relógio parado está certo duas vezes por dia
Vou-me aguentando
A esperança é a última a morrer
Neste jogo incerto o resultado não posso prever
E quando penso em desistir por me sentir infeliz
Oiço uma voz dentro de mim que me diz
Mamtém-te firme"

Period. Paragraph

I may have lost a girlfriend but I haven't lost my life.

Because I had one.

It was always independent of her.

And that's exactly as it should be.

I didn't need her to find me.

I didn't need her to save me.

I didn't need her to socialise.

To have fun.

To laugh.

I know who I am.

I've found him hiding late last year.

I know who I want.

I've found my confidence in the last year.

I know what I like.

I've always known to be fair.

I know how to get it.

I've discovered that everything is a choice.

Not doing something is as much a choice as doing.

Feelings and happiness are also a choice, but they're not quite so black and white.

Feelings always muddle things up somewhat.

But then that's what makes human.

And life interesting.

Onwards!

Choosing

It's all about choices isn't?

Like what we choose to believe.

Some people choose to believe that two thousand years miraculously a man returned from the dead. And that there is an almighty creator that watches over single little thin we do. The desire, need to believe in something greater than ourselves gives them comfort. (Or does it? Or is it simply cultural conditioning?)

I choose to believe, want to believe, that what you feel is what Hilmarsdóttir from Of Monsters And Men wrote in a delightful, yet ever so sad for me, song. 

Because somehow I have interiorised that I know what you feel better than you do because you are so messed up.

And it would give me comfort to think thy that is what you really feel. But I don't know. I don't actually know. 

You could have just been fooling me, and fooling yourself all those months, living a fantasy. 

I just choose to believe, want to, need to believe that it wasn't a fantasy, that it was real, that it had meaning. But that's what I felt.

What we choose to believe is sometimes not rational...

Illogicality

No one cares any more.

I've moaned and complained and whinged for too long.

Proportionality I shouldn't be feeling like this. Everyone IS right: forget her, her loss, there's other people and other women, she didn't deserve me, it's been too long I shouldn't be still be thinking about it, move on, forget, etc, etc ad infinitum.

It's all true. It's irrational, I'm being irrational, it's illogical. Time wise is ridiculous really. Consciously I agree and and know all that. I do, I believe in it.

But... now tell my heart that. Tell the pain in my chest when I stop for more than a few minutes. Tell my stupid brain why he's not accepting it.

I'm trying. I'm trying hard. I really am, trying so very hard. Work. Seeing friends. Going out. Running. Writing. Keep my routine going. Meeting new people. Living, as normal. Or as I want to live it. Meeting new people. Doing new things.

But it seems the busier I get it makes no difference. It's just when I'm busy I don't think about it. I have one, two maybe even three days when I'm alright and I think I'll be ok, but then... 

It all comes back. 

I did see you today L. I saw her. I wasn't alone, I blocked it. Now, at the very late of the night, the witching hour it's all come back.

All I can think is: are you happy now? I want to text you and find out how you are. Then I feel what would it accomplish? Isn't it over? And that just makes me even worse. A part of me wants to believe that I ought to do something, fight for her, show her how much I love her, and persuade her how foolish and silly it all was, how precipitous a decision it was...! But... it's not the first time, it was the second time. So then I feel guilty for being stupid. At the same time that I'm annoyed that no one gets it.

No one really understands how I feel. The depths of what I felt, feel, for this person. It wasn't long no. It was, however, intense, a very deep connection, a trust, an ability to trust so completely I never experienced with anyone ever before. A twinning of minds in so many things. 

I can't even finish writing this coherently or making any sort of point.

Tomorrow I'll go on. And it'll be a good day. And I'll have fun. And I'll put on a brave face.

Maybe that's what's annoying me now. I'm used to not caring and just wallow in and let my feelings wash over me. I'm not doing that, trying to be "better", more "grown-up" and "adult" and "mature" about things. Biting the bullet. Fighting my own nature, because that's the bad bits about me right? The self wallowing, depressive tendencies that runs through the blood in my veins. 

And so I put on a front, a new me. Just as I had found myself again a few months back, I seem to now in the process of forging a new cover.

Is it healthy? Is it easier? Does it help? Perhaps it helps somebody, other people... Maybe I should think about other people hey...?

