I've moaned and complained and whinged for too long.
Proportionality I shouldn't be feeling like this. Everyone IS right: forget her, her loss, there's other people and other women, she didn't deserve me, it's been too long I shouldn't be still be thinking about it, move on, forget, etc, etc ad infinitum.
It's all true. It's irrational, I'm being irrational, it's illogical. Time wise is ridiculous really. Consciously I agree and and know all that. I do, I believe in it.
But... now tell my heart that. Tell the pain in my chest when I stop for more than a few minutes. Tell my stupid brain why he's not accepting it.
I'm trying. I'm trying hard. I really am, trying so very hard. Work. Seeing friends. Going out. Running. Writing. Keep my routine going. Meeting new people. Living, as normal. Or as I want to live it. Meeting new people. Doing new things.
But it seems the busier I get it makes no difference. It's just when I'm busy I don't think about it. I have one, two maybe even three days when I'm alright and I think I'll be ok, but then...
It all comes back.
I did see you today L. I saw her. I wasn't alone, I blocked it. Now, at the very late of the night, the witching hour it's all come back.
All I can think is: are you happy now? I want to text you and find out how you are. Then I feel what would it accomplish? Isn't it over? And that just makes me even worse. A part of me wants to believe that I ought to do something, fight for her, show her how much I love her, and persuade her how foolish and silly it all was, how precipitous a decision it was...! But... it's not the first time, it was the second time. So then I feel guilty for being stupid. At the same time that I'm annoyed that no one gets it.
No one really understands how I feel. The depths of what I felt, feel, for this person. It wasn't long no. It was, however, intense, a very deep connection, a trust, an ability to trust so completely I never experienced with anyone ever before. A twinning of minds in so many things.
I can't even finish writing this coherently or making any sort of point.
Tomorrow I'll go on. And it'll be a good day. And I'll have fun. And I'll put on a brave face.
Maybe that's what's annoying me now. I'm used to not caring and just wallow in and let my feelings wash over me. I'm not doing that, trying to be "better", more "grown-up" and "adult" and "mature" about things. Biting the bullet. Fighting my own nature, because that's the bad bits about me right? The self wallowing, depressive tendencies that runs through the blood in my veins.
And so I put on a front, a new me. Just as I had found myself again a few months back, I seem to now in the process of forging a new cover.
Is it healthy? Is it easier? Does it help? Perhaps it helps somebody, other people... Maybe I should think about other people hey...?
I'm being facetious and selfish now. All I know is, I love that person and I cannot so easily let go. I've already let her go and it's proving one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Letting go of my own feelings for her as well on top of that, and ignoring the loss and the missing as well... I can't. But I should accept that it's over.
It's illogical. Irrational. But then our relationship was always antithetic. The rate at how things evolved, the speed at which we shared our lives and each other, the pace we progressed our involvement was always our own.
The brightest flame burns the brightest. Why can't it carry on burning?
It burns within me still.
Why doesn't it burn within you?
Or does it but it just hurts you too much?
And you're too afraid of the flame?
"Just because it burns it doesn't mean it's gonna die. You gotta get up and try, try, try"
I feel like by letting go, so easily, I've not tried hard enough, I've not fought for it.
I don't know. All I do know is that when I see you I know I still care for you. And I think about you every day.