I have decided that I need to embrace my solitude. It is part of who I am, whether I like it, want it or not.
Being alone is a great part of my life. And as seemingly that does not look like changing in the foreseeable future I shall have to recognise and accept it as part of myself.
As such, I can have no longer have any no qualms about doing stuff on my own. I have always tried to cover up that fact, either by staying in or waiting to be invited by somebody else. But what's the point? After all, I tell myself that I don't care what other people think, so why do I? Secretly? But no more.
What have I done about it? I have been sad. I have gone to the pub on my own. That, in my circle of friends, existence, society, whatever, is being a little bit sad. This "sad" has obvious negative connotations, but the reality is that I am sad. In general, I am quite sad, not because my life is one big tragedy but because my dissatisfaction is my own. My problems matter to me greatly, although in the great scheme of things, life the universe and everything they may be quite puny.
That said, I do believe that loneliness does strike anyone alive as one of life's great afflictions.
Luckily, I do have good friends. I do have people to keep me company. I do have the ability, seemingly, to reconnect and renew friendships. Which is fantastic, and let's be honest, it is what keeps me going. But...
Friends are very well and good, well, great in fact, relationships come and go and friendships stay, for years. However... it's not the same is it? Having that connection with somebody else where they become the centre of your world, where you can express your love in a way that you can't with friends, whether it be in the form of intimate affection, sex or whatever.
That unique connection of two people, the sharing of feelings, the uniqueness of true love, all of this cannot be explained in mere words, nor, unfortunately can it be chosen, it just happens.
When it does, it is all it matters. That connection is so strong that you are dealing to die for that person.
Well, at least that is what I believe in... Does that make me a hopeless romantic believing in an impossible utopia?