I'm being facetious and selfish now. All I know is, I love that person and I cannot so easily let go. I've already let her go and it's proving one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Letting go of my own feelings for her as well on top of that, and ignoring the loss and the missing as well... I can't. But I should accept that it's over.

It's illogical. Irrational. But then our relationship was always antithetic. The rate at how things evolved, the speed at which we shared our lives and each other, the pace we progressed our involvement was always our own. 

The brightest flame burns the brightest. Why can't it carry on burning?

It burns within me still.

Why doesn't it burn within you?

Or does it but it just hurts you too much?

And you're too afraid of the flame? 

"Just because it burns it doesn't mean it's gonna die. You gotta get up and try, try, try"

I feel like by letting go, so easily, I've not tried hard enough, I've not fought for it.

I don't know. All I do know is that when I see you I know I still care for you. And I think about you every day.

Sunday 17th February

Five months ago today I had the most wonderful day.

And I fell in love.

Many more wonderful, and special days followed, much happiness was found.

I was willing to do anything!

And I did, all that I could have done. So I regret nothing I did or didn't do because I did it all.

Oh 17th I shan't never forget you.

Xp

"Look at any experience as a mandala.

Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can.

And when you're done pack it up and know it was all temporary.

Remember that, it's all temporary."

Four weeks, one month, goodbye L.

Four weeks today.

Four weeks ago you asked me to let you go and I said I would.

I have but fuck it's been hard.

There have been hard days, there have been weird days, there have been easier days, there have been mixed days.

Yes, it has progressively got easier. 

Slowly.

Minutes have given way to hours have given way to days. In which I have not cried. 

Minutes have given way into hours when I don't think about you.

Hell, I even dream about you and I have no control over those. But even they have decreased in intensity.

Some days you are no longer the first thing on my mind when I wake up.

Yes I can function. Yes I can work. Yes I have not isolated myself. Yes I have laughed and had fun. I have even managed to stay calm and help others.

Today is not one of those days. Today was/is a mixed day. It started off so well though! But as soon as I had a few moments to myself...!

Thoughts returned. Feelings overwhelmed me. Tears threaten to come. I had to leave, I couldn't help anybody today. And tears have finally come. I've let them. It's been four days, four good days, sincerely, I have felt well. Today not so much. But I'm allowed I think, I'll allow it myself. I'll cry it out. And remember you. Your face, your touch, your words, our kisses, your company, your attention, your photos, photos of us, our music, our playlist. I'm remembering you today, intensely, so I can move on, and forget you.

Why today and not tomorrow? Or yesterday? It's the tenth today, a month and four weeks since those dreadful text messages. It's not a Monday today, it's just a number, an arbitrary meaning we (myself) ascribe to this day. Life would be easier, apparently, if we didn't attributed extra meaning to things and dates and events than themselves actually had. 

I agree, but we can't live our life without meaning: it's difficult enough not believing in God and organised religion and all the meaning that brings to everything, without assigning some meaning to events in your life. You have to.

Here I sit listening to our playlist, the song I used to sing and translate to you. And I know I will be okay. Eventually. My heart is broken, but I am strong. My feelings do get the better of me most of the time but I think I have found a good balance. I will allow myself some time to grieve for you, for it is a kind of grief that I feel for the end of our relationship. In private, on my own, not letting it affect my work, and allowing myself to have fun, and carry on living. Not putting my life on standby.

Today is the exception, yes. But I've been good, I'm allowed a moment, a day of weakness. Today I will not, have not, followed MEC's advice, I have thought about and followed your advice M.: sometimes it's ok to block it out a little bit, delay it all so that time passes, and further down the line is easy to deal with. So today I've left work early. I've taken the night off to go laugh and have fun, I'm in no state to help anyone, so I shall have Friends and games and beer to distract me.

Laughter some say is the best remedy.

I'm not the first nor shall I be the last to suffer a broken heart. It might even happen to me again, possibly even repeatedly! I hope not. It kinda sucks. But it's normal, unfortunately.

Yet I regret nothing. There's very little I would have done differently. And I will treasure that time and those good moments dearly. I have learnt so much! About myself and about being with someone that that cannot be understated.

Acceptance and accepting is proving harder though. But the ultimate question, really, I know, you've asked it of me M., is: would I take her back? If she came to me with regret and whatever words? Would I?

My heart says yes, for I love her. My mind says no, absolutely not, man ego and pride at play. 

