Why write this blog

My photo
It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

29 October, 2009

It's back

The blog is back, and I'm back writing it.

I was forced to do things, but I have done them willingfully, regardless of me liking it or not.

I suppose one should never forget that the internet really is a public domain... It kinda reminds me of a post Librarygirl wrote about fame and having other bloggers (famous ones, like Kim) visiting her blog. Of course, in my case things are never that easy or nice, it always has to be complicated...

So I have just finished a process of auto censoring my blog. I hope it is enough. I really do.

I wouldn't want to change the address again and re-start it all over again. Especially now that I have a few people following it. Of course, I started it for very personal reasons, and I still write it for myself, but it is nice, I'll admit, to have other people writing my stuff and their comments are really helpful. I feel a strange connection for other bloggers that have felt the same desire/need/compulsion to write a blog. It's like a bond of a sort.

Thank you all for following me. Thank you very much for reading. And a great big thank you for all your comments, they have been immensely appreciated.

25 October, 2009

Acquainted with my solitude

I have decided that I need to embrace my solitude. It is part of who I am, whether I like it, want it or not.

Being alone is a great part of my life. And as seemingly that does not look like changing in the foreseeable future I shall have to recognise and accept it as part of myself.

As such, I can have no longer have any no qualms about doing stuff on my own. I have always tried to cover up that fact, either by staying in or waiting to be invited by somebody else. But what's the point? After all, I tell myself that I don't care what other people think, so why do I? Secretly? But no more.

What have I done about it? I have been sad. I have gone to the pub on my own. That, in my circle of friends, existence, society, whatever, is being a little bit sad. This "sad" has obvious negative connotations, but the reality is that I am sad. In general, I am quite sad, not because my life is one big tragedy but because my dissatisfaction is my own. My problems matter to me greatly, although in the great scheme of things, life the universe and everything they may be quite puny.

That said, I do believe that loneliness does strike anyone alive as one of life's great afflictions.

Luckily, I do have good friends. I do have people to keep me company. I do have the ability, seemingly, to reconnect and renew friendships. Which is fantastic, and let's be honest, it is what keeps me going. But...

Friends are very well and good, well, great in fact, relationships come and go and friendships stay, for years. However... it's not the same is it? Having that connection with somebody else where they become the centre of your world, where you can express your love in a way that you can't with friends, whether it be in the form of intimate affection, sex or whatever.

That unique connection of two people, the sharing of feelings, the uniqueness of true love, all of this cannot be explained in mere words, nor, unfortunately can it be chosen, it just happens.

When it does, it is all it matters. That connection is so strong that you are dealing to die for that person.

Well, at least that is what I believe in... Does that make me a hopeless romantic believing in an impossible utopia?

Am I strong enough?


Am I strong enough to let the emptiness wash over me like some vast eclipse of the sun...
Am I strong enough to pretend that everything was ok like the chameleon changes its pigmentation when he needs it....
Am I strong enough to stop the pain and hurt to turn into anger as if I was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...
Am I? Strong enough?

To be myself despite the hurt
To live even though I am empty
To carry on as if nothing happened
To stop the person I am perfecting at work becoming myself

Am I strong enough to resist listening to my rational self?
Am I strong enough to stop my feelings getting in the way of recovery?
Am I strong enough to accept?

Accept that I will be alone for many a time to come?
That I will forever be the eternal friend?
Accept that I will never meet anyone that likes me for who I am?

Am I? Strong enough?

Time will tell, as it usually does...

23 October, 2009

The End?

So, I got what I wanted. I was told the reason for the indifference. CENSORED  Whatever


What can you say when anything that you say or do always seem to be taken completely out of context, or distorted, or misinterpreted?


If I get nothing, I can give nothing in return, surely. CENSORED . It makes me sad.

I did not want that. I wanted to take Sang's advice and retain the friendship. I really did, because I do care. And I rather have that connection than nothing. But it's got to be two way does it not? How can it work otherwise? Is that just me being too demanding? Unrealistic?

I have just met up with a friend from university a couple of days ago. (a bright day in the dark of the last few) We hadn't spoken to each other in a few years. We hadn't met up for about 7/8 years. Not on purpose, just life took its course. He was in the area and we me up, and it was like we saw each other every day. It was great seeing him again. We've arranged to meet up again, he invited me to visit him. There's a friendship renewed. So I know I am capable of having friends, and real sincere friendships, with varied and different people, all over the world.

