The reason of my blogging is to exorcise my demons. I could have done it any other number of ways. As explained previously, this time they didn't work, so I turned to writing. Nevertheless, I feel I have not yet addressed the reason for wallowing and make that the theme of my writing.
I was just thinking whilst my kettle was boiling that "Don't think about it" closely followed by "It'll be alright, just give it time" must be the worst expression ever after "Let's be friends".
Why shouldn't I think about it? Why shouldn't I go over and over it in my mind? Why shouldn't it I analyze it in my head exhaustively? I want to think and dwell and obsess. It's not healthy, some may say, well, so what? Neither are cigarettes or booze or sex with strangers, but we don't do it for the health benefits. Why can't we deal with sadness and despair by talking about it? Why do I have to listen to a cheery tune whilst I feel horrible? You'll feel better about it, maybe so, but the problem will still be there though won't it?
I know friends and people are only trying to help and they have to say things like that, I mean, they have to say something, I am sure in the past I have said those things to myself, but they aren't any comfort. I want someone that will tell it to me straight and not patronise me with clichés. Someone that will know me and know what I respond to, I am lucky in that respect, as I do have people like that in my life, alas, I have chosen to live many miles, countries and seas away from them.
I want to wallow. And vent. And shout. And be silent and quiet in the corner. How many people ask you if you're ok and are content with the answer I'm alright when you're quiet clearly not? What was the point in the first place except to satisfy their own perceived idea of being polite and nice.
Well, I don't want nice, not anymore. It doesn't take you anywhere.