But altogether? Rationally? Even emotionally but firmly planted? No. There was a second chance. There were things said that I believed in and were betrayed. And a single promise, forgiven once, broken twice. Not again.

So the answer is no. I love you L., but, as I told you, sincerely, with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes I will let you go. 

I am that person, now. That can let go the woman he loves if it will make her happy, or happier, or is what she desires. Without extra drama and hang ups and chasing and whatnot. No.

And so we come full circle, four weeks, one month, to this day I said I would let you go. I have, albeit slowly. I have and I will.

I love you but I will let you go.

Goodby my love. Goodbye L. x

Temptation sin

It's so easy, sooo easy to slip back in that way of life.

Crap easy food.

Do fuck all when you get home.

Care about nothing.

Watch TV.

Numb your brain.

Remove your feelings.

Block it all out.

It's comfortable, it's distracting, it's easy.

It's so very tempting.

Part of me wants it, undeniably.

TV series are just so very good these days.

So easy to give in to temptation.

Another part of me doesn't want it.

It doesn't want to be that person anymore.

But the hurt is great, it has weakened me, my resolve.

I have to fight it. Fight the worst of my nature. 

The hurt IS less now. It is getting lesser every day. Some days I no longer cry. Some days several hours go by without me thinking about it.

Bit it's still there. As saudades. The missing. The broken heart. The hard done by feelings. The love that was not enough. The touch that is not more. The beauty I no longer see. The attention I no longer get.

"Sadness will only pass, will only go away, by getting sad. There's no art to it, just time and patience. Remembering, finishing remembering so that you can move on and forget." Something like that. I've read that, I have that text, and I believe in it. I don't want to block it out, I don't want to become that person again.

But it's so hard, it hurts, I cry. So often...

Whatever anyone says believes, I know. I loved. Truly. I did. I do. It doesn't just go away, disappear like that. 

I loved, and it wasn't enough.

I love, but it's not enough. 

Ciclo rápido

Não esperava escrever mais posts.

Algo mudou em mim, nas últimas seis semanas, ou melhor, eu relembrei-me, finalmente, de quem eu sou.

E apercebi-me por fim, do que estava errado na minha vida, e comecei a tratar de o corrigir.

Já muito fiz e o caminho não está ainda completo mas o processo está começado.

Entretanto, e por acaso, inesperadamente, algo mágico aconteceu. Encontrei a felicidade ao lado de alguém muito especial. Foi tudo muito rápido muito acelerado muito intenso. Mas ao mesmo tempo, natural, calmo e perfeito.

Amei. Sem dúvida, e sem reservas. E foi tudo o que sempre sonhei. Em três semanas vivi na realidade o que pensei que só acontecia em filmes e na minha imaginação. Mas é mesmo verdade. E sei que foi correspondido.

Tenho dito que poderia acabar amanhã que já teria valido a pena. Continuo a acreditar nisso, disse-o ao final de uma semana, duas e três.

Agora, que possivelmente, poderá efectivamente acabar amanhã, acredito na mesma que já valeu a pena, apesar de ir ser extremamente difícil, doloroso e sei que as saudades me irão partir o coração.

Contudo, escrevi isto, e é por isso que estou a escrever este post, pois é esse o objectivo do meu blog, exorcizar a escrever.

" A vida continua, meus amigos
Mesmo depois de perdas
Perdas de morte
Perdas de amor
O sol continuará a existir
Vamos continuar a respirar
E o mundo girará continuamente
Por muitos e muitos anos
Mesmo depois de morte
E de amores perdidos
O que fica
É quem fica
E quer ficar
E nós
Nós próprios
E o que é importante
É valorizar quem fica
E saber quem somos
E continuar
Em frente, de preferência
Apesar de tudo
E de tudo o que é menos bom
Haverá sempre coisas boas
E pessoas que amamos
E elas balançam o resto
Ou melhor ainda,
Contra-balançam
E fazem a nossa existência valer a pena
Mas também temos que fazer pela vida
E fazer essa vida contar
Fazê-la rica
E preenchida
Por nós próprios
E para nós

E se alguém o quiser partilhar
Bom, isso seria perfeito
Mas não indispensável
Apesar de o parecer.
Mas sem dúvida
Sozinho
Será sempre incompleto
Mas não invalida
O que queremos ser
E ter uma vida boa
E cheia"