Why write this blog

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It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

14 October, 2010

Ups and downs

Interesting week it's been this one. Almost a reflection of my past year all in seven days, a week of complete contrasting days, like seasons and weather.

Can't remember Wednesday I think I was at work. Actually I remember a conversation with a friend/not a friend that lead to me saying a lot of things that I needed to get off my chest. I guess that's how I got to be in a really mood the next day.
Or maybe it was because I had a day off Thursday, even though I spent it taking care of work related stuff. But it was pretty cool working things out and coming up with a plan of action. Later in the day I got a phone call that potentially changes everything and that got me depressed. Found myself analysing things, life the universe and everything and I think I realised that what I thought I had been wanting to do for a while now I cannot, I'm not ready. Spoke about it with a friend/not a friend but did not reach any conclusions.
Friday morning pretty much started with all those thoughts whirling around but with no time to work them out. As it so often happens work gets in the way of life. I was so busy I did not have to think, about anything. Which in the end was probably a good thing because it stopped me from brooding. By the time I finished work it had been a good and productive and fairly satisfying day.
Saturday was strange, unusual start at work, had stuff to do from the word go and immediately got on with it. By the end of the shift things starting getting strange. In my head. I left feeling miserable, sad, maybe even a little bit depressed. I thought a change if scenery and some quiet would be a good idea so I went to stay at a friends place.
Mission achieved, rested a lot, enjoyed the quietness. Woke up late on Sunday. Was in no mood to brood, consider, decide. Soon got restless, so went back home. Got bored went to watch a film. Went back home still did not feel like being alone, so out of the house again, another movie. Sad again, on my own, the saddo that I am as my friend pointed out. Went home watched the two new episodes of House, really enjoyed it.
Monday funny day, longer than usual, have had better ends to a shift, and ended up staying an extra 2/3 hours. Not the nicest of days.
Determined to get things done on Tuesday went in full of energy at work. Got organised, set things in motion. Very busy day, another long day, stayed on two hours more again. A lot achieved but was disappointed with the lack of support and teamwork. Left to go home feeling dejected. Decided not to let it get to me. Got some beers to watch the football with. Ended up texting a friend/new friend in need of help and company which in turn kept me from being lonely and brooding on things.
Today was odd, but kinda good. Reconnected with friend/to become true friend work went ok finished on time for once.

So yeah, from happiness to confusion to active to depressed to largely meh and neutral to sad to neutral to glad, in the space of seven days or so.

Still worked nothing out. In terms of changes or what to change or figuring out what is wrong. I guess I kind of reckon that I'm not ready for a total big drastic change get up and leave sort of thing.

I thought I did, I really did. Now I'm not so sure. I look around and I see possibilities, people I can/am? friends with, a crazy job which challenges and frustrates me in equal measures (maybe not equal that's starting to be re evaluated), a place I enjoy living in if not necessarily the house. But then how much do I want to live on my own? Another one to figure out. I need time, to figure all this out.

I was supposed to have done that a couple of weeks when I was on holiday but I didn't realised how exhausted I had been because all I did was rest and recover.

Luckily I do have another week off coming up. A week of crazy business at work but then off. Seven whole days this time, not six.

Hmm. Day off tomorrow. What will it bring??

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