It's funny that I consider myself such an honest person and abhor dishonesty and compromise, and yet I can put up such a facade of normality. I looked like I was even cheerful at one point. I have refined the art of work/home separation to such an extent that I believe people at work do not know or have a clue, who the real me is. I am so different at work due to the nature of it, dealing with people and staff on a daily basis that I cannot be my normal self if I am to perform and provide the service I am paid to do. And I cannot get out of it, because I have other people dependant on me, family, I won't get into it, which means I can't just drop my job and move on somewhere else. I am sold myself at work, forced to do things that I don't necessarily believe in.
I think to a certain extent, because I have had to create this alternative persona, I kinda almost try to compensate on my private life and try my real self to be as different from this work persona as possible, if possible having gone too far the other side.
Seriously, I cannot honestly say that I am that different, but a lot of little things are different. The way I force myself to speak to someone, or the forced smile and happy-looking disposition that is certainly a cover, an enforced creation. A while back I tried to be myself at work, and that did not work at all, so I took a look at how people reacted and tried to change acccordingly to get the desired reactions.
Hmm, I wonder if I could learn something from that on my everyday life...
Then again, I want and need people to like and respect me to such an extent so that I can tell them what to do. Privately I want people to like me for I am, is that so much to ask? I don't think it should be. But then again what I tend to believe in seems to put me in a minority, which is a great shame, I know so many people that put so much effort and time at being someone they're not that they can never get an honest relationship with someone.
But what do I know? Between the wallowing and the self-analysis, the pragmatism and frustration I think I may in the end have become a cynic. And maybe that is not so good.
Why write this blog
- P
- It is a way of giving my other self, my unconscious and perhaps artistic self, a way of expressing itself, and thereby helping me working things out. It is somewhat cathartic in a positive way. :)
30 August, 2009
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Elaborating… Perhaps Unbearable is a inadequate term, however, the idea that I wanted to convey is this: a depressed person,very depressed or very sad, have a tendency to "spread" it around them. Even me, and I am bit insane, and spend life laughing, surrender to this evidence: if there's someone around me that is not looking very friendly I will soon stop laughing (or at least, not with as much frequency. Clearly one thing is a depressive spirit, or of self-commiseration, another thing is unfriendliness or pure and simple stupidity, which has the same effect in everyone that close, i.e I unequivocal "contagion"! In fact, there's at least one person like that here at the hospital, day in day out.
Therefore, I do not consider that you are depressive, or unbearable. Perhaps you have a dysthymic disposition, by my usual attempt to perhaps see only the positive aspects of things, the moments that I remember best are those related to situations of happiness and not of depression or sadness. Clearly I also remember these. These important memories allow me to remember how good the others moments were, the good ones! I find that I made a great big mess here! Perhaps due to lack to sleep and accumulated sleep explain it somewhat… For more explanations, I will be available at the usual contacts.
M
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