I think I've been stuck in a time loop for the last five/six years.
When I look at my life now and it was like then it is very similar.
What have I learnt?
How have I changed?
Things did change actually and I have changed, but in truth my lifestyle hasn't and maybe it's time that has caught up with the rest of me.
I am older, more experienced, in a way more cynical but at the same time less angry and anxious. More sad some days.
I have loved and I have suffered and I have longed and I have recovered. That was an intense experience that surpassed what I'd had before. Yet, despite all those torrents of emotion it was never consummated, it was unresponded, and I have yet to experience and deal with the other side of a relationship so there's still much to learn I'm sure, eventually if ever...
I am still lacking the drive and the motivation to do certain things to have a certain get up and go in my own personal life, something that I can do professionally, which I have learnt and honed over the last few years but that I have not translated to myself.
And it is in this that I have to grow.and change and move forward. I don't know what I have been waiting for. Somebody to change me? No. Somebody to kick me up the arse? Maybe. In some respects I already got that but not fully, not completely.
The question is why?
Why am I so complacent?
Why do I procrastinate so much?
Why am I so lazy in my own life?
Why do give in to commodity?
I know it's because it's easy, but it does not make me any happier.
All this television and consoles and games are just distractions, a way to fill a void, to pass the time that is easy to give in to. The excuse has always been money, and to a certain extent it still is. I've been trying to be more social and I have succeeded, but I'm afraid I may have left it too late.
That's not fair, it's not late to make friends it's never too late for that and I have been strengthening relationships which has been great, I just have to face up that I'm a grown up, adult life is not about going out all the time, but if you're on your own and you're not in a relationship it's what you look forward to. And what other way is there to find a meaningful relationship if not leaving the house and meet people? For that it may be too late as most people are already in a relationship, most of your friends are married, soon to be or in a stable relationship, so meeting new single people is an act of extreme improbability.
Yet it is what I must do, and in fairness, I have neglected certain people and in turn distance has grown between us, it's my fault for not believing in them fully or for not being able to control my own expenses more efficiently so that I can afford to be more sociable. A mistake I don't intend to commit again and that I need to address.
My day to day must change though. Or better still my time off work must be more productive and more fulfilling. It is wasted at the moment, too often I have hid behind tiredness and lack of sleep.
It is in this that I must change my mindset. That I need to grow up. And become more responsible.
Taking my own life more seriously, kick the sadness and complacency away.
Learn and develop and not let my life waste way in front of a screen.
It is difficult to find the motivation.
This great void that exists in my soul is a greater weight to bear than I realised.
And it is this weight and this emptiness that is dragging me down.
Which I try very hard to suppress and which efforts in the end consume me.
I have been waiting for a saviour.
I think I have a desire to have someone so that I can be saved.
It is not out of a unselfish desire.
It is because I am waiting for someone to save me which is not fair.
It's an impossible task.
How can you ask someone to make you happy if you are not already happy with yourself?
Is it this that drives people away...?