Rip it up

Choices, we all have choices.
We can all choose.
We have the freedom to choose.

It may not look like it at times, but we do. We can choose to do things.

We can choose to do right things or wrong things. Just because something isn't allowed by law or permissible or acceptable in society it doesn't mean you can't, physically, do them. We're just afraid of the consequences, prison, fines, fear of being socially shunned, whichever, whatever. Everyone makes their choice and there as many choices as there are people in the world.

Before going off too philosophical and on a tangent that is not my point today.

I look at my situation today and the majority of it is due to choices I've made irrespective of my awareness of some of their consequences at the time.

But regardless of my way here, my present and my way onward is still largely dependent upon my choices. It's not in my power to force someone to give me a job but it is within my power who and where I apply for a job.

My current situation is one where I can carefully balance the books but there isn't a lot extra, money wise. This may seem at first glance precarious and it is, in a way. It is precarious because I earn just about enough for the life I choose to lead.

And this the key, the life I choose to lead.

I could instantly make tons of money tomorrow. Well, in a manner if speaking. I could certainly raise a few hundred pounds in the next few days or even thousands. Furthermore, on top of that I could save myself about a quarter thousand pounds a month.

In order, this is what I could do: I could sell my car, that should rake in at least £1,000 perhaps. That, in turn, would save me £70 a month in car insurance. Secondly, I could cancel my cable TV, landline and Internet, that would save me £80 a month. Since we're at it, I could sell my mobile phone and cancel my contract, that's another £50 plus whatever phone charges I accrue monthly. That's about £200, let's throw in the petrol money I would save and call it £250.

I could do all this and accumulate some money very quickly. But I chose not to.

That's because I choose to have the facility of having a car and being able to drive. It's not something I desperately need, currently, but I chose to own a car. Because there may be jobs where I would need one to travel. And because I like having a car. I feel like I am an adult. This may perhaps be foolish but it's a choice I make. It's my choice.

I chose also to have a mobile phone. I don't need need one. I didn't have one for five years I know what I'm saying. But I also know what I'm missing if I do not have one. I know that these days everyone has a mobile and furthermore everyone communicates through text messages. On another level I choose to have a mobile with Internet. Because I know that people communicate also through social media, which requires Internet, (Facebook and Twitter). Out of all the mobiles with Internet, the so-called smartphones I choose to have an iPhone. It's not because I like to show off, it's because I like how it looks how it works and what use I put to it. I choose to have an iPhone because its a very efficient portable computer. I use it very little as a phone as a matter of fact. I use it to read the news. And to listen to music. And check my emails. It's a choice I make. I don't have to, but I want to lead a life where I own one, because it allows me to do the things I like. It's my choice.

It's the same thing with cable. I don't need it. But I like watching television. And I like being able to watch sports. And having the Internet at home so I can use the wi-if on my phone. I choose to watch television when I get home. It's my choice.

I don't need any of these things. They're not food. Or electricity. Or water. Or heating. Or shelter (rent). But I choose to have them. It's my choice.

I choose to have a life with these things in it. And therefore, I endeavour to find a job that allows me to have them. And I want to continue to have them and I am prepared to do some financial exercise to ensure that I can carry on having them.

It's a choice. My choice. One that I have made and continue to make on a daily basis.

This is because without television, and Internet, and music my life would be a lot poorer. I think. I believe. I could be wrong, but the fact of the matter is that I don't have enough friends and enough of a social life to keep me busy outside of work to allow me to not need these things.

I do not have any other priorities in my life and I bore easily. There's only me and no one else to think about, and I need to be entertained when I'm not at work because otherwise I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Actually I do. I would think, a lot. In fact, I would probably obsess over my life and my shortcomings. And I would despair. Not fleetingly and on occasions write to compensate. No, I would write all the time and despair constantly. Because that would be self-reinforcing. And I know where that spiral would lead.

I still do, despair. And get sad. And ultimately hopeless. I'm on the arm of the spiral and I don't want to descend into it. And so, I get over it, even if only temporarily. I get distracted. I escape. Into other worlds. On TV. And Sports. And music. And that allows to plough through and carry on. Hoping that it'll get better. I'm not sure I could carry on otherwise.

Maybe I've got issues. Maybe I've got deeper issues than I previously thought I had. Or maybe they are more serious than I have thought they were.

I don't know. Maybe I could change. Maybe I could change radically. I could change my life instantly and with little effort.

But at what cost? Would that other life be different than I envisage? Could it be better rather than worse? And what if the grass isn't greener on that side, as it is so often proven,?

I don't know which I'm most afraid of: change or not change. Well clearly change, otherwise I would have done it, but where is this one leading?

Is it leading somewhere or nowhere?

Am I prepared to risk it and rip this life apart to discover?