So in that respect at least I know I am right, apart from death it is one of the things I am most certain of in my life.



It's sad. It could be the end.


It's funny how you can always seem to relate to music. Even songs that you knew inside out seem to take on a new meaning and you can relate to them in a whole brand new way.

Music really is an art form, it touches you deeply and connects to your emotions in unexpected ways. Whilst not my favourite and usual music, I really enjoy just instrumental music, no words, no lyrics, no agenda, just chords and sounds vibrating through your body and tuning in to your soul.

The problem with instrumental music only is that it's all fine and good when you are well, but when you are looking for meaning, understanding and solace there are songs and lyrics that can really uplift you, or at least make you feel less lonely.

Even if they are only short and cheesy like the "frown song"...


That's kind of how I feel. CENSORED  Is that me just being mean? Is that me just being selfish and dramatising problems that probably exist only in my mind and in my heart?

I don't get this indifference. I rather be shouted at and know what somebody feels towards me than indifference. Maybe it's because I'm portuguese, and have latin blood, and we have our emotions too close to the surface so we kind of need to see that in other people. Obviously not everyone, but at least the people we care about.

CENSORED I don't know... I really just don't know... I hate not knowing! That's the worst, I always have had this unquenchable thirst for finding things out and understanding and analysing, not knowing for me is confusing and painful and furstrating.


CENSORED What have I done apart from revealing myself? CENSORED Showing myself? Am I ugly? Repellent?

Sharing really is a delicate business, you expose yourself to somebody else, and hope and trust they will not hurt you. When they do...

21 October, 2009


Not content with feeling sad and dejected and jealous, I still come home, CENSORED , to check if I got messages.

It's pathetic. I am, officially, an idiot. Unbelievable. All the words I can think of right now are swear words... ffs!

20 October, 2009


This is ridiculous! How did I get to this?! CENSORED 


I feel angry and dejected. Yet I shouldn't!! At all. How has it come to this? CENSORED 

I know, I know. Friends expect nothing, judge not and are always there. I know because I believe in it, I preach it! CENSORED 


CENSORED And I don't understand why. It makes me sad. No, that's not the exact word. Maybe disappointed, and confused. Again. I seem to be using that word a lot lately.

I used to be very good at seeing things, now I see nothing. Feelings do really get in the way of a clear mind....


Well, it's been over a week actually. An eventful week though. CENSORED . I break my head open, literally, I had to get stitches!

CENSORED  That it won't change anything for me. That it is now time to move on. CENSORED 


It's not easy reading it, but if I don't I'm afraid to think it was all a dream and that I imagined it all.

If I was confused before, I think I'm even worse now. CENSORED 


CENSORED  I force myself to read that notepad doc often to make sure I remember. That's what I called the document, Remember. It's complicated.

And so a week has passed. Yet I am still sad. CENSORED  Being rejected has not changed any of that. It's complicated.

Wouldn't it be good if there was a switch that you can just use so as not to hurt any more?
Wouldn't it be good if we could choose the ones we love, rather than wait for it to happen?

CENSORED  can one not grow to love someone? CENSORED 


19 October, 2009


A funny thing happened to me two nights ago.

Somebody added me as a friend on facebook. I didn't know who the person was, but I recognised the name, I'm sure I had seen it somewhere. And indeed I had.

It turns out that it was the friend of one my readers, someone I respect very much. A few moments and a message later and we were chatting via facebook. It was very surreal to have struck a friendship and indeed be talking to someone that had only read a few of my posts I had written elsewhere and that was actually a friend of a fellow blogger, one that I respect very much.

It struck me how small this little planet of ours can be. This internet really can bring people together, and I truly feel like I'm a part of this thing that I have heard bandied about, called the "blogosphere". There are only a few blogs I follow, and already I can identify a handful of people, it's like a little community. I'm sure I'll follow a lot more eventually, I mean, I've only started paying attention to blogs a couple of  months ago when I started my own.

Incidentally, and independently of the blog, I have also become friends with somebody very far away. In Ukraine of all places. We are just getting to know each other.

It amazes me that we have this ability to share and be so close with someone so far away. Of course there has always been letters and the internet has been around for a number of years, but it is only now I am starting to see the full implication of it. I think it is the immediacy of it that has surprised me.

Funny world that we live in...

