Why write this blog

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It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

25 November, 2010

In between

It's strange, living in this land of nobody, where I should feel like I belong "home": in Portugal where I was born and grew up but don't anymore, and: not quite belonging yet, the place I have chosen to live, my "real home", England, country where I studied, and now work in the career I have chosen.

So, I'm in between, in the land of nobody.

There's many things in Portugal to like, that inspire good memories, a sort of quiet civility where you feel safe and cozy. At least for a little while. It's the lovely food. The nice weather. That incredible place that are the Portuguese cafes (also known as pastelarias) that double up as little familiar bars, where people meet and socialise and watch football and drink expressos and beers (in a tall small glass that are called imperials), where kids are no more out of place than a man on his own. The easily understood language that you know you don't have to try to figure out some words and don't have to worry about how you pronounce others. The friends with their own lives and new experiences. The family with all their idiossicracies.

Yet, all this is no longer intrinsic. It's no longer your own. You're too distant. Too removed now, away from a common societal experience that gives you that sense of belonging. Besides, whilst a lot stays the same, others change, subtly, as is to be expected. That in itself it's not a problem. The problem is when you realise that you have changed also. More importantly, in many ways, you have changed in a divergent manner.

It's your mannerisms. How you think about things. How you react to news, people, situations. It's, ultimately, how you feel.

I was asked, do you often miss and think about Portuguese food? I said sometimes, but that is not exactly true. No, I don't really, not anymore. I just don't think about it. And it applies to everything else as well.

I no longer miss it, not really. Maybe because it's no longer me. Perhaps because I have nothing else left here. There's family, sure, of course there is, and old friends. But that's the past, my past.

I saw on TV today family is the most important thing in the world. And I found myself thinking, is it?

Intellectually I know that is almost akin to some kind of blasphemy, betrayal, a non-sense. Yet I don't feel it anymore, that connection. Through bonds of blood. I used to. I just realised over the last few days that I don't anymore.

Will that make it easier? To leave everything get up and go as I have been debating recently?

Well, family wise I already live far. Some I haven't spoken to in years. Others I have but if I hadn't it would not make any difference, they don't know me as I don't know them. My dad, I don't know, I thought I did, but who knows? My mum, I feel a duty more than anything these days, that's what's dwindled down to.

Friends, my old real Friends, I live far from them already. They have their lives, ever more so, and it doesn't include me in them. I love them dearly but they are the past (M, I know you'll hate me for these words but I know also that despite what might make you feel you know I'm right).

So, what? I'm always complaining/thinking/moaning that people in Leicester aren't my Real friends, maybe in the future but not yet. But I would miss them, that's the reality, they are the people I would miss the most, at least right now. The question here is, are they the future?

My future? Are they? I'm not that close to them, although I know a lot of them for what is becoming a considerable number of years. Will I ever though? They also have their own lives to live and I'm unsure I will ever be a part of it.

The only way, really, is to make my own future. Find the people that will be part of that future. Partner/wife/lover. Friends. Country? Maybe.

Maybe this is it. The moment of zen. As I write these words it all seems to fall into place, at least easily enough justified.

It then becomes a problem of fear, I guess. Of the unknown. Of hunger. Of guilt. Of loneliness.

"Sometimes in order to do what's right you've got to do what's wrong." I read that in a book, recently. "I firmly believe that sometimes it's right to do the wrong thing" I saw that in s tv series, some time ago. Both are expressions of the same general idea. That sometime you need to do what's right for you even if it may seem wrong in someone else's eyes or for somebody. That sometimes that little bit of selfishness is needed. Although the concept and the reach of selfishness is a relative flexible notion.

So yes. I live in between. Not longer in one world, not quite in another. And I'm not sure if I will ever truly belong in either, not anymore.

Do I try a third choice? Do I stick with the current choice, after all I have devoted the last six years to it. If I go for the former is that giving up and throwing the towel? Or on the other hand is it throwing caution to the wind and have the courage to risk everything?

Is it courage or cowardice? It's a shade of grey it's what it is. And I'm caught in it, in my own mind.

I'm in between...




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24 November, 2010

Laughter heals everything

That's it.

It's true though. Music helps also, but the wrong kind can only send you spinning further into the endless spiral of self-pity, despair and exasperation.

But, regardless of how unhappy, grieving or whatever you're experiencing, if you see something funny enough you'll laugh. (not my idea, it was the only thing I got from the second Sex and the City movie, which I was "forced" to go watch!).

And thus, if you laugh, you heal. Just a little more.


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21 November, 2010

A day soon to be lost in time

I remember that day. I will, I suspect, for a very long time.

I remember, your laughter.
Our mutual antagonism, a game we liked to play.
I remember, your smile.
Our abandonment, helped by the ingestion of alcohol.
I remember, your touch.
Our hands playing, our eyes meeting lost in the night without time.
I remember, my happiness.
How I felt that night and the day after, the feeling that we had shared a special moment in our lives, that we had felt that it could have lasted for ever.

Or maybe that was just me. It probably was. It doesn't matter anymore, perhaps it never has, it did to me for a long time.

All it matters is that I remember. That night. Those hours spent together.

Happiness. In a day about to be lost in the inexorable passage of time...



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The more you grow the less you feel...

BLOG IN ABSENTIA

Day 3 - What to feel?

So I did not write yesterday, I guess I was too busy, same today...

More likely I didn't know what to write. Because mainly, I don't know what to feel.

Or rather, I'm not feeling much, I'm like a sinking ship that cannot hold water, I seem to be a draining vessel of feelings.

I know what I want to feel, in my head I believe I know what I should be feeling. Consciously I know I should, and I kinda am but I cannot seem to really feel it.

Cryptic so far I know, a friend of mine always accused me of talking in riddles and being all mysterious, I don't mean to it's just the way it comes out sometimes.

I have a very sick friend. I have had news that the sickness is even more serious than at first thought. And I'm sad. But I should be more, I think. I should be I don't really know, I suppose it's one of those situations life cannot prepare you for until it's in front of you, it's impossible to know how you would react.

Admittedly it's not one of my oldest and closest friends. Should that matter? But if it was, would I react the same way?

Regardless, something compels me to be there for whatever needed, a word, a call, a hug. Is it that just basic human decency rather than any deep feeling of friendship?I'm concerned, of course I am.

But not with a great deal of intensity. Does that make me a bad person? Am I devoid of feelings? Have I lost so much human contact that I have lost the ability to know how to feel instinctively? Have I ever had it...? I don't think so, I never would have believed it, but now...

Or is it just... Another symptom of ageing? Was Billy right?

The more we grow the less we feel?



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19 November, 2010

Day 1 - Surprising Weather

BLOG IN ABSENTIA NOV 2010

So, it was supposed to be raining.

It's my first day of holiday in the beautiful and restful Algarve, and, obviously, I checked what the weather was going to be like. The predictions said rain on Friday, Sunny the next six days (yay!!) temperature between 16/17 degrees which is quite decent, not quite 22 degrees like last year but still pretty good compared to England, where it's currently freezing!

What was my surprise when I got up (late, after eleven hours in bed, oh yeah!) to a lovely sunshiny day. Oh you can see the dark clouds on the horizon but that was a pleasant surprise. Walking in Lagoa and get breakfast in a beautiful morning, great start.

Especially after yesterdays debacle on arrival with the rental car taxi malarkey.

But anyway. I walked through some streets of Lagoa that I had missed before. At the back of this house, that looks pretty posh, not very big but likely pretty old, in their small yard there was a statue of a couple, absolutely lovely, the house looks like it could have been a school maybe at some point but it was pretty cool.

Happy days. Now, to get my money for my rental car from Europcar...

PS - When I got home and switched on the news, President Obama is visiting Lisbon, but it's raining very very hard there!! I just had to laugh, here I am, down South, with the Sun coming through the window. Eheh


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05 November, 2010

Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

I know the title of this post is yours Billy, but it is the only thing this song makes me think of, and feel...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzIK5FaC38w

04 November, 2010

Love happens

I wish I could believe it...

Actually that's not true, I do actually, I irresistibly and hopelessly believe it.

But it just seems to happen to OTHER people...


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02 November, 2010

Last time

...

This it, it has to be said, it has to come out, it just does, I'm sorry I'm too much of a coward to send it to you directly. But, maybe this will be the final purge,:

"I thought it was supposed to have finished as well and for a few months I was convinced it was.

I never knew I made you cry when you were in Leicester nor did I mean it, far from it, I've never made anything up about you or insulted you or anything like that, but you made me cry also.
Why would you cry if you felt absolutely nothing for me? You said so, to my face.

