Why write this blog

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It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

10 July, 2013

Four weeks, one month, goodbye L.

Four weeks today.
Four weeks ago you asked me to let you go and I said I would.
I have but fuck it's been hard.
There have been hard days, there have been weird days, there have been easier days, there have been mixed days.
Yes, it has progressively got easier. 
Minutes have given way to hours have given way to days. In which I have not cried. 
Minutes have given way into hours when I don't think about you.
Hell, I even dream about you and I have no control over those. But even they have decreased in intensity.
Some days you are no longer the first thing on my mind when I wake up.

Yes I can function. Yes I can work. Yes I have not isolated myself. Yes I have laughed and had fun. I have even managed to stay calm and help others.

Today is not one of those days. Today was/is a mixed day. It started off so well though! But as soon as I had a few moments to myself...!

Thoughts returned. Feelings overwhelmed me. Tears threaten to come. I had to leave, I couldn't help anybody today. And tears have finally come. I've let them. It's been four days, four good days, sincerely, I have felt well. Today not so much. But I'm allowed I think, I'll allow it myself. I'll cry it out. And remember you. Your face, your touch, your words, our kisses, your company, your attention, your photos, photos of us, our music, our playlist. I'm remembering you today, intensely, so I can move on, and forget you.

Why today and not tomorrow? Or yesterday? It's the tenth today, a month and four weeks since those dreadful text messages. It's not a Monday today, it's just a number, an arbitrary meaning we (myself) ascribe to this day. Life would be easier, apparently, if we didn't attributed extra meaning to things and dates and events than themselves actually had. 

I agree, but we can't live our life without meaning: it's difficult enough not believing in God and organised religion and all the meaning that brings to everything, without assigning some meaning to events in your life. You have to.

Here I sit listening to our playlist, the song I used to sing and translate to you. And I know I will be okay. Eventually. My heart is broken, but I am strong. My feelings do get the better of me most of the time but I think I have found a good balance. I will allow myself some time to grieve for you, for it is a kind of grief that I feel for the end of our relationship. In private, on my own, not letting it affect my work, and allowing myself to have fun, and carry on living. Not putting my life on standby.

Today is the exception, yes. But I've been good, I'm allowed a moment, a day of weakness. Today I will not, have not, followed MEC's advice, I have thought about and followed your advice M.: sometimes it's ok to block it out a little bit, delay it all so that time passes, and further down the line is easy to deal with. So today I've left work early. I've taken the night off to go laugh and have fun, I'm in no state to help anyone, so I shall have Friends and games and beer to distract me.

Laughter some say is the best remedy.

I'm not the first nor shall I be the last to suffer a broken heart. It might even happen to me again, possibly even repeatedly! I hope not. It kinda sucks. But it's normal, unfortunately.

Yet I regret nothing. There's very little I would have done differently. And I will treasure that time and those good moments dearly. I have learnt so much! About myself and about being with someone that that cannot be understated.

Acceptance and accepting is proving harder though. But the ultimate question, really, I know, you've asked it of me M., is: would I take her back? If she came to me with regret and whatever words? Would I?

My heart says yes, for I love her. My mind says no, absolutely not, man ego and pride at play. 

But altogether? Rationally? Even emotionally but firmly planted? No. There was a second chance. There were things said that I believed in and were betrayed. And a single promise, forgiven once, broken twice. Not again.

So the answer is no. I love you L., but, as I told you, sincerely, with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes I will let you go. 

I am that person, now. That can let go the woman he loves if it will make her happy, or happier, or is what she desires. Without extra drama and hang ups and chasing and whatnot. No.

And so we come full circle, four weeks, one month, to this day I said I would let you go. I have, albeit slowly. I have and I will.

I love you but I will let you go.

Goodby my love. Goodbye L. x

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