17 October, 2009


It is astonishing that we can go through such an array of different and conflicting emotions in a short period of time, yet we are still able to function. We can still write, eat, wash the dishes and work.
Whilst inside the feelings rage and fight against one another, with your conscious mind trying to quiet the inner struggle.
We really are amazing but complex creatures. This brain of ours that differentiates us from all other life on the planet really is very complicated. Yet it still allows us to live to work through our problems. No one's problems are the same (they may be similar, but they all stem from different circumstances and experiences) but your own are the most important ones. Oh there may be wars and hunger and people dying horribly which of course it is the utmost horrific expression of suffering. But for us, our problems are the worst, yet we feel guilty for this, because of those other people that have had it so much harder than us. But does that makes our problems go away? Does that makes not cry? Does that stop us from feeling? And hurting?
It really doesn't. We just have to be open-minded and non-judgmental about other peoples (friends and relatives) problems and their own demons because for them, as it is for us, they are the biggest thing in the world.
That comprehension and compassion is unfortunately so sorely lacking in this modern world of ours. But, as we evolved in the past, maybe we will evolve some day to a stage where everyone is willing to listen to others and has no desire to cause hurt.

16 October, 2009


And ...

emptiness again. CENSORED  Don't know what to think. Don't know what to do. Don't even know what to feel anymore... I feel like a confused 13 year old girl!! (I imagine, that is)
Each day comes, with its hours and moments.
I fill every minute with activity to stop me thinking.
In the hope that lack of thought will lead to lack of feeling.
So, I while away the time.
But there's nothing there, not really, despite all appearances, it's just a shell.
I've never needed a shell before, why do I now?!
The sun fades and the day is ending...
I'm empty and sad, just a little bit...



Day 2
I was very good. I was determined not to let it affect me.
CENSORED made me stronger and made me fall in love with writing again. I got home and I went running, I felt pleased with myself. That I was able to view it all positively. I was tired, sleep came easily.

CENSORED . I was friendly and "normal" (I hate that word so much, almost as much as "nice"!).

CENSORED The despair, the frustration, the longing. CENSORED  have I really become such a good liar and pretender? Me? That hates lies and deception and dishonesty? Or am I just lying and deceiving myself of late?

Day 3
I stayed at a friends. I feel as if a true friendship is beginning. I value and truly cherish my friends very highly indeed, and it made me happy to feel so welcomed and in the knowledge that these people will probably become part of my very small closed circle of real friends. It is the one true blessing I have in my live.

I went home, I was almost happy I think. It was a new day, I didn't have a hangover, I felt I could cope again, that having new friends will lend something extra to my life. I was watching telly, I was enjoying a great episode of Chuck. I jumped. I banged my head hard in the ceiling partition between the lounge and the kitchen. Split my head open, there was a lot of blood. Had to go hospital, luckily I didn't pass out, I was all alone in the house. Only me, I always do stupid things like that. Even unconsciously I do not allow myself even a few moments of happiness...

I came back home. CENSORED

CENSORED As Sang once told me, the broken are looking for something in men like that that I will never fully comprehend or have. Not that I desire to, but it seems quite unfair on the whole that they can attract beautiful people like that CENSORED

Yet the fact remains. CENSORED 

Day 4


12 October, 2009


I think I dealt with my first day pretty well. I think this whole situation recently has made me concentrate more at work, which in turn means I have been very productive, which strangely, in turn makes me feel better about myself. Funny how things turn out.

I didn't cry.
I didn't loose sleep.

I suppose, in a way, I am much more used to rejection from the opposite sex than acceptance, so for me is perhaps easier to deal with it. Also, I am quite pragmatic. Once something has no solution, and there is only one direction it is easy to follow it. There's absolutely nothing I can do to change someone's feelings, so I just have to carry on and move on.

I thought it would be harder, I have had to talk to myself a couple of times during the day and tell me to not lose it, but all in all I think I did pretty well.

The other decisions I have made about my life were already thought out before CENSORED , so that really has changed nothing, which is a more positive and confident outlook, on life and on myself.

The future will tell. CENSORED in a way making me stronger, and making me fall in love in writing once again. Maybe I will decide to write that novel I have had at the back of my mind for years!

11 October, 2009


And so, it has come. Three simple sentences was all it took. CENSORED 

But it'll be difficult from now on. More than ever...

It is and it will be a new kind of anguish. And despair. A complete lack of direction. A knife wound that I'm not sure I'll fully understand how deep until many months from now...


I have said a lot already, at least I think I have!