It also makes me sad, however, but you know that with me what you see is what you get, what I say is what I feel, same with my writing. I am aware that my honesty is not cut out for this day and age, often it comes out as, or can be perceived as, rude, blunt, insensitive or maybe even cruel. The me on my blog is my dark side mainly, the one without inhibitions, the majority of my strongest feelings come out through my writing without a doubt. I do have though, I think, some measure of contention and tact when I deal with people (maybe not always, hey I'm only human, not perfect, most of the time I do try to be tactful).
My blog is by my own admission an attempt to express my feelings and thoughts and ideas and exorcising demons. Sometimes things work themselves out in my head as I write them. Other times I write foolish desperate things. And that keeps me a little bit sane.

You tell me about questions, you owe me nothing so I've never asked them. But I can't help express my feelings in whatever medium I choose. I did not name you (or anyone else by that matter) on any of my writings because as you have shown me in the past that sort of thing can get oneself into trouble, both personally and at work. Unfortunately as you are central to the whole charade you are inevitably going to know what I'm on about, but, and this is the important part you don't have to read it. I won't lie that I would like you too read some of my posts and I like it that you have been reading all of them, but if you do you must prepared for all the drivel that comes out. It's been a few days now and I've re-read my post and only a little bit was about you, in no way nasty, and to be fair really, I still have the message you sent me last year and I think I still have a right to be bewildered given the seriousness of what you told me then, that's my right, to wonder at things I cannot understand. And I do wonder, still.

You want me to stay in touch, so do I. But sometimes I don't because I still remember. And because when I do, remember that is, it still hurts. This I have told you, recently, and you said YOU were going to be persistent and wasn't going to give up. So, why the change of mind now, why the surprise?
If I make you cry when I talk about my extant feelings for you or how I deal with them, that is certainly not something I want, but it makes me wonder, why is that? Because of "whatever"? Well... hell!

Lol We're like a bloody family at Christmas :) Always arguing and bickering and going too far at times because somebody can't keep their mouths shut and things come out that should not have been said, especially when they happened after everyone had that bit too much to drink, but in the end everyone loves each other. So you don't talk to each other in January, then for whatever reason you eventually need to get in touch, normality resumes, and when it gets to that time at the end of the year again, you dread it, but still you wouldn't miss it. It's Christmas and it's family right?"

There you go, there it is, plain for everyone to see. I've read today that the road to recovery is only as easy as how much or how quickly you cam let go (or words to that effect) and it's true. I thought I had, but I hadn't.

Maybe now I have.



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Grand gesture

I think I almost had an epiphany earlier, it's difficult to say, I was slightly intoxicated.

Once again, there was a brief moment, like the parting of the seas, when everything seemed to be ever so clear but I don't seem to recall it all right now...

There's something about America that fascinates me, it's a fascination that has abated for a while, years in fact, but it's meeting a revival. After years in England and seeing America through English eyes it certainly changes your perspective regarding it. The dreamlike fantasy view is certainly gone in favour of a more reasoned, measured, learnt approach. Yet, there's something about it... America it's like no other nation on Earth, little past history but plenty of big events. I've read somewhere that everything in America it's just, you know, bigger! That's certainly true. There's an ambition there, a fools innocent hope, an immeasurable confidence and indomitable spirit that it's seldom matched elsewhere.

It's all about grand gestures, great cliches and spectacular deeds. For good or worse. Not a place for the faint-hearted for sure.


Dreams are great! And then reality intrudes... 'sigh' ...

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31 October, 2010

Holiday Journal III

Wednesday - Day 6

Geez, this feels like a Big Brother style narration, on day six, nothing happened...

Which is pretty close to the truth, only left the house to get some food from the shop.

The highlight was going to watch Back to the Future at the cinema, it was ace, I hadn't seen it in ages and certainly never on the big screen.

It's amazing the little things you notice now, the details that make the film awesome be it the music when Marty wakes up to or the car plate on the DeLorean.

At my friends prompting I wikipediaed it, Michael J. Fox was actually 24 when he made the film, which came out in the same year as Teen Wolf, and Doc Brown was about 50 and he is still alive.

Quality stuff!

Thursday - Day 7

Really boring day. Finally sorted out my washing and made headways into tidying my room.

And that was it pretty much.

Oh yeah, popped into work for a bit to get my schedule, which was exciting, closing four nights on my first four days back, and had a bit of a moan with someone, why is it that despite promising myself that I will never complain about anything something always comes up? It's just so frustrating when basic things don't get done or don't happen, which I consider basic that is, maybe they're really not since it seems so difficult for them to occur... "sigh" ...

In the evening I decided that I needed a bit more order in my life and to be a bit more pro-active so I devised a very simple daily/weekly plan to improve upon things. I also think I want to do some type of volunteering, see if I can fit it around work.

And that was it. That's what I done on my week off.


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28 October, 2010

People are fragile things

"People are fragile things, be careful what you put them through."

You are so right Tom, very fragile indeed. We all have our strengths and we certainly have weaknesses. Everyone reacts differently to things because everyone is different, but all have weak spots.

Sometimes these weak spots can be shattered. By others, by events, by circumstances even by themselves.

We all fear something, we are all partial to a specific point of view, a desire, a vanity... Therefore we call all hurt as well.

Hurt can be inflicted by other people, intentionally or not.
Hurt can come to you, because you were reckless or did pay attention.
Hurt can find you, out of the blue when you least expect it.
Hurt can be many things and take many forms.
Hurt can be physical. If the physical is so great that stops you living your life properly, it becomes emotional hurt also. Emotional hurt and physical hurt can be too much to bear. It can be the beginning of the descent into a spiral.

It's so easy to hurt others.
There are those who have become experts at exploring ones fragilities for their own benefit.
It's so easy to let yourself be hurt.
By trusting the wrong people or by opening yourself up and becoming vulnerable.

Words can hurt. I should know.

Life can hurt, but it hurts even more when you see it happening to others. Especially if you care for them.

I don't know where this post is going, all I know is... you can hurt people unintentionally because you forget that they are fragile, and you cannot stop them hurting if they don't ask you for help.

Once again, Tom Smith, you are right:
"It breaks when you don't force it
It breaks when you don't try
It breaks if you don't force it
It breaks if you don't try"



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27 October, 2010

Holiday Journal II

Monday - Day 4

After breakfast I got phone calls from two friends to sort out tickets for Tuesday's entertainment. I went to meet one to purchase the tickets. We were lucky we manged to secure tickets in the corporate area, which was quite nice, it's good to know people with connections.

As it was such a good day I thought it would be a good idea to finally take my car to be washed, weeks of parking outside the house under the tree had not done it any favours, and now as the trees have been pruned, it was the ideal time to get it looking shiny once again. Which it does, it looks almost new.

Quiet evening was on the cards. Sit back and just relax. Almost.

Got texts from different people that were quite upsetting. I spent the next couple hours exchanging texts. And phone calls. It's difficult, and strange, to try and help someone that you know but are not friends yet. It was very distressing, but I am convinced that somehow things will get better little by little, at least emotionally. I just wish I could more.

Tuesday - Day 5

And just like that more than half the holiday is gone. Really not going away does not feel like a proper holiday, but some rest was found.

A little bit of a boring day if I'm to be honest, spent the day trying to play the Football Manager demo and failing, my computer is simply too old. But oh well, I can still use it for typing etc.

Then to the evening's proceedings. Meet up with friends in the pub pre-game, got some drinks and food. Then on to the match, Leicester - West Brom for the Carling Cup. met some of our friends outside in the queue t oget in, talk about timing. The game itself was entertaining enough, at least the first half, second half it petered out, it wasn't a good day for Leicester in the end unfortunately.

But it was good to go to a live match. I do enjoy watching live football, the atmosphere is the key really. Not that it was that much of an atmosphere, but the away fans certainly made themselves heard, I was quite impressed.

I will never forget two games I went to see Benfica in: one in the old stadium, a pre-season game that was also the last game of Michel Preud'Homme one of our greatest ever goalkeepers and one of the best in the world at that time, not only that but Benfica's prodigal son Rui Costa was on the away team and he scored, he did not celebrate, he actually cried such was his devotion to Benfica, quite something. Then a few years ago, a set of circumstances that allowed me and my friends to go to a Champions League in the new Benfica stadium agains the giants of Manchester, United took the lead and everyone thought right that's it, but somehow I had a feeling the night wasn't over, and I was proven right as Benfica scored twice more to turn the game around incredible scenes in the stadium, the noise and the level of support too intense to put it into words, you just had to be there.

