Why write this blog

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It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)

16 September, 2009

Am I in love with the idea of being in love?

I heard this line somewhere recently, in a movie or a tv series or something. And following yesterday's chat with my friend I have started wondering.
CENSORED one wonders how you know what is real at any given moment in time. It's not like you can possibly know what anyone else feels with absolute certainty, that's obvious, but can you know with absolute certainty, what you feel?
After all, feelings can be fickle, depending on how you rationalise things and events, and how often do you feel rage and anger that is simply disguised as frustration, self-disappointment and disgust?!
How often do you think you want something to completely change your mind soon thereafter?
How many times do you choose certain things depending on what mood you're in?

Do your feelings for someone change that easily as well?
Do you believe you have feelings for someone because you think you do?

How can you tell the difference?

I'm not sure I am either the most qualified nor the most experienced person to speculate about this, but I thought I knew. But could it be that having spent so long alone I have become such a helpless romantic that I am actually in love with poetic the idea of being in love? Does my idea of loyalty and honesty and openness too demanding and utopic? Have I possibly become so demanding that if even anyone would like me for whatever reason I would scare them away with this demanding idea of a seemingly perfect relationship and a perfect love?

But I do not even believe in that kind of perfection. Is it simply that I seek a person that cannot possibly exist? Am I so different that there is no one out there that can ever fulfill my idea of what the important values should be shared and treasured?

CENSORED How can I know? And can you ever know for sure? CENSORED 

All I know, is that I have liked other people before. I have fancied other people before. But there was never nothing there. I can think of two particular times on my life with two particular people, quite recently as well, A & G, but there just never was enough there. Funnily enough the opposite is true of two others, another A & L. One of them I knew the minute I looked at her, and the first time we talked and as we spend more time together it all became obvious. With L it was different, a kind of intermediate medium, you knew there were feelings there but we never spent enough time together for it to develop despite keeping in contact via letters. It all kind of developed into a fond and caring relationship.


I don't know. CENSORED 

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