Choosing

It's all about choices isn't?

Like what we choose to believe.

Some people choose to believe that two thousand years miraculously a man returned from the dead. And that there is an almighty creator that watches over single little thin we do. The desire, need to believe in something greater than ourselves gives them comfort. (Or does it? Or is it simply cultural conditioning?)

I choose to believe, want to believe, that what you feel is what Hilmarsdóttir from Of Monsters And Men wrote in a delightful, yet ever so sad for me, song. 

Because somehow I have interiorised that I know what you feel better than you do because you are so messed up.

And it would give me comfort to think thy that is what you really feel. But I don't know. I don't actually know. 

You could have just been fooling me, and fooling yourself all those months, living a fantasy. 

I just choose to believe, want to, need to believe that it wasn't a fantasy, that it was real, that it had meaning. But that's what I felt.

What we choose to believe is sometimes not rational...

Illogicality

No one cares any more.

I've moaned and complained and whinged for too long.

Proportionality I shouldn't be feeling like this. Everyone IS right: forget her, her loss, there's other people and other women, she didn't deserve me, it's been too long I shouldn't be still be thinking about it, move on, forget, etc, etc ad infinitum.

It's all true. It's irrational, I'm being irrational, it's illogical. Time wise is ridiculous really. Consciously I agree and and know all that. I do, I believe in it.

But... now tell my heart that. Tell the pain in my chest when I stop for more than a few minutes. Tell my stupid brain why he's not accepting it.

I'm trying. I'm trying hard. I really am, trying so very hard. Work. Seeing friends. Going out. Running. Writing. Keep my routine going. Meeting new people. Living, as normal. Or as I want to live it. Meeting new people. Doing new things.

But it seems the busier I get it makes no difference. It's just when I'm busy I don't think about it. I have one, two maybe even three days when I'm alright and I think I'll be ok, but then... 

It all comes back. 

I did see you today L. I saw her. I wasn't alone, I blocked it. Now, at the very late of the night, the witching hour it's all come back.

All I can think is: are you happy now? I want to text you and find out how you are. Then I feel what would it accomplish? Isn't it over? And that just makes me even worse. A part of me wants to believe that I ought to do something, fight for her, show her how much I love her, and persuade her how foolish and silly it all was, how precipitous a decision it was...! But... it's not the first time, it was the second time. So then I feel guilty for being stupid. At the same time that I'm annoyed that no one gets it.

No one really understands how I feel. The depths of what I felt, feel, for this person. It wasn't long no. It was, however, intense, a very deep connection, a trust, an ability to trust so completely I never experienced with anyone ever before. A twinning of minds in so many things. 

I can't even finish writing this coherently or making any sort of point.

Tomorrow I'll go on. And it'll be a good day. And I'll have fun. And I'll put on a brave face.

Maybe that's what's annoying me now. I'm used to not caring and just wallow in and let my feelings wash over me. I'm not doing that, trying to be "better", more "grown-up" and "adult" and "mature" about things. Biting the bullet. Fighting my own nature, because that's the bad bits about me right? The self wallowing, depressive tendencies that runs through the blood in my veins. 

And so I put on a front, a new me. Just as I had found myself again a few months back, I seem to now in the process of forging a new cover.

Is it healthy? Is it easier? Does it help? Perhaps it helps somebody, other people... Maybe I should think about other people hey...?

I'm being facetious and selfish now. All I know is, I love that person and I cannot so easily let go. I've already let her go and it's proving one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Letting go of my own feelings for her as well on top of that, and ignoring the loss and the missing as well... I can't. But I should accept that it's over.

It's illogical. Irrational. But then our relationship was always antithetic. The rate at how things evolved, the speed at which we shared our lives and each other, the pace we progressed our involvement was always our own. 

The brightest flame burns the brightest. Why can't it carry on burning?

It burns within me still.

Why doesn't it burn within you?

Or does it but it just hurts you too much?

And you're too afraid of the flame? 

"Just because it burns it doesn't mean it's gonna die. You gotta get up and try, try, try"

I feel like by letting go, so easily, I've not tried hard enough, I've not fought for it.

I don't know. All I do know is that when I see you I know I still care for you. And I think about you every day.

Sunday 17th February

Five months ago today I had the most wonderful day.

And I fell in love.

Many more wonderful, and special days followed, much happiness was found.

I was willing to do anything!

And I did, all that I could have done. So I regret nothing I did or didn't do because I did it all.

Oh 17th I shan't never forget you.

Xp

"Look at any experience as a mandala.

Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can.

And when you're done pack it up and know it was all temporary.

Remember that, it's all temporary."

Four weeks, one month, goodbye L.

Four weeks today.

Four weeks ago you asked me to let you go and I said I would.

I have but fuck it's been hard.

There have been hard days, there have been weird days, there have been easier days, there have been mixed days.