25 October, 2010

Holiday Journal

Day 1 - Friday

Woke up late, went out to buy breakfast.

Afternoon reserved for laser eye appointment, and I am suitable! Very expensive though... :(

Followed by random walk in town. Bought a book that I had been waiting for more than year, third in the trilogy. Ended up buying a silly computer game as well. Oh and cookies, from Millies Cookies, hmmm!

Evening, dinner and then playing of said silly game, which kept me very distracted until about 1am.

Day 2 - Saturday

Chat with housemates, happens rarely, was nice.

Went for a drive and get my hair cut.

On the way back met friends at supermarket, ended up going for a quick drink at the pub.

Later in the evening, went out for friends birthday. It was good to talk to people outside work, as invariably turns out that my friends are synonymous with my co-workers. We actually had quite cool and deep conversations, it was fun. They ended up dragging me to a club that is not my type (I think they were trying to get me drunk so that'd enjoy it) but left after about an hour or so.

Not content with my day, I got home and wrote/typed a drunken post on my blog. Apparently you tell the truth when you're drunk, perhaps, but then a lot of people do horrible things when they're drunk... Not that I am like most people mind!

Day 3 - Sunday

Woke up late and feeling a little bit rough.

Got up got some food and popped in to work to get my schedule (as I had no idea what shifts I was working after my holiday) and to see the birds.

The real kind, the birds, of the avian type! We were running a marketing promotion which involved a chap from a nature centre bringing in owls. Which you could hold and stroke. Beautiful animals, there was a tiny one a burrowing owl that looked like a minute falcon from America, a barn owl and a tawny owl. Their feathers were so soft! The kids were loving them, there was so much interest, good stuff.

Went to meet friends in the afternoon and watch the football in the pub.

Evening went to see a movie at the cinema with housemates.

Culminating with my latest post idea to write about what I did on my holiday. Four more days to go.


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24 October, 2010

Inexorably...

 I was out today, it was fun, it was my friends birthday. Other friends came along. Good times, they took me out of my comfort zone, different place, different music, I won't deny I was reticent, but at the same time I was keen to go with the flow. And it was good, I was a little bit square, but eventually I did join in.

And then... I realized that J could be more than a friend/acquaintance. Can't say I'm in love or anything dramatic like that, but I certainly fancy her somewhat, I suppose it is natural when you get to see someone outside a restricted environment you only know them from.

Anyway, too complicated or whatever, too many what ifs, too many uncertainties, too many rocks that need not be turned.

And on the way home I was thinking of what could have been with her... wrong!

No, my thoughts turned inevitably towards somebody else entirely. Such is the way with a crazy mind such as mine. I was close to texting, I really was, but why? No, at this time especially, what, just no.

So the one that kept creeping up and made me think was that what hurt me the most, was not the divergent stories, the varying attitude and behaviour. None of that, all of it I could see past. In fact, I did for a while, against better judgment. I mean I should be getting over it right?

What made me not text, is the same reason that has kept me from communicating and I have tried so hard not to as well, because I just can't. And it is only today that I understood why. As they say in The Matrix you cannot see past the decisions you cannot understand. Well, I did today.

I understood that what's hurt me the most was see you going back to the crazy one. Worse still, seeing you with him, physically, I don't think I would have believed it otherwise. It doesn't matter any other circumstances events and etcs. But after all you've told me, everything that he did, supposedly... I remember accusing you of something and you told me all that he did to you, and that made me feel so bad for accusing you that I was sick to my stomach and was the first time in a long time I actually cried about/for somebody. So, how could you? Get back to him, HIM?? Regardless of whatever reasons, it's just bewildering.

All this to come to the conclusion that I may fancy someone, I may get close but it will be difficult to find somebody to love again. I have not looked for it, not really. As my friend advised me, "don't look for it, it'll just happen when you least expect it", he was certainly right there, but oh in what circumstances!

I will only stop loving you when I find someone else I may love again. It only took me seven years in between my last two so.... And even then, the feelings I had will never truly be gone, just as I still love A and L in the same way I did, it's just that time and distance wears away, and new love pushes the feelings further back in exchange for stronger ones for someone else.

Is it possible to love someone I fancy?
Is it possible to love someone I have known for some time?
Is it possible to grow love out of something else?
If you look at poetry and literature over the years you can grow to love someone, apparently.

But in my case, I have always known, straight away, with time only re-enforcing those first impressions. I means it's not supposed to be logic anyway right? But still, it would be nice to think that someone like J, or even G, are people that I may somehow actually develop some kind of meaningful relationship with.

It is possible?
Is it worth pursuing?
Is it within my power to make it happen?
Make someone fall in love with you?

Even if... I do it so I can just put you out of my mind...

14 October, 2010

Ups and downs

Interesting week it's been this one. Almost a reflection of my past year all in seven days, a week of complete contrasting days, like seasons and weather.

Can't remember Wednesday I think I was at work. Actually I remember a conversation with a friend/not a friend that lead to me saying a lot of things that I needed to get off my chest. I guess that's how I got to be in a really mood the next day.
Or maybe it was because I had a day off Thursday, even though I spent it taking care of work related stuff. But it was pretty cool working things out and coming up with a plan of action. Later in the day I got a phone call that potentially changes everything and that got me depressed. Found myself analysing things, life the universe and everything and I think I realised that what I thought I had been wanting to do for a while now I cannot, I'm not ready. Spoke about it with a friend/not a friend but did not reach any conclusions.
Friday morning pretty much started with all those thoughts whirling around but with no time to work them out. As it so often happens work gets in the way of life. I was so busy I did not have to think, about anything. Which in the end was probably a good thing because it stopped me from brooding. By the time I finished work it had been a good and productive and fairly satisfying day.
Saturday was strange, unusual start at work, had stuff to do from the word go and immediately got on with it. By the end of the shift things starting getting strange. In my head. I left feeling miserable, sad, maybe even a little bit depressed. I thought a change if scenery and some quiet would be a good idea so I went to stay at a friends place.
Mission achieved, rested a lot, enjoyed the quietness. Woke up late on Sunday. Was in no mood to brood, consider, decide. Soon got restless, so went back home. Got bored went to watch a film. Went back home still did not feel like being alone, so out of the house again, another movie. Sad again, on my own, the saddo that I am as my friend pointed out. Went home watched the two new episodes of House, really enjoyed it.
Monday funny day, longer than usual, have had better ends to a shift, and ended up staying an extra 2/3 hours. Not the nicest of days.
Determined to get things done on Tuesday went in full of energy at work. Got organised, set things in motion. Very busy day, another long day, stayed on two hours more again. A lot achieved but was disappointed with the lack of support and teamwork. Left to go home feeling dejected. Decided not to let it get to me. Got some beers to watch the football with. Ended up texting a friend/new friend in need of help and company which in turn kept me from being lonely and brooding on things.
Today was odd, but kinda good. Reconnected with friend/to become true friend work went ok finished on time for once.

So yeah, from happiness to confusion to active to depressed to largely meh and neutral to sad to neutral to glad, in the space of seven days or so.

Still worked nothing out. In terms of changes or what to change or figuring out what is wrong. I guess I kind of reckon that I'm not ready for a total big drastic change get up and leave sort of thing.

I thought I did, I really did. Now I'm not so sure. I look around and I see possibilities, people I can/am? friends with, a crazy job which challenges and frustrates me in equal measures (maybe not equal that's starting to be re evaluated), a place I enjoy living in if not necessarily the house. But then how much do I want to live on my own? Another one to figure out. I need time, to figure all this out.

I was supposed to have done that a couple of weeks when I was on holiday but I didn't realised how exhausted I had been because all I did was rest and recover.

Luckily I do have another week off coming up. A week of crazy business at work but then off. Seven whole days this time, not six.

Hmm. Day off tomorrow. What will it bring??

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08 October, 2010

One of those days

Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sux
You don't really know why
I feel like shit
My suggestion is to keep your distance cuz right now im dangerous
We've all felt like shit
And been treated like shit
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break somethin' tonight...
Give me somethin' to break

FD-LB

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07 October, 2010

Loser...

'cause i'm an idiot, a loser,
a microphone abuser i analyze every second i exist beatin' up my mind
every second with my fist and everybody wanna run,

06 October, 2010

Limbo

Don't know if that's the word, I was looking for something more along the lines of torn or undecided but I guess limbo is a word to generalise what my current life us at the moment.

Work - limbo.
Future - limbo.
Love life - limbo.

How come is it that I can make a decision and think it's the right thing to do because otherwise it'll just carry out hurting more and still not be happy with it?

