So I have found it, at last the answer. Thanks to David Wong (alias) and his insightful article at Cracked.com.
Answer or answers, in my case is more answers, plural.
To the question of why am I so goddamned lazy and sloppy in my personal life? Yet I know I am hard-working I have shown it at work, I know this, yet I cannot bring myself to do it, or I do it only sparingly. I have been analysing myself and my life and writing about it, yet I couldn't quite make it out. I could, and did, point lots of fingers, to myself included, but could not pinpoint the ultimate final reason.
But now I know. It's because misery is comfortable, and happiness takes effort. And it takes courage to break free of the misery. And I have not had the courage to do it. And because I haven't had the courage to do it, and because I haven't done enough, I hate myself for it.
It is as simple as that.
And what follows from that realisation, from this dawning, is another answer, one that I had already partially fathomed out myself.
The answer to the never quite formed or written down question: why am I alone and why am I different from those people that easily find girlfriends? Or happiness? A friend asked me once, will you never find happiness? (I didn't answer you M, because I had never phrased it like that in my mind). For the answer is, in the end, the same. If I hate myself for it, and if I hate my life or parts of it then how could anyone else want spend time with me? Because that is what is needed to find a partner, someone that wants to spend time with you to be part of your life.
If you don't want to be in your life half the time why would anyone else? Why would they want to be a part of it? Even if they don't know the particulars you must exude it, from comments and body language and other.
Again, it is that simple.
So, yes, change is needed. I have known this for some time. I just couldn't figure out exactly where and or why even though I felt it, and it is why the only solution I could ever see was a radical and complete change, but that is even scarier and harder to make happen!
So, little changes. Little things. What do I really want? I don't know, but I have always wanted to make a difference and help people, well let's start there. I may not be able to be a doctor but there are other ways to help. Not because I am selfish and I want to feel good, but because I like to help and I think I would be good, and in the end if you help someone they've been helped. It's a win win, I don't know how I have ever managed to rationalise it into not doing it.
That's step 1. Step 2 is to create something. I love to write. I do and I have used it as an escape to work things out. Which is fine, but it's for personal consumption, and very dear friends. It's time to create, and actually do it. The idea is there, it has been for so many years, and I even wrote the titles, so, let's just do it.
Step 2 done, onto Step 3. Learn something new. Well I have already signed up for it and did very little about it and almost gave up on it. Why? Is the reason now less valid than when I signed up for it? No, so, let's just crack on with it.
Step 4. Enable steps 2 and 3. I don't have "time" to do them, because it's too easy to be distracted by television. Well let's have the courage to do one thing and cancel cable. This will "create" a lot of time that can be used for learning and creating and helping.
It's scary. It's kind of monumental. But I have to do it. I am going to do it. Very recently I wrote about choices. The choice to have a fancy phone, and to have a car and to have cable tv. Well, I may well still need the car if I need to find a job out of town, but the other two I do not really need, however I may be tied to a phone contract for a few more months. But cable, sorry but you're going.
And this is it. I have worked it out. Not on my own. But I have. I know the answers and the reasons and what I need to do. I just got to do it. So I stop hating myself, or at least part or parts of me.
And therefore, this may well be the last post on this blog. Maybe it will, maybe it will not. But this was an exercise in exorcising demons and writing for the sake of it. Well, I think the demons are well and truly out and I have worked out a lot of things, on my own and with help from friends, and I wrote, pretty regularly, so the reason of its being may be over.
Maybe it is maybe it isn't. Maybe I'll write a different blog. If I have the time.
Goodbye 2012 and the last 35 years. Hello 2013 and the rest of my life.
PS - M, este e' realmente, e verdadeirament, uma epifania. Ufa, andei tanto tempo ha' procura dela! Mas suponho que so' se tenha uma vez na vida, se for assim, tive-a agora.