Yet there is so much more still so say and be said... I am torn between my conviction and my faltering.

CENSORED How can your rational mind overcome your feelings and emotions? To what extent is that even possible?

It scares me to move on. CENSORED  My rational mind says yes, in the long-term it'll be better. But who jumps into the fire? Because you know you are going to get burned...

And I still don't know for sure. CENSORED


Will my words change anything? CENSORED Could the truth be strong enough...?

So much more to say. CENSORED 

Can the truth outweigh it all? Truth and love??...

The Company we keep

The company of friends is invaluable. More than anything it is your friends that will help you without trying simply by being there. Their company and their presence and their conversation can make you forget all the troubles in the world.

I remember a few years ago, when I used to write letters to people, new people I met on this new thing called the internet, I remember somebody telling me that I spoke a lot about my friends, and I replied that your friends define who you are.

Because more than anyone else, more than your family, they have chosen you and you have chosen them, and you have this great relationship wihere there are no rules, no judgement and no recrimination. Some of my best friends are unfortunately a very long away, yet when we are together it is as if we were together every day.

I am lucky, real lucky, in that respect, in that I have a handful of people in which I trust irrevocably. Which I can call at 3am if I need to, not that I ever have, or would on purpose, but I know I could. Perhaps even more lucky, I think I may be finding new real friends as well, they aren't right now, because True Friendship is a process, a sharing of experiences, consciousness and ideas. They are interchangeable and whichever you start on those 3 premises the other two will eventually follow.

I was kept busy this weekend, it was fantastic. The company of intelligent people with whom you can sit down and enjoy a drink and can actually talk about the most diverse things is something truly precious. Moreover, they are helping me get out of my fat arse and do some sports!! Which can only be good. In addition, they also kept my mind busy, and kept me from dwelling and wondering about things which escape my control, as for example, the mind and feelings of a certain loved one...

But, it is still there...

08 October, 2009


And so it is that today despite previous days resolutions I am faltering.


Is it because I have nothing to look forward to now?

Can I resist and stick with my resolutions?
Can I let my brain overrule my feelings?
Can I switch off thoughts and feelings that easily?

How can I switch off feelings?

Does it have to be so difficult?
Does it have to be so painful?
Does it have to be so numbing?


Oh, were it no so difficult!!

I wrote on my facebook page yesterday and indeed the blog that I rather not be in the limbo. But that is too much like accepting that I am not loved, and that trully and seriously hurts... It's all about the big picture and the long-term my brain tells me, but... fuck it's hard!!

07 October, 2009

Moving on & Acceptance

CENSORED. I decided that I am not cut out for waiting. I cannot live my life waiting CENSORED If I can cut off family I can cut off someone I love, or think I love, if not from my emotions altogether at least from my everyday activities and thoughts. After long enough time, it probably won't matter.

But I cannot sit idly waiting for hurt to come to me. So I will move on. A few weeks, maybe days only, ago I didn't want to believe in it and I was content to sit in the shadows and wait. That's not me however. I may be passive at times, even apathetic at times but in that respect. If I think I love someone I will do something about it. Is that because of my romantic view of what a relationship should be like? Of what a man should do for the woman he loves? It doesn't matter, because it is what I believe in. And act I always will.

What I don't believe in is in staying on the side waiting for tidbits of affection and attention. No, that is not good, and it is driving me insane. I rather go through the anguish and the reality of non-corresponded love than the limbo of waiting. CENSORED

CENSORED  But I don't think I can. CENSORED  or should I just forget, suffer and move on to avoid a more profound and longer suffering?

One of these days it will come to a head. But I shall, resolutely, not be anxious about receiving even the slightest bit of attention, that is not living...


This post was going to be called "Can I wait?" because of my increasing frustration at this insane situation of having to wait for something to happen to give me a chance of being with someone I love.

But whilst I was deciding what to write exactly, and why in my mind I was beginning to feel pathetic at feeling frustrated for not having the same contact I experienced for a few weeks, which basically means I'm in a constant limbo waiting to get hurt at every possible opportunity when a word or a text or a look is not forthcoming, and understanding that this waiting business is probably not for me, I was reading other blogs.

And through Kim Ayres Ramblings of a Bearded One, I was reading Sang Lee's excellent blog Yellow Son. In his post Broken he says at one stage:
"So what do we do when we meet the broken? How do we help them collect the pieces, without getting our own mixed up in the process?
Maybe that’s the idea. Healing is messy a process after all – it always leaves a scar. Maybe we’re supposed to trade the pieces; fill in each others’ missing parts."
Which I thought was beautifully written and I decided at that moment that I was going to follow his blog and decided to leave a comment. All perfectly natural here so far.