Or by the same token, be really happy despite that decision and glad with some words only for seconds later to feel instantly sad a little bit morose.

Oh the curse of what could have been. The curse of wanting to move forward. The curse of being unable to.

Alas, for that strange little thing called love...

I'm sure it can be blessing but for me...

All it causes me is indecision.
Confusion.
Indelible internal scars.
Heart torn apart.

And for what? A thought? Desire? Pursuit of the impossible? Inescapable conflict is the result.

Yes, conflict. Of emotions. Thoughts and feelings battling each other for a space in the light that is far far away.

How to answer? How to act? How to... be?

Who knows...

Give me a sign.
No, don't give me a sign.

But, no. I cannot.

Can I?...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

05 October, 2010

So close

Moments arise perchance in your life that you can later identify as pivotal.

It may even be that on occasion you can be aware of these moments as they are happening to you.

I have had a few of these, and on a couple I was completely aware of their far reaching potential to be agents of change at their very time of being.

I have not had one of those moments today. But it was identifiably a near one.

It has been coming. For a few weeks, if not months and perhaps years. I have been most certainly aware of that feeling, in the background, that something is very wrong that somehow things should not be as they are.

It is a struggle, an inner battle, an unseen fight between the unconscious incoherent feeling of general wrongness and the trivial daily reality of the logical mind.

But on those moments it is as if the field has cleared, the spoils of war are laid bare and all is then clear.

No I did not have of those episodes, but I did have a glimpse of clarity. It did not last long enough to completely overtake me, albeit if a very strong nature. The impulse to act on it was great indeed, and my hand went towards the phone.

My vision clouded again, my will faltered and the impulse did not prevail. This time. I sense it though, the time is coming. Not this time though.

Close, for sure.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

New Day, New Dawn, New ...

Life?
Attitude?
Decisions?

All this life is such a fleeting moment in time
All but a moment of awareness in which we seemingly live outside time and space
All that there is ever left are minutes of you, imprinted in pictures and movies
All there can be are memories that live on on the mind of others that shared those moments with you

Carpe diem we're told
Seize the day
Chase your dreams
Live for the moment
How exactly are we supposed to do this?
Being completely reckless and irresponsible?
Enjoy your moments, for happiness is only ever found at spaces of time
But how to get those moments?
Does it involve a lot of alcohol?

Is satisfaction looking back and knowing that you have had more enjoyable times than boredom ones?

If the answer is no, what then?
What if it's too late?

Do you change the future to correct the past...?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

02 October, 2010

And so it is...

And so it is...

That I sit here on my own
by choice, by want, by complete apathy

That I have chosen to be alone
I laughed and I distracted myself

But so it is
It has come to this
Somehow somewhen in my mind

How when why
Have I become so sombre
Unsocial, boring and apathetic

Yet, in the midst of all the stupidity and loneliness and incoherence unexplainable I still managed a tiny glimpse of inspiration, however meagre and lacking on quality:

"Together in the abyss of boredom
We shall know no fear nor fear no doom
Together in mind and spirit
We shall live forever in the wings of eternity"

That was me. It came out of thin air, in conversation with a friend.

Which just reinforces the dichotomy of what it is to be me, a true oddball.

Yes, I am so odd... But that, for me, is a compliment!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

01 October, 2010

Perspective

Sometimes things happen that make you look at life and people and stuff around you differently.

A change in perspective, a kick up the arse you could say, an ever so slight but fundamental shift in your mindset.

With me is caring about somebody else. Caring and thinking about someone else's wellbeing changes my outlook on things, my normal chain of thoughts even my feelings.

When I do, I don't have time to look or worry or feel sorry about myself. Yet that makes me happy, makes me feel alive.

And I'm a changed person then. Why, I wonder, have I not pursued it further. Looked into it, really seriously.

Maybe there's still time. Perhaps...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

18 September, 2010

Resisted the urge

No text no call no nothing.

Oh the usual suspects did, sooner or later, in one form or another, as I knew they would.

It was a strange affair. Not the worst, I know that, of course not the best but certainly surreal. Having to go in for a review was not desired. An unexpected visit and associated act of kindness was very nice and much appreciated.

Boredom quickly settled in. Some friends came to the rescue which salvaged most of the night.

Right at the very end though my thoughts turned south yet again. Will I not be free of this non-sense? Regardless, the feeling was very strong, and an idea formed to send a last minute text. The contents of this to be written text were also pretty much concluded, in my head.

I struggled. Should I? Maybe if I changed the content. Should I, really? What purpose would it serve other than perpetuating said non-sensicalness? Yet I wanted to.

Porque queria, queria falar contigo. Neste dia de dias. Apesar de recentemente não o querer fazer, mas isso era apenas a mágoa a ressurgir. Queria ouvir a tua voz. Ou pelo menos saber que estavas a pensar em mim. Eu sei que me mandaste a mensagem no dia errado há dias antes, mas não sabias ter descoberto o dia certo?

Yet, I did not. I resisted. Resisted the urge to go back and carry on acting down a futile path. I did nothing. Did I feel better? I felt resolve, certainly.

Almost 24 hours have passed. Do I think differently now? No, I do not. But how do I feel? I feel I did the right thing.

Yet, why am I writing about it?

Yet, why?... After all this time, events, words, circumstances, distance etc. Why?...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

All these years...

Why? I was asked today.
Why is it that after thirty three years I am still single?
Is it that I'm a cold person? I consider myself affectionate but do I keep people at bay because I do not show it?
Do I project an image of someone cold?
Is it that I'm just socially inept?
What is it?
Why am I still single?
I wish I knew the answer because if I did I would most certainly not be.
If I know something for sure is that it is not by choice.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

16 September, 2010

What if tomorrow was the last day of your life? Part III

What indeed?

I have tried to think about what my answer would be, and there's several scenarios I can conjure up, although these seem to be dependent on what mood I'm in.

If we take it at face value and assume on a full day, say, you found out at 8am that you had 24 hours to live at best.

There's two ways I think it would go for me. I would go and visit the people dearest to me and I would go and do something I wouldn't normally do or that I have always afraid to do.

Starting with the latter there's two things that spring to mind, bunjee jumping and parachuting. Swimming with sharks sounds suitably dangerous but I don't think I'd be able to find a place within a day.

On the former, visiting people, a quick trip to Huddersfield to see Darren and to Bristol/Gloucester to see Alex. I would then borrow money to get airplane tickets to go to Lisbon to visit Magda & Ricardo followed by a quick journey to Povoa and VFX for dad and Telmo. I'm undecided on Alverca but I think in the end I would stop by for a quick wander around.

Finally I would borrow even more money and get plane tickets to New York, as my passion for the Big Apple has been re-ignited of late.

Nevertheless, I do believe that one of the first things I would do though, would be to go down south and say something to someone in person that I have ever only told by way of online or text message. Although I have not been certain of this in the last couple if weeks.

Maybe if I stopped in Alverca I would visit A and plant a great big kiss on her, married or not.

Another thing I'd still like to do is to track down Sonia, she has disappeared of my life and that had always disappointed me.

Who really knows until you are in that position?
You would just act out of impulse surely.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

07 September, 2010

What's not to love

What indeed
Don't know what I love most
Being taken for granted or being always the one having to give in

I think I may be bipolar, mood swings extreme states of heightened emotions punctuated by extended periods of solid boredom
Or maybe that's just harsh on people on people that are genuinely bipolar

Is it the passion that's gone?
Is it that I cannot hold on a straight line?
Is it that the fire has burnt out and the fuel is no more?
Is it the anxiety?
Or is that just another euphemism for frustration?

Could I?
Would I?
Should I?
Be strong?
Brave and fearless?
Leave all emotions feelings and other baggage behind?
Without looking back...?

What's not to love?
When there's no one to love
When loneliness beats boredom
What's not to love?
When there's no one loving you
When even the thoughts in you head are louder than the wind outside
What's not to love?
When your life is less than your work
When you rather not call visit travel than confront the reality if misery abandonment and disgrace

And yet, what is that compared to nuclear war?
World famine?
Cancer?

...

What's not to love?

About this life...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

04 September, 2010

NH

Oh where art thou?
I miss thee.

Despite all my best efforts time has not erased you from my memory, from me!

Oh where art thou hast?
I miss the times we didn't spend... Isn't that a song by someone?

Despite all my determination the joke is on me and them crazy things do not leave me, I think they're called feelings or something.

Oh where art thou?

