Last time

...

This it, it has to be said, it has to come out, it just does, I'm sorry I'm too much of a coward to send it to you directly. But, maybe this will be the final purge,:

"I thought it was supposed to have finished as well and for a few months I was convinced it was.

I never knew I made you cry when you were in Leicester nor did I mean it, far from it, I've never made anything up about you or insulted you or anything like that, but you made me cry also.
Why would you cry if you felt absolutely nothing for me? You said so, to my face.

It also makes me sad, however, but you know that with me what you see is what you get, what I say is what I feel, same with my writing. I am aware that my honesty is not cut out for this day and age, often it comes out as, or can be perceived as, rude, blunt, insensitive or maybe even cruel. The me on my blog is my dark side mainly, the one without inhibitions, the majority of my strongest feelings come out through my writing without a doubt. I do have though, I think, some measure of contention and tact when I deal with people (maybe not always, hey I'm only human, not perfect, most of the time I do try to be tactful).
My blog is by my own admission an attempt to express my feelings and thoughts and ideas and exorcising demons. Sometimes things work themselves out in my head as I write them. Other times I write foolish desperate things. And that keeps me a little bit sane.

You tell me about questions, you owe me nothing so I've never asked them. But I can't help express my feelings in whatever medium I choose. I did not name you (or anyone else by that matter) on any of my writings because as you have shown me in the past that sort of thing can get oneself into trouble, both personally and at work. Unfortunately as you are central to the whole charade you are inevitably going to know what I'm on about, but, and this is the important part you don't have to read it. I won't lie that I would like you too read some of my posts and I like it that you have been reading all of them, but if you do you must prepared for all the drivel that comes out. It's been a few days now and I've re-read my post and only a little bit was about you, in no way nasty, and to be fair really, I still have the message you sent me last year and I think I still have a right to be bewildered given the seriousness of what you told me then, that's my right, to wonder at things I cannot understand. And I do wonder, still.

You want me to stay in touch, so do I. But sometimes I don't because I still remember. And because when I do, remember that is, it still hurts. This I have told you, recently, and you said YOU were going to be persistent and wasn't going to give up. So, why the change of mind now, why the surprise?
If I make you cry when I talk about my extant feelings for you or how I deal with them, that is certainly not something I want, but it makes me wonder, why is that? Because of "whatever"? Well... hell!

Lol We're like a bloody family at Christmas :) Always arguing and bickering and going too far at times because somebody can't keep their mouths shut and things come out that should not have been said, especially when they happened after everyone had that bit too much to drink, but in the end everyone loves each other. So you don't talk to each other in January, then for whatever reason you eventually need to get in touch, normality resumes, and when it gets to that time at the end of the year again, you dread it, but still you wouldn't miss it. It's Christmas and it's family right?"

There you go, there it is, plain for everyone to see. I've read today that the road to recovery is only as easy as how much or how quickly you cam let go (or words to that effect) and it's true. I thought I had, but I hadn't.

Maybe now I have.



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