But when I read the other comments I had an epiphany moment.

Kim had posted a very insightful comment, for me that is, with his experience and hindsight he has finally made me understand the missing piece of the jigsaw. Probably of my life's jigsaw. He said a very simple thing:
"I remember in school I had all these female friends who would tell me about their bastard boyfriends who treated them like shit. But I couldn’t convince them to go out with me, who would treat them well. I didn’t understand.
This is where I wish I could go back and talk to my teenage self, and say – it’s confidence that’s attractive – more attractive than anything else.
And the teenage girls mistake arrogance, detachment and bullying as confidence, even though these things are the biggest signs of insecurity.
And so my sharing of my fears, worries and why I was unconfident with these girls meant that they treated me as a friend and gave me plenty of support and sympathy, but wouldn’t have ever thought of me as potential mating material."

I have experienced this pretty much all my life, not just with teenage girls. And I never understood it, I always thought that girls like that were just weak. That is, until I fell in love with one of them. And I don't think she is weak, however I still do not understand why she went from an abusive relationship to a slightly less abusive relationship, still with someone that treats her like shit. Maybe now, I do.

I have always struggled with self-confidence. Coming to England 12 years ago helped me immensely, or at least so I believed since. True, I admit that I may not display an outward show of confidence but I do feel a lot more confident than I ever have.

However, is this lack of outward show of confidence my biggest problem? I just thought that I was in touch with my feelings and that crying and being honest and frontal is a good thing. A modern man. And that women were just blind and that one day someone would come along that would not have these prejudices.

However, is it that that still transpires as low in confidence? Does that come out as needy? The fact that I am honest and upfront seen as a weakness? Is it me then, still? And therefore, in Kim's wise words, never thought of as mating material?

06 October, 2009

Good meetings

Here's to good meetings and good meeting days!!

The days started all grey and miserable, a proper winter's day, grey and rainy. The prospect of commuting to Sheffield for a meeting that has proven in the past to be so boring you rather blow your brains out, so weary you rather run a marathon or a complete waste of time most times did not feel me with a great degree of confidence for the day ahead.

Surprisingly it did not turn out like that at all. A lot of the stuff talked about was informative and positive. The other stuff was very helpful indeed and I come out with a lot more confidence in my job and I feel like I've actually learned something. On top of that it finished a lot earlier than expected which meant I was home a lot earlier than normal as well.

So it wasn't weary, boring or a waste of time at all. In fact, I came out of it with a lot more enthusiasm for the work needed for the weeks ahead, and a real sense of purpose.

Happy days, and when that happens that tranfers to your mood as well and puts in a positive state of mind.

If only other things could come as such a good surprise...

04 October, 2009


There are two great words in the portuguese language that have no, or poor translation, in english. They are Fado and Saudade. Saudade can loosely be described as homesickness, but is so much more, because you can feel Saudade of your friends, of good times or that wonderful cake you used to have when you were yound. Fado is much more complex, and whilst as a music genre it often has Saudade as its theme, it can also mean fate, pine for something or a state of being, or even still as I said before, a national identity.

The only English word that I quite like that can comes even nearer to Saudade is Longing. And in its own way is quite ambivalent in its meaning. Not only does mean longing for something that you have had or experienced, like Saudade, but you can also long for something in the future or long for something you do not have. It's like Saudade, but for all spectrum of time, present, past and future!!

And so I long.
I long to not feel sad.
Yes I long.

And so I long.
I long for the day when the emptiness has left me.
Yes I long.
I long to not feel useless.

And so I long.
I long not to feel bad.
Yes I long.

And so I long.
I long for the day when there is no more frustration in me.
Yes I long.
I long not to feel helpless.

That is what I feel.
I feel Longing.
Longing for what in the future I will or could feel.
In the meantime, I feel Longing.

Patience I am told is the key. Waiting also I am told is important, it must be the keyring that hold the keys of patience...

How long can one wait?
How long can I wait?
Can you forever hold your feelings?
Will your feelings hold if not expressed?

How long can one stay aside?
When all I see is hurt with forgiveness?
When all I feel is frustration and emptiness?
Will love and longing hold me together?
For how Long?

Because Longing is what it is, at the moment.