Sinto falta de ti, sinto falta das nossas conversas parvas, das idiotices. Tu eras aquela, uma de muito poucas, muitíssimo poucas mesmo. Sinto falta do teu riso inebriante, da tua presença e da tua disposição contagiante. Porquê? Não conseguia explicar. Porque mereces? Perguntaste-me, não te consegui convencer. Mas sabia-o. Soube-o. Não sei bem como nem como o explicar mas mesmo passado este tempo todo que apesar de apenas 6 meses parece 6 anos continuo a sabê-lo apesar de o ter tentado negar e desejar que nunca tivesse existido,

Oh, onde estás?

Amei-te. Será possível que ainda assim...

Continue a amar-te?

Apesar da distância
Apesar das desavenças
Apesar das intrigas
Apesar da mágoa
Apesar da ira
Mesmo assim, apesar de tudo...

Amo-te...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone (Tuesday, 10th August)

NH2

Amo-te.

And yet...

I cannot talk to you
I can't
I thought I could
I wanted to

But it's too painful
There's too many memories
Too much hurt leftover
From the debris you left my heart in

I thought it was healed
I thought I could forget
Ignore, separate
I thought I could be the better man

It worked, for a while
Maybe it'll work again
But it's difficult

And your kind and nice words now come too late
Too late for comfort

Maybe...
I'm just emotionally unstable
Socially incapable
Hopelessly unable

And yet...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

22 August, 2010

Beau, beautiful, schön, hermosa, belissima,..!

"You were the one, the one I most wanted 
To give me comfort and company 
It was only with you that I dreamed of walking 
Everywhere and who knows elsewhere? 
Perhaps marry

Oh what I went through, just for loving you 
The saliva that I spent trying to change you
 But your world was stronger than me 
And not even with the power of music, it moved

Even though I knew you didn't liked 
I sold my ruby ring
To take you to the concert 
In the Rivoli

Only you were the one I most wanted
Beside me in the concert that day 
Together in the darkness, holding hands listening to 
That song always crazy louder and louder

But you didn't you stay even half an hour 
You didn't make an effort to like it and you went away
From you I learnt a great lesson 
You don't love someone who doesn't hear the same song It was on that day that I realized 
Nothing else could be done for us
My passion for you was a fire 
Without wood to burn"

RV - 1990

PS -
Oh what a simple picture, a photograph, can do...
Bringing on memories, memories and feelings, and times gone by...
More, bringing on what could have been...
A different live, other choices, unknown outcomes...
And yes, love can survive a long time: 10, 11, 12 years or more.
Or is love just an illusion? Is it just passion? Or lust? A simple fancy of the mind?
Whatever, whatever it is, was or may be...
I wish I could be, On that picture, With you
A simple picture, a photograph, stirs emotions still...

12 August, 2010

What if tomorrow was the last day of your life? Part II

Would you...

Buy a ticket to a dream place like the Bahamas?

Go to a big hotel and living it large and max your credit card?

Tell your boss to get lost?

Sleep with as many people as possible?

What would you do?

Really?

When you think about it?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

11 August, 2010

What if tomorrow was the last day of your life? Part I

What if...
Tomorrow you were to experience the world for the very last time?
Tomorrow was the last time you could feel and taste and see and touch?
Tomorrow you were to experience life for the last time?
Tomorrow was the last time you could feel the blood in your veins, your heart beating in your chest, a slight breeze in your hair, the touch of a lover...?

What if...
Tomorrow you learned you had a specific terminal rare kind of cancer?
Tomorrow a terrible international event provoked World War 3 and nuclear weapons could strike you at any time?
Tomorrow scientists announced that they had missed a massive comet due to hit the Earth and wipe out where you live?
Tomorrow the world would end?

What if tomorrow was the last day of your life?

What would you do?
How would you feel?
Where would you go?

If tomorrow, your life was no more...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

04 July, 2010

Jinx

(written about a month ago but never published)

Did I tempt fate?
Did I have too high hopes?
Did I get ahead of myself?
Am I sad, annoyed or frustrated? I cannot decide...

Is it too soon?
Is it too much to expect?
Is it? I wish I could see the future...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

03 July, 2010

Duality II

So, yeah...
Interesting times I live in, as Pratchett would put it...
Funny night today, and couple of days. I'm sure that makes no sense!
Basically it's been funny, in a kind of bad way because I sent a message yesterday which as gone thus far unreplied to, so it leaves me to wonder whether the interest has waned and I'm gonna be left in the dark, or could it just be that I am once again overthinking it?! Well I'll soon find out, perhaps to my doom...!
On the other hand I've had a couple of frustrating yet productive and busy days at work that I've quite enjoyed, because I'm crazy, clearly, enjoying work!
And also because my friend came to visit, or shall I correct that, my Friend came to visit. He brought his girlfriend/fiancee and we had a grand time. At least I did, he's a very lucky man, his missus is an absolute pleasure to talk to and very friendly indeed! At one stage it looked like he was bored but me and her were still chatting away!!
How odd, he's one of these people that by life circumstances I lost touch with for a while, but it's as if we were never apart more than a couple of days and after meeting his future wife we got along so well I felt I've known her forever as well, he certainly picked a fabulous girl, I'm quite happy for him.
I'm also really pleased he's come down to visit because I truly regard him as one of my true friends and it was so nice to meet his partner.
I kinda have this secret desire that if things go right with A we could all get along pretty well, that is, if A replies to my message and things move forward... I had such high hopes!!
Note to self: Stop overthinking things Cabral, stop it now!!!

So yeah... It was a pretty cool night, happy days!

If only I'd get that reply...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

01 July, 2010

Unfounded

My fears in the end turned out to be unfounded.
All was good, I got there first.
There's a shift in luck and circumstances for me.
All there is to say... It was a lovely evening...!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Second Date

So, yeah second date, I suppose I can call it that now! Besides all the worries and concerns and anxiety that I tend to get when I over think things it's not started off well.
I'm excited I've been looking forward to it I decided what to wear etc. but...
I was late. And I have no network coverage, so I can't call or text her. I tried to call from my home phone but straight to answer phone, maybe she's having the same problem.
The thing is, I am late so don't know whether she's been and gone or running late herself.
And now I'm starting to over think it... Did I unconsciously self sabotaged it? Should I not care because if she can't wait she's no good for me? How would have I felt if the roles were reversed? How long would have I waited? How long indeed will I wait? It is no one else here do it's a little bit intimidating and exposing. Shall I ask the barmaid if she's seen her earlier? Should I just be patient?
Logically I should with patience but when has logic ever mattered in this kind of situation??
So is this to be the date that never was? The one that got away because I couldn't be on time? Which is quite like me...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

14 June, 2010

Intensity

Why is that I always have to get overly excited and just go that one step too far?
I always say too much, do too much, feel too much.
Just a little bit over the top and too intense for the vast majority of people. I think that's how I scare people away. I don't know I'm just crazy I guess...

PS - Note to self: do not send anyone XIX century poetry and expect them to like it / understand it

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

13 June, 2010

Saturday 12th June

Today was a good day. Today could be the first day of the rest of my life.
:)

09 June, 2010

On the nature of writing and others

I can't believe it's been another 9 days since my last blog post, I must be like the worst blogger in history so irregular are my posts. Which is fine since hardly anyone reads it anyway :)

But as I write mainly for myself I probably should make more of an effort. The truth of course, is that you always kinda want someone to read what you write, and comment on it, whether it's good (so you can feel all warm and mushy inside) or it's bad (so you can be angry and refute everything point by point).

My blog entries seem to follow a pattern in all of my writing. Before I had a blog I used to actually physically write (not "computer-write" which is typing!). On a notebook, or several or A4 sheets of paper. All in similar to a blog really, some kind of a personal diary journal thing when I felt like it, which is exactly what a blog is, except other people can read it because  it's on the internet, with all its pros and cons.

Anyway, the pattern is that I tend to write more when I am feeling negative stuff, vaguely depressed, unhappy, hurt or frustrated. I have always found in writing an escape that I never have with anything else, be it music, alcohol or going out, which is just as well because it's much cheaper and healthier!

This blog was born out of frustration and hurt and confusion. It was initially called Wallowing in Self-Pity. And wallow I did. I got my heart broken. I was almost with other people because of it and because of her. But I sorted it out. And I stopped wallowing, and changed the name of the blog. And I guess the nature of the posts changed slightly. But still the overall main reason for writing still seems to be when I'm in a down mood. I don't want to, I really want to just write, to have the consistency and determination and discipline to write every day, or every other day. Unconsciously or not, I just don't.

I don't because I don't feel the need. And unless I think about it or I am sitting at my computer I just don't write. It really has become a sort of anti-depression drug for me. I take it and depending on the severity of the condition it takes a few days or a few weeks to heal.

