BLOG IN ABSENTIA - DAY 4
Tonight is the night after.
The day after my relapse.
Yesterday I relapsed into despair.
I'm not sure how it happened. All I know is that I felt the anger, the frustration and the hurt again. It was a flood of feelings I wasn't expecting. I thought I would cry, mentally and consciously I wanted to cry. Unlike the feelings however the tears did not come.
I was surprised as it had been such a good day, much like today. Sunny day spent in a quiet and beautiful beach. I was even happy that Benfica had won. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it had been one of the happiest days I'd had in a few weeks.
Maybe that's why. Happiness and sadness feelings originate in the same areas of the brain. Maybe it was my unconscious trying to tell me something, reminding me that maybe I shouldn't be all that happy when so much hurt and doubt is still inside. Writing it down like this somehow makes it sound wrong. But I did feel bad, I kept reliving those moments over and over again. I blamed it on the beers, the alcohol making me vulnerable and sad. But I have drunk just as much today if not more and I'm not the same at all.
Speaking to Manuela today helped, of course it did. It made me realise...what? I don't even know... that I need to move on? That I should stop doubting? That it is all normal after all? All of them really.
So today is the day after.
The last day I'll be on my own for a while. And I should use it to write, if that really is what I love, and what I use as an escape. Drinking as fun as it is does not do it for me. TV bores me. Reading, I love, always will, but it only distracts me, it does not resolve anything. Talking, yes, talking helps. Talking to someone that encourages and reassures you helps a lot. I have gained a new friend. And I have always needed my friends. And I always will, without a shadow of a doubt. But I also need to work it out for myself. Writing down my thoughts makes it all so much more permanent and in a way real.
Looking and thinking back, I remember that in fact I have always resorted to writing down what my feelings were when I was in turmoil. At least during the majority of my adult life in the last few years I have been "divorced" from writing, what does that say? That I had given up? That I had no feelings? No inner turmoil?
But at the end of the day it is feelings of turmoil and the whole range of other feelings that makes us feel alive in a way. I have denied myself over these last few years. Really, I have been. Ever since returning to Portugal back in 2002, I have denied myself. Funnily enough, 2/3 of my worst ever years have been during that seven year period. Not that all was roses before them but at least I was still trying to find a way rather than just accepting it.
That's not entirely true though. The difference is that I have accepted the circumstances and I stopped dreaming and stopped hoping. That has been the difference over the last seven years.
I was trying to think back at the last time I was really positive and confident and that was when I was still at uni, between my first and second year especially. That Summer of 1998, has it really been 11 years ago? I dared to hope then, not only that, I was convinced that things in life would be very good. Last year for example, was so anonymous that i can't even recall even if I have been back to Portugal or not.
I think falling in love now has kind of reawaken me and made me re-evaluate things. Re-evaluate my life. And now, even more so. With my dad opening up and with Manuela encouraging me to change things around with my mum over here, which of course, changes my financial situation , and that will undoubtedly have an effect on how I can conduct my life. On top of all the other resolutions I had already made regardless. Manuela can be the, not spring, but the person that pushes me as I've never been pushed. And I do need that push, I always have. It is one of my failings, complacency.
So really, things will change. I have already started to change a few. I don't care about TV all that much anymore. Or computer games. I'm enjoying the running and the exercise, I must keep that up, I can't let my frustration let me drag down into the same old routine of life of the past four/five years.
I have also decided to be more social. Spend time with people. This where the financial side of things will come into play. Going out with people. Going to concerts and festivals and parties. And as Manuela says, dress better and look better. Of course people look at that, how can you not? It's how you make first impressions. Even if I'm genuine and deep and meaningful I'll still need to cause a good first impression to be able to show people what I'm like at that more personal level and show myself and get people to know who I really am.
Of course, by then I will need to know who the real Me is! I don't think I'm too far from that though, I'm too self-analytical and self-critical not to know that already. But, to be fair, is getting to a stage where I can share that inner me with other people in the first place. It's that confidence and those opportunities that I do not have and that I will need to show.
Those are the changes.
Change starts inside, I have always said it, I just have to, not only believe it, but act on it!