Inexorably...

 I was out today, it was fun, it was my friends birthday. Other friends came along. Good times, they took me out of my comfort zone, different place, different music, I won't deny I was reticent, but at the same time I was keen to go with the flow. And it was good, I was a little bit square, but eventually I did join in.

And then... I realized that J could be more than a friend/acquaintance. Can't say I'm in love or anything dramatic like that, but I certainly fancy her somewhat, I suppose it is natural when you get to see someone outside a restricted environment you only know them from.

Anyway, too complicated or whatever, too many what ifs, too many uncertainties, too many rocks that need not be turned.

And on the way home I was thinking of what could have been with her... wrong!

No, my thoughts turned inevitably towards somebody else entirely. Such is the way with a crazy mind such as mine. I was close to texting, I really was, but why? No, at this time especially, what, just no.

So the one that kept creeping up and made me think was that what hurt me the most, was not the divergent stories, the varying attitude and behaviour. None of that, all of it I could see past. In fact, I did for a while, against better judgment. I mean I should be getting over it right?

What made me not text, is the same reason that has kept me from communicating and I have tried so hard not to as well, because I just can't. And it is only today that I understood why. As they say in The Matrix you cannot see past the decisions you cannot understand. Well, I did today.

I understood that what's hurt me the most was see you going back to the crazy one. Worse still, seeing you with him, physically, I don't think I would have believed it otherwise. It doesn't matter any other circumstances events and etcs. But after all you've told me, everything that he did, supposedly... I remember accusing you of something and you told me all that he did to you, and that made me feel so bad for accusing you that I was sick to my stomach and was the first time in a long time I actually cried about/for somebody. So, how could you? Get back to him, HIM?? Regardless of whatever reasons, it's just bewildering.

All this to come to the conclusion that I may fancy someone, I may get close but it will be difficult to find somebody to love again. I have not looked for it, not really. As my friend advised me, "don't look for it, it'll just happen when you least expect it", he was certainly right there, but oh in what circumstances!

I will only stop loving you when I find someone else I may love again. It only took me seven years in between my last two so.... And even then, the feelings I had will never truly be gone, just as I still love A and L in the same way I did, it's just that time and distance wears away, and new love pushes the feelings further back in exchange for stronger ones for someone else.

Is it possible to love someone I fancy?
Is it possible to love someone I have known for some time?
Is it possible to grow love out of something else?
If you look at poetry and literature over the years you can grow to love someone, apparently.

But in my case, I have always known, straight away, with time only re-enforcing those first impressions. I means it's not supposed to be logic anyway right? But still, it would be nice to think that someone like J, or even G, are people that I may somehow actually develop some kind of meaningful relationship with.

It is possible?
Is it worth pursuing?
Is it within my power to make it happen?
Make someone fall in love with you?

Even if... I do it so I can just put you out of my mind...