Hm. Strange. But that's me, strange. My friend hates it when I say that I'm weird. But I like being strange and different. Let's call it quirky...

So, I survived the work craziness, and it looks set to continue, but for now I have a few days off. Roll on the football.

Decided not to go the festival, for several reasons. It's going to be raining loads, I would have had hardly any time to buy stuff and get ready, it's just five days I can go next year, I decided to utilise the money and buy myself a shiny new TV which was what I intended to use my bonus for in the first place anyway and I reasoned that I will use for more than 5 days (besides the World Cup is about to start so this was a good time) and in this way I can help out the guys at work since the craziness is set to continue.

Have had some interesting internet conversations and texts. Things are developing that can transform into new things. Not holding out much hope, but it's something. Which is generally regarded as better than nothing, apparently. So I'm kinda of apprehensive, sceptical, and hopeful all in one.

We'll see what the future brings.

31 May, 2010

Work Marathon

I'm still alive!!!
I've now worked ten days straight without a break, including fourteen hours last Friday! Surprisingly, I'm ok, a little bit more tired than usual but not too bad at all. I do have several aches here and there but I think they are leftovers from the last football match, when I say match it was more of a kick-about in the park following an afternoon of beer drinking in a beer garden in the rare English sunshine.

I think more than anything I like being busy and even though I'm getting weary I feel strangely refreshed, because I've been in so many days on a row things at work are running like I want them to and I feel I've got more control.
I might as well admit it, maybe I am a bit of a control freak, a little touch of OCD...!
Well, I still have three more days of craziness to take it to fifteen days straight! I don't think I'll know what to do with myself on my next day off!!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

11 May, 2010

Right handside

I sleep on the right handside of the bed. I sleep on a double bed, but I don't sleep in the middle of it. I didn't mean to, I've just realised that I do. Is it because it's closer to the bedside lamp so I it's easier to turn it off and read my books?

I have two pillows in my double bed. I only use one. Well, sometimes I use both if I'm watching a film in my room but I only sleep on one.

The one on the right handside of the bed.

My room is my inner sanctum, it's where I can listen to music quite loud, where I play my computer games, browse the Internet, chat to my friends around the world, sleep. It is a testament to a batchelor, posters on the wall etc. It's a desperately lonely place.

Though most places feel lonely these days. England especially is making me feel quite alone these days. A lack of real friends does not help with that, people I know here and are friendly with can be quite good company, others however not so much. Although I seem to be quite good at sabotaging current relationships anyway due to my propensity to alienate people with my stupid pride and big mouth.

I have real friends, I know real friendship, I know I can be one, I'm lucky in this I know, others are not so fortunate as I. But I left them all behind, many many miles away. It was my decision, it was my choice, I stand by it, it's just hard at times when I have no one like that here, at least in Leicester, not necessarily the whole of England.

But the truth of the matter is that regardless if where I am or whom I am with or nearby, it'd make no difference. People have got their own lives, they're busy living it.

They've got somebody that sleeps on the left handside of their bed...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

10 May, 2010

I'm ok, seriously

It was a good day today. Some good sport on tv, the sun shining, a proper lazy Sunday afternoon (finished late last night had a bit of a lie-in). Watched the formula 1 got bored with that, watched Leicester on the play-offs against Cardiff for a bit got bored with that as well so watched an episode of Fringe instead. Was going to watch premiership football at four o'clock but both games were boring so I gave that up. Later on I listened to Benfica's match on the radio (Portuguese football, Benfica is the team I've always supported), last game of the season could be crowned champions after five years ifbthey won. And they did, they won!!! Benfica are champions again, I almost cried with emotion listening to the fans in the stadium and the players, fantastic achievement! Brilliant I'm well pleased.

Then went out for a drink with a friend, ended up in this bar that serves the best nachos with chilli beans ever!! Got home and got a call from my best friend in Portugal, she has recently given birth to a little girl called Maria João, so sad I can't be there with them but such is life hey? Then later on her husband (also one of my best friends, in fact I've known him the longest) called me as well, he was out celebrating Benfica's victory, you can't imagine what it must have been like in Lisbon, the whole city must have come out on the streets, all I could hear were car horns and people cheering! Benfica are huge, there were Portuguese people celebrating in France as well, Paris I think.

Happy times, it's these moments we live for! The little things people, the little things...

04 May, 2010

Unsung hero

I think Unsung Hero would be a good title for a book.
It's got so much potential. It could be a story about somebody who is always underrated, overlooked, underestimated, forgotten, ignored. It could be a book of poems about how he feels, thinks, acts. A one-liners collection of pronouns and adverbs, expressing his thoughts ideas and dreams.

It could be my autobiography. I'm feeling close to descending into self-pity once again. I can see how people say that that is the easier route to take. It is so much harder to deny one's emergent feelings than submerge them and try to look and feel positive, even if those feelings are somehow selfish and presumptuous and prepotent. The truth is that they are probably a blanket of protection, a self-fulfilling comfort zone of emotions and feelings to compensate for the otherwise stronger destructive effects of frustration and hurt, disappointment and deception. When that blanket fails, the next available avenue is the self-depecrating attention seeking attitude, calling out to someone for the comfort which you cannot find within yourself.

Or you simply don't, don't let yourself fall under, slip up, regress. Sometimes you can, if you've got the strength, other times you cannot. Sometimes the hurt is too great or the will too little.

I guess it's all a matter of proportion, a metaphorical mathematical formulae of mental and emotional states: the amount of will to overcome is equal to the hurt times the severity divided by the comfort required. Or some such...

Is the ability to self-analyse sufficient to halt the expected forthcoming paralysis?

Is writing an effective enough mode of self-analysis?

Is the hope of love one day enough to hold the loneliness at bay?

Is it? The hope of love one day enough...?




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

01 May, 2010

Re-Start

Need to really keep this blogging going again. It's strange I miss the writing and the feedback but somehow I have been unwiling, or better still, strangely apathic.
That probably sums up my mood of late.
Bloggingwise, ever since Sang passed away I kinda haven't felt strongly about writing again because it would just remind me if him, and this new situation of missing somebody that I only knew through the Internet "ether".
Otherwise my mood has been apathic, without any specific reason for it. Having said that I can think of several small reasons for it. Maybe it was the holiday in Portugal in February. I enjoyed seeing all my friends again, immensely so, and it was hard to leave them behind. I enjoyed the sunshine and the Algarve, Carvoeiro and Vale de Centianes. I enjoyed going out in Lisbon. I enjoyed the weddings and the stag do. But at the same time it all depressed me somewhat. Spending time in the Algarve, resting, physically and mentally was great, being on my own was not however. And seeing all my friends either married or about to be married, all happy with a partner deepened my frustration. People asking me when I'm going to get a girlfriend helps even less, that depresses me even more (sorry Manuela, been meaning to tell you but it just never comes out, not that you are the only one mind!), guess I've been feeling a little bit lonely and I'm not enjoying the pressure at all.
Then there's work. I was happy to be back fir the above mentioned reasons and keen to be busy again. Which I have, that's for sure, it's just... not going very well for me at the moment but I'm trying not to let it get to me, so hard, but it's draining, it's difficult for me not to show what I feel.
Then there's moving, I quite enjoyed living in Birstall, but at the same time wanted to move closer to town and friends, so I didn't have to drive all the time. I just found it a bit stressful and strange, I had this profound feeling of life's fickleness and fragility, how quickly things change, how easy we move into new situations, the mutability of everything, whilst I'm not opposed or unfamiliar with change this time I felt weird, it was eerie like I was floating above it all seeing my life happenning before me.
I know, I'm strange. Which in itself is not a bad thing, depends how you think of it, my friend Magda dislikes me saying that.
Oh I nearly forgot, then there's my Friends Magda and Ricardo. Married. Young. Living life to the full, concerts, travelling etc. Magda was pregnant, I was so happy for them. The baby was born last week, Maria João. But I'm not gonna get to see her. Or be with my friends and embrace them and wish them happiness in person. This saddens me also. I also forgot to mention that one of the weddings I went to was that of my great Friend Telmo. He's been together with Irina for years, nobody thought or expected them to get married, in this day and age what difference does it make? But they did, and they were so happy, so good together, it was visible in their faces, it was practically palpable, it made me glad... and slightly depressed, when will I get that?
When indeed. Thus, apathy...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

21 April, 2010

Siiiiiiiigh........

