This post was going to be called "Can I wait?" because of my increasing frustration at this insane situation of having to wait for something to happen to give me a chance of being with someone I love.
But whilst I was deciding what to write exactly, and why in my mind I was beginning to feel pathetic at feeling frustrated for not having the same contact I experienced for a few weeks, which basically means I'm in a constant limbo waiting to get hurt at every possible opportunity when a word or a text or a look is not forthcoming, and understanding that this waiting business is probably not for me, I was reading other blogs.
And through Kim Ayres Ramblings of a Bearded One, I was reading Sang Lee's excellent blog Yellow Son. In his post Broken he says at one stage:
"So what do we do when we meet the broken? How do we help them collect the pieces, without getting our own mixed up in the process?
Maybe that’s the idea. Healing is messy a process after all – it always leaves a scar. Maybe we’re supposed to trade the pieces; fill in each others’ missing parts."
Which I thought was beautifully written and I decided at that moment that I was going to follow his blog and decided to leave a comment. All perfectly natural here so far.
But when I read the other comments I had an epiphany moment.
Kim had posted a very insightful comment, for me that is, with his experience and hindsight he has finally made me understand the missing piece of the jigsaw. Probably of my life's jigsaw. He said a very simple thing:
"I remember in school I had all these female friends who would tell me about their bastard boyfriends who treated them like shit. But I couldn’t convince them to go out with me, who would treat them well. I didn’t understand.
This is where I wish I could go back and talk to my teenage self, and say – it’s confidence that’s attractive – more attractive than anything else.
And the teenage girls mistake arrogance, detachment and bullying as confidence, even though these things are the biggest signs of insecurity.
And so my sharing of my fears, worries and why I was unconfident with these girls meant that they treated me as a friend and gave me plenty of support and sympathy, but wouldn’t have ever thought of me as potential mating material."
I have experienced this pretty much all my life, not just with teenage girls. And I never understood it, I always thought that girls like that were just weak. That is, until I fell in love with one of them. And I don't think she is weak, however I still do not understand why she went from an abusive relationship to a slightly less abusive relationship, still with someone that treats her like shit. Maybe now, I do.
I have always struggled with self-confidence. Coming to England 12 years ago helped me immensely, or at least so I believed since. True, I admit that I may not display an outward show of confidence but I do feel a lot more confident than I ever have.
However, is this lack of outward show of confidence my biggest problem? I just thought that I was in touch with my feelings and that crying and being honest and frontal is a good thing. A modern man. And that women were just blind and that one day someone would come along that would not have these prejudices.
However, is it that that still transpires as low in confidence? Does that come out as needy? The fact that I am honest and upfront seen as a weakness? Is it me then, still? And therefore, in Kim's wise words, never thought of as mating material?