It's strange, this life I'm living.
I wake up I go to work I come back get some food watch TV.
As usual when I start waking up at a regular time for a few weeks I start waking up at that same time even when I don't have work.
So, when I don't have work, I wake up, get some food watch TV or play some games then get dinner and watch TV again. I love watching TV, I don't have a problem with it, it's easy I can do it for hours.
There's certain shows I love, and I watch some quality TV. Different program's elicit different responses in me. They can make me laugh or think or travel to different places or dream.
I don't like watching soaps, but I guess some TV series are a bit like soaps.
I have recently discovered Friday Night Lights and I love that show. For lots of reasons and not necessarily the obvious ones. Even though it's set in deep American country with all it's idiosyncrasies and issues it shows a truer side of America than most and I love that and I kinda makes me fall in love with America all over again. When I watch it now, it makes me feel and sigh and reflect. But when I hear its opening music it also makes me sad and alone, deeply sad at my loneliness.
It's strange, last weekend for no other major reason other than a phone conversation with a friend and night out with another I felt pretty happy and confident and I had a couple of really nice days.
But then my daily reality comes back and I get really sick of telling people that no I don't have plans today, or for this weekend, again. Because that's my life.
Or that even when people ask me to do stuff I refuse, because I can't.
Or sometimes I refuse because I simply cannot be bothered. I know that this is wrong and it's the way to depression, isolation is a sure fire thing to get a little bit paranoid and obsessed with certain thoughts. But sometimes I really just want to do what I feel like. Even if it's staying at home or not doing what I'm invited to because it doesn't interest me. But I know when I do refuse, for every time I refuse I will not be asked again, and that time I may want to just leave the house. I'm just getting tired of doing these things that other people are interested in and I have no real keenness in it so that I can remain friends though. Is that truly friendship? Or am I just being selfish? Being selfish, both ways, for only wanting to do what I want and for pretending with my friends, because surely to pretend for the sole reason of not being alone is also a form of selfishness.
Alternatively, for whichever reason, I can refuse, and stay at home. But it's very depressing to have four days off and spend them watching TV and not leaving the house not seeing anyone. Currently however I have very little choice, I need to to be disciplined and look to the future. So I can rationalise it that way, and it is true.
The problem is I don't want to look too much into the future because I'm dead scared of what I see.
And what I see are more weekends like these, more days off like these. Because I will be alone and I will have no friends, or all my "friends" will have babies and children and lives that do not accommodate me and I will not fit in their puzzle, nor, to be fair, would I want to because it will remind me of what I don't have.
So when that music comes on, that beautiful song, I know I will enjoy the show and get lost in it, but for those few minutes it makes me deeply sad at my loneliness.