Big sigh ...
Don't really know why. It was a good day at work, plenty of stuff to do but that in itself is not altogether bad.
It's not friends, I'm cool with them, we're planning on going out Friday night, should be fun.
Is it moving house? I thought I wanted that. Is it because it's a change and I don't know how it'll work out? I don't usually have those kinds of worries about change.
Is it the cats? I know I'm definitely going to miss them, especially Merlin that big furball.
Is it not being near my friends in Portugal? My friend just had a baby, I wish I was there right now but I know my life is here, I hate being in this kind of limbo neither there nor quite fully here...
What is it? I don't know.
Is it loneliness whose shadow is catching up to me unawares?
Could it be that? Maybe it is, I don't know.
Is it me attempting to self destruct for whatever reason?
I don't know...
Sigh...

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29 March, 2010

Happiness

I believe I experienced true hapinness today, sadly not my own, but that of my best friend, the great Telmo.
I've known Telmo all my life, we were inseparable whilst we were growing up despite the couple of years age difference. As grown ups we've maintained that strong bond, he's one of my true friends, always has been and I suspect always will be, even though our lives have gone through different paths entirely and we live very far apart. It saddens me that I don't get to experience more of his company and life due to this but such is life.
It was (is) his wedding today. I admit I almost got emotional a couple of times, he's so very happy, and all day Telmo and Irina have demonstrated why they've been together for 12 years. Their happiness is almost palpable, I am so very jealous in the best possible way!
Right at the end they've made a movie montage of pictures of them growing up and pictures of them together. It was lovely, they're so good together, I want that. It's at times like these that I can feel my loneliness catching up with me, life was made fit being enjoyed with someone, life experiences, situations and adventures are so much better when shared with somebody else, especially if that someone you love...
Today I experienced happiness and I'm chuffed for my friend, he deserves it. I'm glad.
Today I experienced happiness, but it wasn't mine...


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18 March, 2010

Russian Circles in Lisbon













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Algarve Day 3 - Carvoeiro

It's cold today, or colder. There's a cold wind out there. It's easy to forget out here with temperatures of 18•C that it is still Winter time for another 6 days!
It was a little bit windy yesterday but not so much to prevent me spending some hours on the beach. Today it's just that little bit too cold.
And so I decided to stop short of the Vale de Centianes Beach and spend the day at Carvoeiro, the closest village. It's beautiful out here, there's a lovely little plaza and a small little beach just off it, just in between two sharp edged cliffs.
I've decided to get some food (sardinhas assadas = grilled sardines) in this restaurant overlooking the beach, sea and village, restaurant of Tia Ilda.
The sun is warm on my back, I can hear the sound of the water crashing against the nearby rocks, seagulls float in the gentle waves ruffled by the chill wind. From up here I can see the change in the waters color, the transition from the shallow light sandy grey to the deeper dark blue.
Ah, holidays, Portugal, Algarve...!










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17 March, 2010

Wedding Day


After an incredibly cold night in which I couldn't move afraid I would hit a cold patch despite the seven blankets on top of me I got up at 8am.
Freezing my ass off I quickly hit dresses and rushed outside on search of a little bit of sunshine to warm up, really, it's not until it's that cold that you quite apprecciate a bit of sunshine. The sun shining on your face, the smell of pine trees, the quietness of the country, is all just so peaceful.
The wedding ceremony itself at the church was ok, quick and fuss, no big speeches or lectures from the priest, just a few well placed words and advice.
The setting for the wedding reception was very nice, not very big but then we weren't that many. They've done well the place, a little bit of garden, a few well placed ornaments, a little roman style small pool, a couple of statues and a small little portico of Greek columns. Very simple but really nice. The view from up here however was fantastic.
Food wise everything was delicious, it was a portuguese wedding after all!!
The wedding cake was pretty good also and the day dwindled away by about 8pm.
I convinced my cousin to go out later to a bar somewhere in Viseu. She agreed, and the idea was to go somewhere where we cam smoke our fat cigars, somehow her other cousins, aunts and uncles decided to come as well, which is just lain wrong! Anyone over the age of 40 with kids should not be allowed out!! Although, I may think differently in a handful of years...!










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Corga

So I'm back. To be fair I am always made feel welcome. Didn't get to see much of my cousin Luís as he looked a bit stressed and still had things to do. But his sister, Sandra, was pretty cool. Actually let's retrace my steps, their younger brother Álvaro came pick me up from the coach station and we had the longest conversation we have ever had, he us after all about 12 years younger than me, so it was great to actually talk to him as adults.
As I was saying my cousin Sandra took me around the newly refurbished school village where sh now works and wow, what they've done to the place is astounding, really really good conditions, something that would not be amiss in a large city let alone in our little village, I was shocked and impressed, it saddenned me to know that after all the work that has been put into its future gangs in the balance as the councils have nor decided what to do it because there just aren't enough children around.
After that I went to see my other grandparents on the other side of the village, Fundo do Povo we call it. It was good to see them both well.
I went for dinner at my cousins parents, all the other side of their family there most if whom I recognised and a vague recollections of. My cousin turned up at the end and you could see that he was clearly happy to see everyone together for his big day, it is after all all about him tomorrow.
I am so tired I left early 10:30pm, and I've just managed to stay awake to write this, whilst it's still fresh.


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On the way to Viseu

On the coach on the way to Viseu, the capital city of Beira Alta and the biggest city around for miles. I didn't take many pictures, don't know if it's because it was quite difficult to take photos from the moving bus or whether I just remembered differently from last time around or maybe I was just on the wrong side of the bus.
I read for a bit and just under two hours I was arriving, half an hour before what I was expecting. Had to wait for my lift for ages, the longest in the whole trip but even so only 20 minutes or so.
As I was waiting I bought a sports newspaper, but it was windy and quite cold (I was outside so that my cousin could see me and didn't have to park) so I put the newspaper to zip up my fleece and lo and behold the wind was taking my paper away!! Doh!






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12 March, 2010

On the way to my roots

Eventually my cousin turned up and I begun the last stretch of my journey.
Back to my roots. Family. All my blood ties lead there, Corga, a little village in the middle of the northern portuguese countryside, in the shadow of Portugals' greatest mountain Serra da Estrela (Star Mountain).
I always thought it was funny, weird and in equal measures reassuring that all my family us from this tiny little place, both my parents and their parents are from this village. I used to come here on holidays every single Summer when my dad had a month off.
The happy memories I have of running around the village and playing in my grandparents cottage with my younger by a year cousin Luís. We would climb trees eat all sorts of different fruit straight from the trees, and wild berries, and went fishing, good childhood I had.
And I'm back here this time because my cousin Luís is getting married tomorrow. Can't quite believe it. It was only three years ago that we were both single at our younger cousin's wedding, Elisabeth. Now he's getting married and Elisabeth has a kid.
I'm lagging behind, all my friends are married and now so is my cousin. Only my younger cousins aren't yet but they're still under 25.
I never worried too much about it but every so often it gets away. Especially as my best friend Telmo is also getting hitched in two weeks time (hence my extended holiday period in March of all times) even though he has been dating that girl for eleven years and living together for the last six.
But oh well, onwards and upwards.


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On the way to Portugal

So far so good, got to Porto on time and I'm now in the last leg of the journey, coach from Porto to Viseu, through the beautiful countryside of northern Portugal. I'm at the ready to take some pictures!
The journey in England was fine, I was dreading having to catch the tube to get the connecting train but it was pretty straightforward, taxi was on time didn't have to wait long for the train got a tube pretty quickly and didn't have to wait long for the connecting train either.
Checking in with RyanAir could have been a bit more organised but it was ok. Boarding the plain amused me, we had to wait, literally, for all the passengers from the previous flight to come out of the plane before we were allowed in, ah cheap airlines!!
Anyway, arrived at Porto 15 minutes early, to be fair the bags were out very quickly, got some euros out of the ATM and got myself a taxi to take me to the coach station, taxi driver amused me, he asked me where I was going, I said Viseu and he promptly replied that he could have taken me, I had already bought the coach ticket on the Internet but I asked him how much it would cost anyway, and he says, with the straighest of faces, only 75 euros not expensive at all, I played along, my coach ticket cost me 9.50, not expensive indeed!!
First experience of buying anything online in Portugal didn't go very well, there's this tiny little collection machine hiding in the corner of the waiting room of the garage ahem..., coach station!, and it gives me completely wrong tickets luckily the kiosk attendant was very helpful and gave me the correct collection number.
With half an hour to kill, I went to get some food, a coffee (galão) a savoury (pastel de bacalhau) and a croissant with ham and cheese, even something so simple as this is delicious in my home country, abs the coffee!!! Oohhg, divine, just what I needed!
Right, in the coach now, a couple of hours, my cousin (who's getting married tomorrow and the reason I'm on holiday) is picking me up, I need to start thinking in Portuguese pretty soon.
Lastly, my iPhone us useless as a phone over here because of the nature of my contract, but, it us also a digital camera, a notepad for my writing and more importantly the iPod I think has just made the whole journey a whole lot more pleasant and relaxing! Happy days!




