Little have I written this past week. And the little I have down were in the form of emails to a couple of distant friends.
There are several reasons for this. Some positive ones and others maybe not so positive.
Given my new found sense of self and desire to find and express my real me I have been trying real hard to banish negative thoughts and have a more general positive attitude to life.
As a consequence I have been more social, more open and more relaxed. I would venture to say even happier. I have gone out where previously I would have stayed at home and that has been very good. I love spending time with people and making friends or strengthening friendships. I have enjoyed the time I have spent in easy bonomie with good people.This has left me less time than I would normally have sitting on my own at home.
These are all good reasons. I have also got a new phone, with internet, where I can check my emails online, read other blogs etc which means I am at my computer less and less. Also a good thing probably, I'm not sure.
I also have had nothing much to write about if I'm to be truthful. Anguish and despair and loneliness will always lend themselves to a more propitious state of mind for writing and creativity. Especially in my case where I have used writing, in the last few months, as a way of exorcising demons and working things out. Once these "things", ideas and emotions and frustrations change and start to make sense the need for writing becomes, not necessarily less, but more subdued and less urgent.
On the negative side, the only real negative reason is that the one thing I would like to write about, and indeed, still have something to say, I cannot do so freely. And that is annoying and a little frustrating but it does not occupy my mind all that much. All I can say is that there is a strange situation arising, where I am feeling happier with a more jovial attitude and healthier outlook on life following my holiday, elsewhere the opposite seems to be happening. And whilst I am not supposed to be the recipient of any friendliness I find myself, unwittingly, being the receptacle for the result of those emotions and feelings and anxiety states.
I do apologise if it sounds cryptic but I really cannot elaborate. I mean, I could, it probably doesn't matter anymore as no one will be reading that will care, but I will continue to be circumspect nonetheless out of respect and because I gave my word.
So yes, I have been writing infrequently. But maybe in the long run the posts will carry more meaning and quality. I still desire to carry on writing, and it still interests me that other people from random places of the world read it, mostly by accident, and I enjoy reading other people's blogs. It is an extra way of communicating, and we all need to communicate, and I enjoy it, I feel like a sense of responsibility to carry on now that I have started it.
On a final note, life really is a funny old thing (there's that word again thing! I'll write a post about it sometime soon). I find myself going through this process of self-improvement and change following weeks of self-awareness, analysis and with a little help from friends. But all around me, sadly, I am seeing the opposite. Relationships breaking down, family ties unraveling, personal lives thrown into chaos and uncertainty. It makes me a little upset and also a little guilty. Like I cannot fully express this new found energy and spirit because people I care about are unable to share it with me. And here's the irony, all I can do is to be the self I have been in the last few years, quiet and understanding and in the background.
I don't want to be in the background any longer. Luckily though, there are other people, and other friends, and it is with them I have been attempting to realise myself. But, somehow, it feels a little hollow at times.
If only we could all see and truly understand the fickleness of life we would all live it much more profoundly.