Who's nice?

People think I'm nice. Apparently. They tell me this, freely, and rather quite frequently.

And in a lot of ways I buy in to this. And I can even act the part.

But I'm not nice. In fact I'm not a nice person at all. People that say that, generally don't know me, they've only ever seen the mask. They think they know me because I'm voluntarious and don't mind doing a favour.

The truth is, is that it's all to make me feel better and superior. I am actually quite arrogant and self-aggrandising. I play the victim role so well, just like I learned from my mother. Whom I use, to deposit a lot of blame and therefore eschewing responsibility from myself.

There's many ways I'm not a good person. I'm pretty selfish and self-involved. I like to do what I feel like and when I don't I get moody. And I even throw tantrums. Because in fact I'm also quite immature.

I am socially awkward because I'm too much of a coward to tell people that actually they're talking bullshit or that their conversation is boring and that ultimately I don't actually like their company all that much but because I don't have many friends I put up with it. That outright deceit is one of my worst qualities.

I'm also insufferable. I complain and whine all the time about a lot of things and people get fed up hearing me whinging. It's very rare that I'm positive, I'm quite cynical and therefore quite negative about most things. Because I know this and because it can be offensive and I'm too much of a coward to deal with it I tend to say very little and thus people think I'm just nice because I'm not on the whole loud and obnoxious.

But I can be cruel and tactless under the guise of telling the truth at all costs. Which is quite hypocritical because I hate it when they do it to me.

I am really quite nasty and I have a vengeful rancourous streak in me. When people upset or hurt me I want to do the same back even if it was unintentional. Even more so because it annoys me that people that should know me seemingly don't and thereby causing the hurt that I felt should have been avoidable. This is because I am way over-sensitive and ignorant to other people's feelings.

I play the listener card well and advise out of all the tricks learnt on films whilst throwing in a good dose of tough love to come out as wise but that is nothing but a superiority complex.

So, in essence, I would not describe me as nice. Because in reality I am not very nice at all.

I am selfish, and arrogant and prepotent, stubborn, always think I'm right and I despise most people.

That's the truth.