Yes, it has progressively got easier. 

Slowly.

Minutes have given way to hours have given way to days. In which I have not cried. 

Minutes have given way into hours when I don't think about you.

Hell, I even dream about you and I have no control over those. But even they have decreased in intensity.

Some days you are no longer the first thing on my mind when I wake up.

Yes I can function. Yes I can work. Yes I have not isolated myself. Yes I have laughed and had fun. I have even managed to stay calm and help others.

Today is not one of those days. Today was/is a mixed day. It started off so well though! But as soon as I had a few moments to myself...!

Thoughts returned. Feelings overwhelmed me. Tears threaten to come. I had to leave, I couldn't help anybody today. And tears have finally come. I've let them. It's been four days, four good days, sincerely, I have felt well. Today not so much. But I'm allowed I think, I'll allow it myself. I'll cry it out. And remember you. Your face, your touch, your words, our kisses, your company, your attention, your photos, photos of us, our music, our playlist. I'm remembering you today, intensely, so I can move on, and forget you.

Why today and not tomorrow? Or yesterday? It's the tenth today, a month and four weeks since those dreadful text messages. It's not a Monday today, it's just a number, an arbitrary meaning we (myself) ascribe to this day. Life would be easier, apparently, if we didn't attributed extra meaning to things and dates and events than themselves actually had. 

I agree, but we can't live our life without meaning: it's difficult enough not believing in God and organised religion and all the meaning that brings to everything, without assigning some meaning to events in your life. You have to.

Here I sit listening to our playlist, the song I used to sing and translate to you. And I know I will be okay. Eventually. My heart is broken, but I am strong. My feelings do get the better of me most of the time but I think I have found a good balance. I will allow myself some time to grieve for you, for it is a kind of grief that I feel for the end of our relationship. In private, on my own, not letting it affect my work, and allowing myself to have fun, and carry on living. Not putting my life on standby.

Today is the exception, yes. But I've been good, I'm allowed a moment, a day of weakness. Today I will not, have not, followed MEC's advice, I have thought about and followed your advice M.: sometimes it's ok to block it out a little bit, delay it all so that time passes, and further down the line is easy to deal with. So today I've left work early. I've taken the night off to go laugh and have fun, I'm in no state to help anyone, so I shall have Friends and games and beer to distract me.

Laughter some say is the best remedy.

I'm not the first nor shall I be the last to suffer a broken heart. It might even happen to me again, possibly even repeatedly! I hope not. It kinda sucks. But it's normal, unfortunately.

Yet I regret nothing. There's very little I would have done differently. And I will treasure that time and those good moments dearly. I have learnt so much! About myself and about being with someone that that cannot be understated.

Acceptance and accepting is proving harder though. But the ultimate question, really, I know, you've asked it of me M., is: would I take her back? If she came to me with regret and whatever words? Would I?

My heart says yes, for I love her. My mind says no, absolutely not, man ego and pride at play. 

But altogether? Rationally? Even emotionally but firmly planted? No. There was a second chance. There were things said that I believed in and were betrayed. And a single promise, forgiven once, broken twice. Not again.

So the answer is no. I love you L., but, as I told you, sincerely, with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes I will let you go. 

I am that person, now. That can let go the woman he loves if it will make her happy, or happier, or is what she desires. Without extra drama and hang ups and chasing and whatnot. No.

And so we come full circle, four weeks, one month, to this day I said I would let you go. I have, albeit slowly. I have and I will.

I love you but I will let you go.

Goodby my love. Goodbye L. x

Temptation sin

It's so easy, sooo easy to slip back in that way of life.

Crap easy food.

Do fuck all when you get home.

Care about nothing.

Watch TV.

Numb your brain.

Remove your feelings.

Block it all out.

It's comfortable, it's distracting, it's easy.

It's so very tempting.

Part of me wants it, undeniably.

TV series are just so very good these days.

So easy to give in to temptation.

Another part of me doesn't want it.

It doesn't want to be that person anymore.

But the hurt is great, it has weakened me, my resolve.

I have to fight it. Fight the worst of my nature. 

The hurt IS less now. It is getting lesser every day. Some days I no longer cry. Some days several hours go by without me thinking about it.

Bit it's still there. As saudades. The missing. The broken heart. The hard done by feelings. The love that was not enough. The touch that is not more. The beauty I no longer see. The attention I no longer get.

"Sadness will only pass, will only go away, by getting sad. There's no art to it, just time and patience. Remembering, finishing remembering so that you can move on and forget." Something like that. I've read that, I have that text, and I believe in it. I don't want to block it out, I don't want to become that person again.

But it's so hard, it hurts, I cry. So often...

Whatever anyone says believes, I know. I loved. Truly. I did. I do. It doesn't just go away, disappear like that. 

I loved, and it wasn't enough.

I love, but it's not enough.