27 February, 2010

Happiness

"When were you at the most happiest?"

As I heard this question I could not help but think back on my life and reflect upon which times I have been happiest.

And even though I am entirely convinced that happiness is a frugal and deceiving concept, which can only be measured in terms of moments and instants in time, I did immediately identified a few of those times in my mind.

I was at my happiest when I was promoted at my first job, all the way back in 1995 at the beginning of my adult life and I thoroughly enjoyed what I was doing then as an Export Marketing Assistant.

Immediately after that was my time at university, particularly my second year, where the people iI had met during my first year had become my friends and I had a grand time, living with people that became my best friends, in the city centre where our house was more often than not the meeting point for several nights and days of fun, and enjoying university and the potential that the future could hold, when all was open to possibilities and anything that could happen was at least more than a year away. The fact that I had fallen in love, truly, for the first time may have also contributed to that sense of freedom, realisation and genuine belief in the future that year.

To a certain extent, the last few months I have also been at the happiest I have been for quite some time, for varying reasons, but on the back of some poorly few months it is difficult to evaluate the last times objectively.

I can recall several moments of happiness, and these can happen at any time, any time at all, even if and when your life may not been going quite the way it should be.

As Carrie was told in the Sex & The City film "You will laugh again when something really really funny happens." which is so very true. We have a great capacity for compartmentalisation and adaptation!

As they say, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"...

17 February, 2010

Near future, bright?

Thanks to my workplace and a lot of hardwork of my colleagues last year we won a great award last year, Cinema of the Year 2009. With it comes not only recognition which is of course most welcome, but good financial reward.
A decent bonus, free of tax, which is not going to make me rich but it can sort out my most immediate difficulties and can set me in very good stead for my near future.
I'm scared, scared I won't make the most of it, that I will not take this opportunity in the best possible way, I know that historically I have not been the best at coordinating my finances.
At the same time I'm excited at the changes I can make, little as they may be. Because those small changes can have a tremendous impact on me, personally and socially it can allow me to express the inner me and allow me to do things and be who I want to be.
So much I have changed in myself and this could be the catalyst to make it permanent,
Which is why the near future could be very bright for me, and it frightens me that I will undermine all that unconsciously by being reckless...

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01 February, 2010

Moving On

It's time to move on. Really?
I thought I had. On two different occasions in the last 6 months. You really don't know how things are going to turn out do you?
About 9 months ago I moved away from difficult living arrangements. Since then, I have fallen in and out of love getting my heart broken in the process, got into trouble at work after being unjustly been accused if harassment, upset my bosses and had a really long look at my life. Those were dark days indeed last Summer.

For the last 3 months though, things have started
to look up. I have met a mentor who forced me to change what I was already in the process of realising I had to change. I have resolved things at home partially. I have changed my personal look, I am more sociable. I got more responsabilities at work as I wanted.
And now... well now I feel it is time to move on once again, to endure yet more change, to complete the cycle sort to speak.
But what does that mean? What does it entail? I don't want to hurt anyone by doing it, far from it. Even if I believe that sometimes you have to be a little selfish and think of yourself.
We'll see, I'm sure surprises are in store, especially given the recent turbulent year I have just experienced...

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16 January, 2010

Dualities

In recent times I have felt, wondered and reflected upon the nature of duality in our lives.

How strange it is that you can be at the same time sad yet able to laugh, how can it be that you can feel sadness and a feeling of loss at the passing of someone you had a brief acquaintance yet respected immensely but can still live your life, go to work, laugh and perform as if nothing had happened.

This I've felt in recent days with the passing of a fellow blogger. But in analogy, I have also felt the effect of this kind of duality in other ways. I have been the most positive and outgoing in the last few weeks than I've been in the last few years, yet at times I still feel a level of boredom and restlessness that I cannot pinpoint.

We have all heard and some felt the old "you can be alone whilst surrounded by many people" and this too I've been feeling at times. I wonder whether I'm too old to live with other people and if I should just have my own space, yet at the same time I fear what that means for my long term future in case I do meet a loved one, how could I build a life sharing a house with someone else.

I have always held my Friends in the greatest regard and I have been lucky to maintain those relations despite time and distance apart however, they ARE far away, and if I get sad or bored or anxious or restless I'm on my own. Many people I know now and that live near me are friends from work, and there are some people whom I could truly become serious friends with, but we're not there yet. I wonder if we will. Logic dictates that time and experiences shared will realise that, but will these come to pass?

I have wondered in the past and I'm having the same feeling now of starting anew, move on, to a different city, or country, in essence start a new life. But I do not want to quit my job, especially now that I'm on the cusp of a great challenge, which I have desired and asked for for some years. And I don't want to lose those friendships in the making. Again is that duality of feelings emerging.

Should I stay or should I go?...


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07 January, 2010

The World is Less Colourful

I'm borrowing from you Kim, but I couldn't agree more.

The world has lost someone beautiful, with a great capacity to communicate, inspire and entertain.

His stories were a joy to read. His words were wise, with a touch of humour, sarcasm and silliness mixed in with a lot of life experience.

He made his friends laugh. He was a Friend, a Confidant, an Artist and a Writer.


All the people who knew him will mourn and miss him. Those who were really close will miss him terribly and are suffering a lot. Those of us who knew him only through the ethereal internet blogosphere cloud, through his writing, sharing and comments will also miss him inexplicably, such is the unreal nature of this strange connection via internet.

I want to leave with a link to his blog so that everyone can read his posts. And a link to the Tribute page on facebook so that everyone can see how much he was loved.

http://yellowson.org/  You will forever be part of my blogroll.


http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Sang-Yoon-Lee-Tribute-Page/238196071414 People showing their love


I want to leave once again with words that are not mine, from someone that has suffered immensely in her past but found a friend like no other in Sang:

"Lend meaning to a meaningless situation.  Death for humans is the same as it is for stars.  Our matter and meaning flows from us into our universe.  Happily, we live in an era where the matter and meaning of Sang’s life can exchange phone numbers and email addresses.  We’re forced to accept our collective being can never be reconstituted, but we can exchange words that allow us to feel whole again.  Lend meaning to a meaningless situation."
Luz

How very right you are...

06 January, 2010

To Sang

Sang:
Thank for your words, for your advice, for your kindness.
You made me think, made me take stock, made me feel better.
I never knew you in person but I felt like we shared a lot of ideas and situations.
I can't believe you are gone, I don't know how to feel, I don't what to say or write.
You were my first virtual friend, and I feel that with your death a part of me is gone.
Your words will live on in those of us that knew through your blog and your memories will live on in your close friends.
I can tell that you touched a lot of people by reading peoples' contributions. (and I don't mean just sexually!!, I just know you had made a joke about that line).
I will miss you. My only regret is not being able to be in Jersey on Thursday.
Goodbye Friend.
Paulo

02 January, 2010

2010

It's a new year. Anew decade. But it's also just a number. Some more time of our existence which we have attributed importance due to an archaic calendar construction, based loosely on events that used to have meaning, like the moon cycles, the sun cycle, harvest time and others that we have lost knowledge of.

This may sound a little pessimistic, but I like to call it pragmatic. There's nothing with celebrating a new year, but I simply find that it holds far less significance that what it's advertised and preached for by the media. It's another excuse for a holiday, consumerism and waste.

I don't have anything against big parties and I suppose it's kinda positive that the whole world joins in celebration (albeit at different times of the day depending on which time zone they're in, which I find in itself ironic!).

It's the same with Christmas and Father's Day and Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. They're days creating by big multinationals to convince us to spend money. I don't need specific days of the year to be good to my family and my friends. Don't need an excuse to buy someone a present, don't need somebody to tell me that I have to remember my dad, or my mum, or my family, or my partner on a specific day of the year. Each and every one of us already has that, it's called our birthday. And what about the rest of the year? Do we just forget all about it? Are we excused from it?

Generosity and affection don't need marked days on the calendar. You either exercise or not. Daily, on your everyday life. Show compassion. Understanding. Give love to people around you.

I truly if we all forgot a little bit about the media and convention and all the things forced upon us form outside and concentrated that little bit harder on the smaller and finer details of life, on the people we speak to every day, whom we can have an effect on, then this world would be much simpler, our lives much richer, and ourselves much happier.