So, I've been on holiday. I've been away for two weeks. I've had other things to worry about. Other things to resolve.
Does it mean that it has all gone away? All those feelings of frustration and pain and emptiness?
They are not completely gone, but they have certainly abated. I certainly do not think about it night and day any longer, I can function and take my life further and onwards. I do not go to bed thinking about it nor do wake up with that on my mind.
Does that mean that I am healed already? Or is it just the distance that makes it seem that way?
These two weeks have been intriguing. I have met someone that has forced me to share a lot of things that I have only written about. I was forced to think a lot about myself and my life and how much control I want to have over it and myself. And it all boils down to how much I want to reveal of myself to everyone out there and how much I want to be me, fully. I was made to look at myself in a completely different light. I have been given that push that I have always known deep inside I needed to be given.
Not only a push but a wake up call as well. I have been too complacent and passive about a lot of things in my life.
A lot of it I have already been realising myself anyway, hence the changes I had decided to impose upon myself. This was just a reinforcing of that feeling, a stripping down sort to speak.
In a way I think it has made me stronger as a person.
I think it is that more than time and distance that has allowed me mind to free itself somewhat from that spiral of despair and emptiness.
Does that mean that I am fully recovered? That I am perfectly fine?
I don't really know. All I know is that I have to be. I cannot be hiding around, crying in the corners, just gotta take it on the chin and move on.
They're still there, the feelings. I can't just switch them off, it doesn't work that way. But I'm not consumed by them anymore.
So, maybe time can heal. And distance. I'm not sure. But they surely help. Distance is not a factor that will remain in the equation, so it is to time that I must deposit my hopes.
And myself. Relying on myself to recover and get over it and move on. To believe that I can do that, to awaken that inner force.
It is that that has changed. And hopefully, it will be that, my inner force and belief that will heal the scars.
As someone wise once told me, "the scars are on the inside". So it is from within that they must be healed.