Need to really keep this blogging going again. It's strange I miss the writing and the feedback but somehow I have been unwiling, or better still, strangely apathic.
That probably sums up my mood of late.
Bloggingwise, ever since Sang passed away I kinda haven't felt strongly about writing again because it would just remind me if him, and this new situation of missing somebody that I only knew through the Internet "ether".
Otherwise my mood has been apathic, without any specific reason for it. Having said that I can think of several small reasons for it. Maybe it was the holiday in Portugal in February. I enjoyed seeing all my friends again, immensely so, and it was hard to leave them behind. I enjoyed the sunshine and the Algarve, Carvoeiro and Vale de Centianes. I enjoyed going out in Lisbon. I enjoyed the weddings and the stag do. But at the same time it all depressed me somewhat. Spending time in the Algarve, resting, physically and mentally was great, being on my own was not however. And seeing all my friends either married or about to be married, all happy with a partner deepened my frustration. People asking me when I'm going to get a girlfriend helps even less, that depresses me even more (sorry Manuela, been meaning to tell you but it just never comes out, not that you are the only one mind!), guess I've been feeling a little bit lonely and I'm not enjoying the pressure at all.
Then there's work. I was happy to be back fir the above mentioned reasons and keen to be busy again. Which I have, that's for sure, it's just... not going very well for me at the moment but I'm trying not to let it get to me, so hard, but it's draining, it's difficult for me not to show what I feel.
Then there's moving, I quite enjoyed living in Birstall, but at the same time wanted to move closer to town and friends, so I didn't have to drive all the time. I just found it a bit stressful and strange, I had this profound feeling of life's fickleness and fragility, how quickly things change, how easy we move into new situations, the mutability of everything, whilst I'm not opposed or unfamiliar with change this time I felt weird, it was eerie like I was floating above it all seeing my life happenning before me.
I know, I'm strange. Which in itself is not a bad thing, depends how you think of it, my friend Magda dislikes me saying that.
Oh I nearly forgot, then there's my Friends Magda and Ricardo. Married. Young. Living life to the full, concerts, travelling etc. Magda was pregnant, I was so happy for them. The baby was born last week, Maria João. But I'm not gonna get to see her. Or be with my friends and embrace them and wish them happiness in person. This saddens me also. I also forgot to mention that one of the weddings I went to was that of my great Friend Telmo. He's been together with Irina for years, nobody thought or expected them to get married, in this day and age what difference does it make? But they did, and they were so happy, so good together, it was visible in their faces, it was practically palpable, it made me glad... and slightly depressed, when will I get that?
When indeed. Thus, apathy...
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